Potted history:
Together 35 years, married 30. 10 yrs ago he had a breakdown and said he didn’t love me and didn’t know if he ever did. 2 yrs later confessed (in a letter he gave me to read) to 4 historic affairs. A one night stand while working away, 6 or so weeks with a senior colleague, 6 or so months with the office admin, a year or so with a mutual friend. I stayed - stupid I know - I was scared of being alone and hurting our adult (but still at home) kids.
A year or so after that I found he’d signed up to gay hook up sites. He said only to talk as he was confused. I knew he was lying but I stayed. He saw a counsellor and came out as bisexual but said he hadn’t and didn’t want to sleep with a man.
More red flags - female friend saved to his phone under male name, refused to call me from room when away on business.
6 years ago said he did love me. We renewed our vows.
2 years ago said he wasn’t sure what he wanted. We had couples counselling. A year ago he told me it would only work if I trust him and he’s free to holiday alone and to not need to tell me where he is when he goes out. Finally I said that doesn’t work for me and 6 mths ago he moved out. Divorce is going through.
DD has stayed with him this week and said he was having late night calls from a woman which she could overhear. Said she knocked on his door during the call and he told her not to come in as he’s naked. Later he told her it’s just a friend who phoned for some advice.
I felt physically sick at the thought of him with someone else but why? I know I’m better off without him and I deserve better. What can I do to come to terms with this?