I'm gradually accepting of this situation, just wanted to share and comiserate with anyone going through similar.
Dad (78) left a 12-year relationship in the summer of 2024. Within three months had met and married someone new. I still don't know her, she has been abusive (mostly by text) to me, my sister and my father.
I met her once. It was a very badly organised visit (by him...) and she ended up leaving town in a huff. But before that point we had a couple of hours in a tapas bar, where she introduced herself by way of her own traumas. The one that stood out was that - for unspecified evil daughter-in-law reasons - she almost never saw her own grandchildren.
Dad left my mum & sister on Find My iPhone; they told me this week that he seemed to have moved house. Weeks ago! And not told any of us.
I've administered his email for him for years. Out of desperation I snooped at his Sent Mail, and could confirm that he was organizing a move in April, and had left his old house at the end of May.
I've spoken to him 2 or 3 times since then. I let him know I'd sent father's days cards from the grandkids, and a magazine subscription as a gift. He didn't mention anything.
Two days ago he wrote to his financial advisor asking for his pension benefits, which were previously signed to me and my sister, to be changed to his wife.
In February he was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. He was stabilized, and diagnosed with a condition that's manageable, but only for 2-5 years. He's driving again, and visibly improving day by day, last I heard.
During his hospital stay, he had visitors every single day, particularly from my sister and her husband. Sis had a heart-to-heart with him. Dad showed her months and months of abusive texts and threats from the wife, brushing them off as "well I don't read them any more". My sister shared less-frequent, but similarly abusive messages from her.
I live further away, but visited for a long afternoon. We chatted, and he made a hugely reassuring speech to me that nothing was more important than his family. That he would have it out, and this would be non-negotiable with his wife.
Two days later he'd told hospital staff to block his wife from visiting. She did anyway, and (messily) Dad asked my sister to escort his wife to a side room. My sister passed on the message, that he didn't want to see her, at least today.
Two days later still, the hospital was ready to discharge him, and my sister came to pick him up. She had offered to visit daily, give up her work to make sure he was cared for. He said he wasn't ready yet, stayed one more day. The next day, he was gone, with his wife.
She is (somehow) a medical doctor, but one who only practiced as a nurse. She has cared for him through a rough drug regime, which I know Dad was particularly grateful for.
He declared that his phone was now a "shared phone", and if any of us texted him we would often get sharp messages back from her, often from his phone, berating us for our lack of care, or interference in their relationship.
He declared that he would be "taking a break from social media" because he blamed it for his relationship problems. When I said - you're not active on social media - do you mean you're just not going to reply to texts? He said yes, that's what he meant.
I said in my experience, his wife was cruel, controlling and undeniably abusive. I said I wouldn't see her, definitely not with my kids. Her last message to me had ended with quote "never speak to me again, boy", and I said this might make it difficult?
After his came back from hospital he sent away his own sister, who tried to visit and was told to go away, stop interfering etc. She is 82, and has since decided that life is too short.
I hear from family friends that he does not bring her to his frequent Rotary dinners, usually swearing off for some dog / dentist related excuse. Mutual friends simply do not believe that he has distanced himself from his family.
One more story - back in 2023, he called me to show his "investment portfolio", a financial login full of investment gibberish, and many many texts from his "investment advisor" on WhatsApp. Look, look! He'd got a 100% return on £4000 and was going to send another £20,000, but the bank kept stopping him for some reason. Did I think it was a good deal? Anyhow - we talked him down from that. This feels like that again, but worse.
Snooping felt like a necessity back then, and it defeinitely saved him from giving away more money to a scammer. Now it's all the contact I have.
My sister's kids (6 & 3) saw him much more often, and are asking where he's gone. She's told them he's still ill in hospital
She's not spoken to him for weeks, and I've left him 3 missed calls since Father's Day, which is pretty unusual for him.
He used to visit me a few times a year with his former partner, and we got on really well.
My wife asked me if I thought he was suffering some kind of mental decline. With all the hospital attention & contact from friends, I just think this is just who he is - willingly fading from his kids and grandchildren's life, buckling to the threats of a broken stranger.
I am so sad that these are his last healthy years, and I want to keep some thread of contact. I will still try calling every couple of days. I want to believe that he does still want his family, and that a little time away would do him good. But I don't know how to make that happen any more.
My sister was closer, is so angry with him, I'm not sure she can engage. His own sister has given up.
I'm worried the next contact will be a bloody Facebook message from family friend I can barely remember, meekingly informing me of a funeral date in his wife's home town, just in case I wanted to come.
I've not got anywhere else to go in this relationship. I will keep calling unless he tells me not to. But if you have a similar story with a happier ending I'd love to hear it.