Am I being over the top about my wife's friend's and our relationship?

[MechanicKyle]

Hi all,

So, me and my wife are in our early 30s, married a few years, homeowners, 2 boys 10 and 12, both full time workers

We have had our ups and downs as per most over the years, mainly from me previously not doing enough to help out etc.

I've changed I believe, I now do the kids school lunches most evenings, loads of washing on and put away, cleaning (not all the time admittedly) but a clean round and a hoover at least once a week, I'll go food shopping if I'm not working the Saturdays on overtime, contribute well to savings, school clubs etc.

My wife works very hard, starts work later than me and does the early school run, I try and pick them up if I'm back in time.

Pretty much life isn't it.

But I'm beginning to feel a lack of "love"

I don't feel we're massively close, intimacy/sex is down (once or twice a week now and again then nothing for 3 weeks) and she rarely initiates, not really a kiss goodnight etc

She is in a WhatsApp group with some mums from school also goes out with them weekly.

I get along well with them plus their partners, but I feel like it's taking over, wife will sit downstairs on her own once I've gone up for 40/50 minutes on WhatsApp or social media and continues when she comes to bed, I feel like I'm just a spare part.

I try to keep saying about us going of for dinner etc - we literally go out for our anniversary and maybe once more a year just the two of us, it's always rushed - we can be sat, eaten and back home within 1 1/2 hours or she'll want to go out as a family.

I try and say arrange MIL to have our lads overnight (my parents house has much trickier sleeping arrangements) MIL would be willing but wife doesn't ever go through with it and arrange (maybe I need to take the lead?)

I just feel completely invisible sometimes, I've had full conversations with her while she is literally staring down at her phone messaging and giggling on WhatsApp group for her to say "sorry I didn't hear any of that" to which I admit, I get the hump.

I'm not saying this lack of a feeling of closeness has stemmed from her friends, it's just seems that now she's more socially involved with them, it's becoming more apparent

There are other things that are on my mind too, but that's another part which I will add later.

So, am I being abit sensitive/needy or out of order by feeling this way?

Thank you!

I think your marriage maybe in trouble if this is not resolved quickly . Can you arrange childcare with your ML directly or use an external child minder and speak to to your wife in a very serious tone, make it clear you have something serious to discuss and it will be a no phones allowed conversation.

Tell her how you feel and hopefully agree some ground rules. For example one weekly date night and phone curfew for everyone including yourself on say 3 nights a week?

I am sure she has her own version of this story, but despite who is right or wrong marriage is team work.

There is you, her and the marriage 3 individuals who require equal attention.

I started by wondering what she's getting from her friends that she isn't at home. ..she's having fun, no responsibility, she probably feels herself again. You've mentioned that you now help around the house but it sounds like you feel you're doing her a favour. You're equally responsible so you should be doing half of all tasks and supporting her with any mental load.
Nothing worse than a husband who is another person to look after. I want an equal. Make me feel supported, special, make me laugh....stop feeling proud for doing the kids lunches when I expect her heads boggling with everything else she has to do.

We have had our ups and downs as per most over the years, mainly from me previously not doing enough to help out etc.
I've changed I believe, I now do the kids school lunches most evenings, loads of washing on and put away, cleaning (not all the time admittedly) but a clean round and a hoover at least once a week, I'll go food shopping if I'm not working the Saturdays on overtime

Have you had a recent, sit down conversation about how much/little you have changed and what her current view is on the division of the both the physical housework and the mental load?

First post nails it!
Essential to have a serious conversation with her. Ask her if she agrees you are now equally sharing the burden of household chores, and say the marriage needs some more fun.
I also strongly advocate for a weekly date night. And yes, do be proactive in organising a sitter yourself

Thank you

Yes that is something I need to do, take the lead on it I think.

Maybe my mistake was leaving it to her with it being her mum to ask, whereas I should be the one arranging.

Unfortunately it is too late for you to “change”. If you didn’t do your share in the really tough years - when you had two very small children - then you can’t change that or fix it. Her feelings for you will have been changed forever and she will know that when the going gets tough - she can’t rely on you.

It is called the “ick”.

It takes quite a long time to redress the balance after years of not “helping out” enough. And I think it’s revealing that you refer to it as helping out. It’s not helping. It’s doing your fair share because you view your marriage as an equal partnership.

There is no reason for your wife to feel loving or grateful just because you have started to take a more active role in family life. And it is not the job of your wife or your mother-in-law to facilitate your plans for a night out. This also suggests that you still regard some things as “women’s work”.

Have you read the essay “my wife divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink”? I think you would find it helpful. And if it seems as though I’m being unreasonably harsh, it’s because I think you genuinely seem to want to fix the situation and it’s probably still possible, if you get a wriggle on.

I feel like maybe she is holding onto resentment from previous years, and you do seem to think of it as you helping her, like housework and childcare are her jobs.

Instead of trying to discuss what's she's doing wrong, really take ownership of the cleaning and organising and looking after the children. Maybe book a night at a hotel spa just for her alone with a massage, look after the children and let her come home to a clean house with a meal prepared.

If you want to go out for a meal, pick the place, get childcare sorted and BOOK IT! Don't give her jobs to do, let her be a passenger. You need to show her you appreciate her and take initiative (this is vital). Also don't expect sex after these things, if you really ballsed up for the toughest years of child raising, you have a lot to make up for. That will come back in time.

I am also just being harsh because I think this could salvage your marriage, not to be cruel.

If you had paid 10 payments of £10 for a car alone and then you and a friend both paid 10 payments of £5 each the car wouldn’t be owned 50/50.

In the same way if your wife has done a lot more work over a long period of time than you have, and now you are contributing equally. Then things aren’t fair between you, and she probably still holds some resentment over that.

You need to think about how you even things up. Not necessarily in time (although taking the lead for the same number of years that she did would probably do it) but definitely in terms of acknowledging that discrepancy and making space for her to have some time out for herself.

Thanks for the replies

Yes I'm sure she feels herself again, which I believe she needs and deserves, she works blooming hard.

I wasn't completely "hands off" in our kids younger years, I was working nationally and left home at 4am, didn't get back until 7/7.30pm with traffic and still did my bits and pieces back then, I put forward the idea of a job change back then, but she said no, money is good and I'm managing fine.

The "change" came around 4 years ago, she said was struggling, we had a long chat after a heated time about how she needed more help, especially in the mornings.

I took it in board, aplogized for not understanding how it affected her and started to not think about work the next day and got my A into gear, did alot more - got a new job with better hours which meant I could do the afternoon school run more often, in fact more than I ever could and not be back at silly o clock.

I don't actually believe that I feel I'm "doing her a favour" we spoke about it and I adhered to what she needed for her, us, the family.

I try to help her out as much as I can for the mornings, I'm gone - I leave the house at 0530 what little bit I can do I will, I know our kids aren't the easiest to get up and out of the house.

Uniforms out, lunches done, water bottles in fridge.

Surely a better morning with abit of help sets the tone for a better day?

She works from home a 4 days of the week and 1 in work, home working aren't particularly busy days as she says (gone out for lunch with her friends, nail appointments, hair several times while her laptop is on)

I come home (either with or without kids) and first thing I do is make a drink for us, load dishwasher, pick bits and pieces up, so she can come downstairs after shutting the office door to a clean and tidy house, then I may do dinner or if she cooks I do bedtime for the youngest, sometimes both. I'm don't think that's "women's work", it's a partnership, life.

The hour or so we have together in the evening is nothing, phone out messaging the friends, not replying to my conversations

I go upstairs earlier as I'm up earlier, I'll be up in a minute she says, I'm either showered and asleep and don't know she's come up until next morning, or pretty much on the verge of nodding off when she does, phone out again.

Thank you

This. It sounds as if you’re suggesting she owes you attention because you have started to do your share of housework and childcare and providing. I’d take thst for granted as a base level. You don’t get brownie points for that. What else do you bring to your marriage?

Sounds like most marriages. Dull.

That's a fair point, and you're right yes I do feel like some attention would be nice, I'm not asking it because I've started doing more, I'm asking for it because closeness and intimacy is part of a marriage/relationship isn't it?

As for what else do I bring to the marriage, probably not alot else to be honest.

We both work, granted I do more overtime to help inject into savings and holidays so we don't rely on credit card, both do our fair share.

But I what I don't do is sit on my phone, ignore her conversations because I'm too in grossed in a friend chat and then bring it to bed also.

Thank you

I think OP is within his right to be unhappy with his wife prioritising her friends and social media. If she doesn’t want the marriage she should leave.

It’s very rude to treat a partner the way OP describes it. Book some therapy asap this marriage is on life support.

You arrange and let her know where and when. Sometimes women don’t appreciate nice men until he finds someone else then she will be here crying telling us he left out of the blue.