Ds and neighbours son leaving my dd out

[Jessicoolaa]

My son is 7, daughter is 5. Our neighbour's boy is 6, and they have all been really good friends for the last few years and would play together. But as they're getting older, the boys just want to play by themselves, which i get, but my daughter feels left out and doesnt understand. I don't know how to handle the situation, do I make them let her join in, or do I let them play and do something fun with her? Or do I invite one of her school friends over? He is the only kid we've ever had over, dd never asks if she can have a friend from school over and tbh I've never thought about it much, or been bothered with the hassle! She wants to play with them, but they keep telling her they don't want to which makes her sad. This is all new to me!

frienships develop and change, if yoh force him to let her join he could resent her and maybe lose his friend at that age. If she got another friend her age would you make her play with her older brother. Their relationship will change so much growing up….. the second someone upsets her, I bet he’s the first person to look after her.

I think you should help her to make her own friends - playdates with kids from her class is a good start, and maybe join brownies.

I was the little sister and it's really hard - my brother would play with me if there were no boys around, but i was never first choice.

I would split the time. If neighbour's son comes for two hours, I would let the boys play together for the first 1.5 hours, but have set the expectation in advance that they let her join in for the last half hour.

If it was a friend of his from school, my answer would be different but if they've all previously been friends then it is a bit harsh that she's suddenly not included. I agree with PP that friendships change and develop, but equally there's many situations in life where we do have to include people and learning to negotiate and agree on something that suits everyone is a good skill to have.

Talk to your son alone and ask him why the boys don't want DD playing with them. If it's something specific, eg. they want to play a certain type of game and she wants to play something different, then you can talk to both of them about compromise - she gets to join in for a bit as long as she plays the game that the majority want to play.

It would be ideal if they would play together - I would look at why first.

If they want to play games that your daughter doesn't like.. there isn't much you can do. e.g. if they like playing football and she doesn't want to/cant join in.

But if they are all happy playing the same thing and have just decided to exclude her? Then I'd probably have a quiet chat with your son about how she feels/his responsibilities as a big brother etc.

I'd let her have friends over to your house.

I think it’s a good idea to ask dd if she would like a play date with a friend from school. Also, there needs to be a balance of her brother and neighbour including her and them getting time to play together without little sister.

I remember as an older sibling (with similar age gap to your dc) and sometimes I just wanted to have a break from my little sister. Also, as the big sister I was expected to take care of her. I did include her. I did take responsibility for looking after her but I did also try and get a break from her too. Just so I could relax and just be a kid playing with friends.

Younger siblings can feel like it’s unfair if older sibling gets to do something they can’t. On the other hand older sibling can feel like it’s unfair that they have to always be the responsible big brother/sister and younger siblings always gets what they want.

Try to find a win win situation where everyone gets what they want some of the time.

You would be doing your daughter a huge favour in helping her come to terms that sometimes people don't want to be the same kind of friend with us as we'd like to be with them. And we can be sad about that, but we have to accept it.

Nobody owes it to us to like us, spend time with us or include us. Life sucks like that. But learning to deal with that at an early age and finding out what healthy ways are to cope with that sadness and disappointment are great life skills that will go a long way.

Your son is allowed to have his own friends and not have to include his younger sister all the time. Your neighbors son has the right to prefer to play with your son. They should be kind about it, not tease her or purposefully make her feel bad.

Encouraging her to focus her energy on having her own friends over and building friendships with people who actually want to spend time with her, is much healthier than teaching her to 'force' people to spend time with her when they don't actually want to.

Your daughter needs to have her own friends over

Thanks for your help everyone, I've asked him why it is and yes he just wants some space from her. I'll see if she wants to invite one of her friends over and go from there 🙂

There are times when development differences leap forward and leave other children behind a 7 year old is developmentally very different to a 5 year old so even your son will struggle to dumb down his play for his sibling all the time. Encourage some new friends have that play date.