Many moons of friendship later, am I just envious?

[Salome61]

I've recently discovered that someone I've known for a very long time is far wealthier than she led me to believe. She has just gifted each of her children a gigantic amount of money for a deposit, I was astounded at the amount. I feel very uncomfortable about it, I was only able to give my kids a much smaller sum. Is it natural to feel like this, am I just envious?

Why do you feel uncomfortable?

What’s it to do with you? Lots of people have lots more money than you, many more have less 🤷‍♀️

You feel uncomfortable?

Eh? Why?

Yes it is jealousy but you know that. It’s not wrong to feel jealous so long as you know that it’s your problem to deal with and not your friend’s.
Just work through it in your own way and keep what seems to have been an otherwise strong friendship.

Uncomfortable in what way? That you disapprove (even though lots of people help their kids if they can)? Or think she should’ve told you she was wealthier (what difference would it have made?)? I expect you’re right and it’s just jealousy which is an understandable human emotion but not a nice one, which is maybe why you’re uncomfortable, trying to a bad feeling of yours into something bad she’s done to make yourself feel better. If you can, be glad for your friend and her DC and don’t give it any more thought. You’re probably better off than lots of people in lots of ways.

I’m not sure I understand… why would someone giving their own child money make you feel uncomfortable?

I'm guessing it's not jealousy, it's that it has made OP feel somehow lesser.

OP, money does not make anyone a better parent than another. Far from it.

Do you discuss how much you have in the bank with her? Does she know your finances? If not yabu.

Yes, you’re envious, and that is why your friend gave you a lower number than the real one.

Maybe she didn’t want to discuss her finances with you as she thought it would make you feel uncomfortable.

She may have saved the money over a very long time or have received an inheritance/dividend.

This is absolutely a you-problem.
Well done for recognising it and asking for input.
Nothing about this should make you uncomfortable. The fact that it does, probably says something about an underlying insecurity you have.
Maybe one of these questions can help you pinpoint what the insecurity is?

Do you generally feel uncomfortable around wealthy people?
Do you generally compare yourself to other parents and feel intimidated when you think they are able to provide their children with something you can't?
Do you use status and wealth to determine your own worth and that of others?
Do you easily project onto people that they look down on you?
Do you have the tendency to always want more than what you have, or want what others have?
Do you struggle with the idea that life's unfair and that you should be owed what others have?

Thank you very much for your input.

This year I also found out she is two years older than me, she didn't tell me, I only found out by chance. We do exchange birthday/christmas gifts and I feel foolish I had sent her a special retirement gift for what I thought was her 66th birthday, not knowing it was her 68th. She never updated me.

I do think it has made me feel 'lesser' as Fiver555 identified, as well as insecurities as GirlMom has said. I have compared myself to her and my situation is completely different, I shouldn't have.

I think my anxiety about money is because I am widowed and retired. In the early days of grief I did spend unwisely, which I regret. I don't seem to be able to balance my budget at the minute, and I've got into debt. I couldn't afford to go on a trip with this friend recently, she sent me photos of them all having a good time which made me feel very envious!

I am lucky enough to have a good relationship with my kids, who were only 20 and 22 when their Dad died ten years ago. I was able to give them a small deposit when I downsized to here, and I help them out whenever I can. I will count my blessings :)

Had she ever told you that she was the same age as you? If so that’s a bit odd! Or did you just assume she was?

She has always implied that she was just one year older.

I've always considered her as a close friend, but I don't think she considers me in the same way. It is odd and a shame as I didn't do anything special for her landmark birthday because I didn't know.