Is this abusive behaviour?

[Moonlightfrog]

My dd is 21 and is diagnosed with autism. I have been a single parent since she was 11 after I left her father who was abusive (not physically but emotionally and financially). Dd hasn’t had the easiest of time growing up, I made mistakes by allowing her father to stay so long and by getting into another abusive relationship straight after……..since then I haven’t introduced any other men to the household and have remained single.

Dd has always been hard work, she think she’s more superior than me (and most other people). I have tried to guide her in the right direction many times but all I get back is a load of abuse and I get told that I don’t know anything. When I offer advice she bites (verbally). She is currently living back at home and I’m walking on egg shells. She refuses to help around the house, spends most of her time in her room chatting online, hasn’t left the house for a week. When I suggest she goes for a walk she makes out I am abusing her. Today she disagreed with something I suggested…..,I can’t even remember what it was now, but she shouted at me, told me I didn’t know what I was on about. I tried to calm her down by telling her “I didn’t want to argue and we will just leave it at that” but she kept on and kept getting louder, in the end I just walked away.

I love my dd and have supported her through uni, I have always been easy in her because she was so sensitive as a child (still is), I have never had to tell her off or raise my voice to her because I just have to look at her wrong and she cries, but now she’s an adult, home from uni and is acting like a 13 year old child. When I ask her to help cook or wash up she says “I didn’t ask to be born!”. I know she’s emotionally behind due to Autism but she’s just completed a degree and is perfectly capable of doing a few things to help out and I don’t think she should be treating me as a lesser person.

I want her to be able to live at home until she has sorted out a job and saved some money but I don’t know how long I can put up with her verbally abusing me for simply suggesting she does something other than stay in bed all day.

When does being a grumpy teen become abusive behaviour?
I’m worried she will treat others the way she treats me, that she will end up being an abuser when she ends up in a relationship because she can’t control her emotions.

Unfortunately children who grow up in an abusive household can emulate the behaviour. They're also susceptible to getting into abusive relationships because your relationships are their blueprint.

She's 21 so it's too late to get her into therapy but trauma based therapy might be beneficial if she's willing. DBT might also be helpful if she finds it difficult to regulate her emotions.

I would refuse to be bullied in my own house and I certainly wouldn't be running around after her.

I'm so sorry this is happening but you need to set some rules as that has nothing to do with autism. We have several with autism in our family and none act like that

She wouldn’t agree to any therapy as she doesn’t feel there’s anything wrong with how she reacts. Her dad was also autistic, I feel she picked up a lot from him, he wasn’t obviously abusive, never physically, it was always little things like expecting me to do the house work to a certain standard, not allowing me to have a social life and controlling what I spent. I have always done my best to protect both my DC’s which is why I kicked him out but I think it was too late for dd not to pick up some of his traits. My other dc is also autistic (more severely) and she’s pretty easy going.

When dd is home I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, when ever I ask her to do something or offer her any advice all I get back is abuse or she turns in the crying and makes out I’m being abusive. I end up allowing her to stay in her room just to have an easy life. She is supposed to be looking for work and sorting out universal credit because at the moment I’m supporting her financially. I have told her it might be a good idea to apply for social housing.

It's difficult. Do you manage to support her financially. I see you do. This can't carry on for ever. I wouldn't nag her about things like going for a walk. But if you do all the cooking and tidying and cleaning she needs to do a share. What about laundry.

Walking on egg shells is a sign of abusive behaviour. It's unlikely she'll get social housing but she can get a job and look for a houseshare. Spareroom.com is a good place to start.

She has some physical disabilities as well as having autism, we are also in an area where it’s pretty easy to get social housing (if it’s a one bed). I told her there’s no harm going on the list but not to get her hopes up.

She won’t share with a friend, she struggled in halls at uni and refused to house share.

I would not be so quick to reflect on past experience and spend time there mentally.

I really believe many Autistic people cross over into sociopathy. I think my teen is going to display more of this. I have a sociopathic mother. I'm now seeing that she's potentially also Autistic.

This is way beyond you and was written in the stars so to speak. Look only forward.

She sounds a nightmare. She sounds absent of empathy. She'll potentially make you very unwell. I'd be doing everything at this stage to get her into her own place. If you were to become unwell she'd suck the last breath from you. Not Safe. Your instincts are right. Love and care with a bit of physical and emotional distance.

I think I’m just trying to look for excuses for her behaviour and trying to blame myself as I’m the one who’s raised her. She has always been argumentative, she was very academic all through school but bullied badly, she didn’t really have friends until she got to uni. I’m sure she tells her friends how I’m an awful parent although I have supported her through uni with the things she struggles with. I’m not sure if she treats her friends how she treats me, I’m not sure if she’s as argumentative with them. She’s always struggled with friendships and her being so opinionated has played a big part in that.

I seem to spend a lot of my time trying to help her, trying to offer advice, but she always disagree with anything I suggest and makes me feel like I’m stupid and wrong about everything.

This mornings argument was because I made her get out of bed for 2 hours, she then complained that she had a head ache and blamed it on my because I told her to be careful with the squash as we were running out, apparently I was stopping her from drinking. I told her that maybe her head hurt because she was vertical for the first time this week after spending most of it in bed. She then lost it with me and told me I have no idea what her body needs and again accused me of restricting drink. In the end I just said “I’m not going to argue” and walked away, she went back to bed.

Was she exposed to your second abusive relationship? Did he live with you? How long were you together? I’m asking because until she was 11- a huge part of her formative years, was spent in an abusive household which will have been very traumatic and impacted her development. Further exposure to abuse would’ve damaged her even further.

He was living with for just under a year, she didn’t witness much until the last week when he verbally abused her, I kicked him out straight away but he continued to harass me for weeks until he was arrested. I think she knew it was an abusive relationship, there was a lot of stress from many things that were caused by him and my mental health was effected hugely so she saw me hit rock bottom. I felt a lot of guilt for exposing my dc to this, I still do but I have spoken to dd openly about what happened and remained single for the past ten years (I have dated but not brought anyone into my home). I will always feel guilt 😢.

And she never saw her father as an abuser, she was very close to her father and still sticks up for him, though she knows he wasn’t the best and that he had issues, she uses autism as an excuse for him being a bad parent and for the way he treated me.