If you experienced a pattern of developing crushes/intense attraction/"love" for people who didn't feel the same way, how did you stop it?

[anonymous98]

Just curious, as I've noticed this is a recurrent pattern in my life and it makes me obsessive and miserable.

I'm entering my late 20s, not hideous-looking, don't have extremely high expectations of a partner, am gainfully employed and relatively successful, although I do have significant mental health problems and am something of a loner. I've been falling into this pattern ever since I was 16 (developed feelings for male friend who turned out to be gay). Have had some successful relationships but not for a very long time. Hate dating and have deleted the apps after being ghosted. Friends and acquaintances are starting to pair off and even get married, which makes me feel worse. My relationship with my father is complex, if relevant. Suspect I have fearful-avoidant attachment, although I think I could have a relationship if someone I really liked came along.

I suspect the answer will lie in therapy

I've had fairly extensive therapy. I wish therapy worked for me, honestly. I feel a bit hopeless.

Do you have autism? This is typical behaviour. I’ve had to stop myself planning my wedding to people based on just reading their profile alone 😂

You sound like me when I was your age. It's hard isn't it? For me, I began to realise that having intense feelings for unavailable people was 'safe' - because nothing would ever come of it. They would stay as the unobtainable, hard to resist desire in my head and my anxious-avoidant attachment style would not be triggered into meltdown by the messiness of real life intimacy and the reality of compromise. All of this was entirely unconscious until it wasn't.

I did a lot of work on myself, building my life and interests up so when I did eventually meet my (now) husband, I felt shored up and secure enough in myself to be able to risk feeling vulnerable with someone else.

I do think good long-term psychodynamic therapy will help you to explore your patterns of relating. Not all therapists are equally skilled however so if therapy isn't working for you, maybe its time to seek a new therapist. Good luck!

I think one of the reasons I'm asking is that I got ghosted by someone two months ago - and I haven't got over it and I'm starting to think maybe something isn't quite right. I only knew this person for a month and I still became so unhealthily attached.

Ditto!

I did it because it felt safe and I could control the scenario (in my head).

As previous posters have said, I think you might want to try therapy again.

I was like this. I secretly idolised people and put them on a pedestal. I either obsessed with people from afar or the relationships I did have were short lived because they were initiated on my unrealistic expectations. I found my now husband by getting out in the world and doing stuff I'm interested in. He was the first person I've gotten with who I knew as a friend first and it developed that way. It was much healthier.

Btw, I still sometimes develop secret crushes/obsessions with celebrities, but these fizzle out quickly. As someone with ASD, it turns into a temporary special interest where I research a lot about them (but would never go further than that), which I enjoy for what it is, but the feeling dies.

What I'm learning is that a lot of things I thought were universal are ASD things.

I don't have a diagnosis. I did tiptoe walk as a kid and I was cripplingly shy up until about 22 or so.

I was like this for years, and it was horrible. Whilst having unsuccessful relationships with people I wasn't that into. Perimenopause seems to have stopped it! I'm late diagnosed autistic, and I so regret that I didn't have the insight into myself to sort it out decades ago.

This is me! How did you fix it, may I ask? It's hell.

I too was like this what finally stopped it for me was meeting my (second) husband. So basically love. Not certain I ever really loved my first, but he was ‘safe’.

sorry this doesn’t really help. Looking back I now cringe inside at the absolute idiot I was and wonder what on earth they must have thought of me. But as I will never see any of them again (and yes I do remember them) I’m over worrying about it.

Thank you, that makes sense.

I'm giving up on dating for now. I can't do it anymore. I hate how it feels.