Infidelity

[Cdp123]

On Monday I confronted my boyfriend of nearly 10 years because id seen he'd been sexting girls on a site called fansly and paying them. I get watching porn is something guys do but to be having sexting conversations with them is some other level?!

He told me hes only been doing that stuff online to stop him speaking to actual girls because I dont give him enough sex... and asked what id rather him do - do that on the apps or go to a girl in real life . So i said basically you'd cheat on me then..and then he denied it and just made out it was all because of me 😭

I sat there sobbing and crying. I honestly think I should walk away but it's so hard as we've been together nearly a decade, have a baby and a mortgage :( I am so hurt 😞

Earlier this year he emotionally cheated on me with his work colleague by meeting up behind my back and lieing about who he was with. He also invited her over at night (after spending all afternoon at the gym and sunbeds with her) for 'drinks' but she declined. This was my first weekend away on my own without him or our daughter so I guess he saw that as an opportunity but he sweet talked his way out of it and told me I was controlling and manipulative. Then he goes and does this.

How do you find the strength to walk away from someone you love so deeply, has played a huge part of your life, is the father of your child and who still tries to tell you he loves you?! I need to end it but its hurting me so much. I can't even face him at the moment. I told him to stay at his mums.

FYI I am 28, hes 30 and our child is nearly 2.

Thank you
Sorry for the essay

Fuck him off.
Sorry I know that sounds really harsh but this guy is a dickhead who will do the dirty on you (if he hasn't already).
Gather yourself and set a good example for your daughter and drop this one back in the sea, because you can do better for yourself and your daughter. I know it hurts, but he is setting you up to fail and will only get worse as time goes on.

Look at his behaviour, don't listen to what he says.

Is cheating and trying to manipulate you into more sex evidence of love?

"I dont give him enough sex" ... it us supposed to be a mutual pleasure, not a charitable donation.
Honestly I do not know you but truly you deserve better than this.

well done for kicking him out to his mum’s. Shows you’ve found a lot of strength already. And this is going to feel really difficult - especially as you’ve been together basically all your adult life - but he is a shit. Saying ‘I love you’ counts for nothing, it’s what he does that matters. Just remember that, whatever he says to you now.
For the record, what happened before wasn’t ’emotional cheating’ it was him trying it on, if nothing happened then it was just him being rejected. And it was NOT you being controlling and manipulative.

What a total shit, blaming you! You are the mother of his child, how dare he treat you like this.

It is going to hurt. You will have to dig deep but you must have strength to have kicked him out already, so build on that and dont let him back. You can do this. You are worth more than this.

Remember - He won't change and he doesn't know what love is.

“Open is something guys do”.

No, it isn’t. Some do. Get rid. Height of disloyalty and disrespect.

Porn, not open!

You find the strength because he will do it again and again and again and you don't want your baby to believe that it's ok to be treated like that in a relationship.

I tried to make it work after affair number 1. By the time I was divorced I was aware of 50 affairs and we were so long together finances were a nightmare.

Save your dignity and get out. I beat myself up constantly for being stupid enough to try to make it work.

Somebody who loves you would not hurt you like this. He will continue to hurt you , best thing to do is bin him. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

You may love him, but I can tell you for a fact that he doesn't love you.
He loves what you give him. His love is for himself, and he loves how you make him feel. He loves you like a wolf loves the sheep he's about to eat. None of what he feels has anything to do with your happiness or well-being. That's not love. That's pure selfishness.

Someone who deeply hurts you, would never turn it around and blame you for his lack of self control. That's ridiculous. He doesn't even respect you enough to own up to his mistakes and apologise for them.

I know walking away is hard. But how much more hurt is he allowed to cause you in the name of love?

BIN

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I totally get what you mean about how do you leave when you've been with that person so long, they say they love you and you have a child. Leaving my exH was the hardest decision I ever made BUT I am the happiest I have ever been. I agree with everyone else, this man does not deserve you and you deserve so much more.

@Cdp123, you are being abused and degraded in a toxic, imbalanced relationship. Your Partner is a sexual cheat who pays sex workers for cheap thrills. He is also an emotional cheat and liar who has been involved with a colleague he tried to bed in your and your baby’s home. Those infidelities won’t be his first or last. He’s not going to change because he is a narcissistic misogynist who views women as objects to be used for his gratification.

So far you have allowed him to bully and manipulate you via threats,
blame-shifting, sweet talk, and accusations of being controlling (you’re not). Stop tolerating his coercion. This unfaithful sleaze has no respect for himself, you or your daughter, and is a toxic role model for her.

Ditch the sunk cost fallacy. If you stay with him you’re going to become diminished beyond recognition. Your daughter will be damaged from being exposed to a toxic home and relationship blueprint. Would you advise her to stay with an abusive cheat who views women as meat and appliances meant service his wants/needs?

Kudos for sending him to his mother’s. Make it permanent. If you are trauma bonded to him, access IC to learn how to strengthen your boundaries and break that destructive grip. You can do it, @Cdp123.

Tell him to stay at his mums and not come back. You don't love him, you are co-dependent. When you take a step back from him you'll understand what I mean. He doesn't love you and he has absolutely no respect for you - which is an understatement. He actually invited a woman to your home whilst you were away, presumably to have sex in your marital bed. Nah OP, you and your daughter are worth so much more than this. Please don't waste any more of your life on him.