Workaholic

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I have been married 16 years, both in our 40s with tween DDs. I work 4 days a week, DH runs own business. We started couple counselling but he has stopped going, I found it helpful so going on my own now. I just don’t know whether marriage is now worth saving. Plain and simple I feel completely neglected and there is no partnership.Haven’t had sex for ages which he is grumpy about. Not really sure where to go from here. I feel resentful that I am the one carrying all the mental load and trying to save our marriage. DH falls into one work crisis to another and has no time for anything else. He talks a good talk - oh I want to take a sabbatical, I’d like to do x, y,z but work always takes priority. Issue is we have just taken on a bigger mortgage so it’s not like we can divorce. I can’t see us staying together once kids leave home. What a sad state of affairs.

What do you get out of this relationship now if there is no sex and no partnership?. Why stay with him at all?. All you’re doing is facilitating his career. It’s not easier to remain with such a person for what are really your own reasons (fear of the unknown, financial concerns etc).

Do not stay with him for the supposed sake of of the children. It could be argued you are not really staying because of them. They are not to be used as the glue here to bind you and he together. They won’t say thanks mum to you for doing that to them and could well
accuse you of being daft for staying and or putting him before them.

Staying with your h till the kids leave home (and equally they may not do so at 18) just further teaches them your relationship was based on a lie and their knowledge you stayed because of them is a terribly heavy burden to give them.

And taking on a bigger mortgage is no basis or reason why you cannot get divorced. Enough with kicking the can down the road. Be brave and seek legal advice now because knowledge is power and you do not have to act on it immediately.

And you cannot save a marriage on your own. He’s already checked out of joint counselling and that is very suggestive.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Alcoholism, drugs, workaholics they're all on the same spectrum. It tends to be a way of self medicating and not dealing with life. They're very self absorbed.

What do you want? If you'd struggle alone, perhaps bide your time and build a separate life. I would carry on with counselling, it sounds like a great idea.

Thank you for your replies. 🙏 Very helpful and self absorbed articulates it perfectly. I’ve felt sad after my last counselling session but maybe it’s lifted a veil in terms of putting his needs ahead of my own and striving for perfectionism. Start to rebuilding me. I actually already took the kids on holiday this year because he couldn’t find the time, says it all really.

I wouldnt stay in a marriage for kids. My mum did that and I really dont thank her for it. The last couple of years my parents were together was hell, we were all miserable. You get one life, im not spending it with someone I dont want to be with and who isnt a real partner. It sounds like your marriage is already over and its great that counselling is helping you but it wont save your marriage if he wont even go with you. Live your life for you and your children not someone who doesnt even want to be involved.

I'm sorry to hear this. I can say that I know how this feels. Me and my partner fell into this rut and I started to just feel like his nanny (looking after our own and his children from a previous relationship that live with us full time). He never made time for us. It put a huge strain on our relationship. I think it's worth exploring why he's doing it. I'd also say if he's disengaged with counselling he's just not ready or willing to face it. We did manage to sort things out, but my partner was committed to this after we we separated for a while. To be fair he really did put the effort in....and that's the only reason we were able to salvage it. If your partner isn't willing or ready, then you would need to ask if you are willing to wait and consider if you think he will ever do that. It's not godd for kids to be in a home where there is unhappy relationship. It doesn't set them a good example and sets the standards for their own relationships. Better they see you happy...if that's together because you can resolve this, or alone. But both parties have to be committed to that. I hope you manage to find some happiness, whatever the outcome xx

I was with my ex, the father of my children for 17 years, similar to yourself. We always meant to get married but something always came along that meant it was never a priority.
it was like that with us towards the end. I was the nanny and life organiser for the family and I really begrudged it. Then I got breast cancer at 35! Then before I’d finished treatment our teenage son had a burst brain aneurysm. We hobbled along for a while, supporting each other and the family. But ultimately, once me and me son were better, and I was back at work and wanting to live my life again (nothing crazy, just not living life inside 4 walls, even just going for walks together as a family or doing things with the kids) but he didn’t like it. Old arguments and resentments started flaring up and we decided we were better as friends rather than subject the kids to constant arguing, nitpicking and point scoring. We are both much better parents for it.

Only you know how you feel deep down in your gut, and it’s rarely wrong. Good for you for working on yourself and working out what’s best for you and your children. For me, coparenting is much easier to navigate than walking on eggshells for years around someone you’re supposed to be in love with.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. Sending lots of hugs!

He’s grumpy that there is no sex, but making no effort. Maybe divorce papers will motivate him to make an effort. Give him an ultimatum.

Hi all,
I literally could of written this post..
It's lonely and draining situation to be in..will follow for advice.
I feel stuck...as my husband just hits me with he works so much( farmer, joiner snd contractor) for our family..we live in "his" house, there is so much space and he is never there ..to cause such am upheival for the kids. .is more blame on me.

Have you suggested he goes to counselling on his own rather than with you? Usually people who are workaholics are trying to avoid /escape their feelings/ dealing with life. Did he say why he stopped the couples counselling ?

I would keep going yourself. Work on yourself and focus on building a life of the things that give you joy, help you relax and build strong connections to children and friends.

I encouraged my husband to go to counselling and it took over a year before he did but it was a turning point. It’s still a work in progress. I would also ask him what be thinks about living separately and how he feels about continuing in a relationship the way it is? What does he want from this?

It’s not a straight or easy path but if you do leave eventually at least you know you have it your best shot to make things work.
Its never an easy decision with children and finances.

Edited.

Your 40’s is a hard time.

I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal for sex to take a back seat sadly. Do you really want sex much more/ ever initiate it?

Its tricky as we have the other end of the spectrum where a man might be a waster/ won’t provide/ can’t keep a job.

im sure most of us would agree that an ambitious husband/ dad is much more appealing.

however you’ve obviously spilled into difficult territory. Counselling isn’t for everyone.

i would suggest finding small pockets of time. A brew together in the morning, a lunch time walk if you can both work remotely one day.

talking and connecting, watching something together at the weekend. You say he talks a good talk which shows he hasn’t checked out.

he is probably feeling a ton of pressure with having his own business. Takes a huge amount of sacrifice.

can you have a future plan to wind things down and have a more balanced lifestyle- give you a goal together? X

I don’t mean I have the other end of the spectrum I meant some women do!

My husband has a c suite level role and was a workaholic when our kids were very young. It almost tore us apart but we worked though it (I had counselling, he didnt have more than one session)

We are stronger than ever and he has a much better balance and boundaries with work as a result.,