He cheated on me

[Mamacocololo]

As the title suggests I have just found out my partner has slept with a girl from work.

this happened 1 month ago, one time apparently. They planned to go on a camping trip, whilst I was away and her partner was away.

I found out at work when he partner contacted me on social media asking to speak with me. I didn’t believe it but I called my partner and he broke down and admitted it straight away.

I have never felt more sick and distraught in my whole life. I don’t know who to tell or what to do, I feel so alone. I can’t eat, I can’t stop crying, I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep.

what’s worse is we all have children and I have to think about what’s right for my child but at the minute I just don’t know.

my partner (or ex) does not want to split up, he wants to make it work but how can I ever move past this? How can I forgive someone who arranged to have sex in secret with a girl from work?

You dont need to make any decisions now, so dont feel pressured to make any.
Unfortunately Ive been where you are. The shock is horrendous and you must prioritise looking after yourself and your child.
Confide in someone close, and get plenty of rest.
I had so many questions, be careful - you'll never unhear details, I needed to know everything and in hindsight I wish I didn't.
If you do decide that you want to reconcile (and there is no rush to make this decision) take a look at the survivinginfidelity.com website.
People do stay together, we did, but be aware its a long road and much harder work then I thought it would be. In my case worth it, but everyone is different.

There's no way I would take a man back that stuck his dick in someone else.

And then treat me like an absolute tick afterwards.

Fuck. That.

I think I would be willing to consider the thought of staying together if he assures you this will never happen again by putting his money where his mouth is by putting you on the mortgage. He needs to take repairing the trust, relationship and family extremely seriously. Couples counselling for both, a job change for him and financial security for you. Should you stay, he should know and accept that he has months and possibly years of hell in front of him, that this won't go away overnight, and if he is serious he needs to properly commit to the fact that this is his own stupid fault and HE is the one that needs to shoulder the difficulties of damaging his family; not you.

He DOES have a reason—he’s just not being honest with you. He planned it for weeks—he has a reason.

This. His willingness (or lack thereof) to put you on the deeds, go to couples counselling (paid for by him), and quit his job will tell you just how serious he is. Kicking any of the above down the road is a huge red flag.

Believe me, starting again on your own is a lot better than trying to make it work with someone who lied to you, betrayed you that you no longer trust.

Exactly. And this is a big part of the reason for couples counselling. For him to say "I don't know why this happened" means that there could be a next time that he just so happens to sleepwalk into, because he's not looking out for the triggers and proactively putting things in place (alongside you) to avoid them. Sadly a lot of people don't have the reflective skills or know themselves well enough to do this on their own, and exploring it with a therapist is helpful, whilst clueing their partner into the inner workings of their mind so that minor issues in the future are seen, understood and managed together before someone does something utterly stupid.

If it is financially in your advantage, exploit the guilt and get married now, ASAP. You would be in a better position to dump his cheating arse. Which I would do too.

@Mamacocololo tbh is walk .
He is taking the best of you op. Your child care your body. He isn’t giving you any security and is dis respecting you .
If you do stay then he doesn’t get into you bed or heart again untill he has left the job ( let’s see what matters more to him)
And straight to the bank to add your name on the mortgage or registry office. .

Wether you last forever or 2 more years you will then have security.

Again though I’d end it. He can’t be trusted . You deserve better

No absolutely do not do this!!! For many reasons! But ultimately, you don't just become entitled to everything from the second you get married.

You don't have to accept a life with an unfaithful, disloyal, sneaky dickhead just because he chose to be all of these things and go behind your back. I mean it's not even a drunken kiss, it was planned.

To stay with such a person is not necessarily putting your child first and might just put off the inevitable. That said, you don't have to decide right now, and if you choose to stay for the time being, that doesn't mean you can't decide in future weeks, months, or years to end the relationship.

(I'm a bit biased - my grandparent left such a partner and married and had a family with a wonderful person (my other grandparent) so me and my immediate family wouldn't even exist if they hadn't done the difficult thing and chosen not to accept such mistreatment.

I’m so sorry.

what an idiot. Very pre conceived. Not like a drunken ‘mistake’. But planned. He wouldn’t ever have told you.

on a logistical level… what a stupid way to cheat. Camping is such a faff with the packing/ unpacking. All the laundry when you get back. Taking all the kitchen utensils etc.

i guess he thought that way it wouldn’t show up on his bank statement that he’d stayed in a hotel. Which shows even more levels of pre conceived deceit

'we are engaged and not married so i know legally I’m not entitled to anything. I’ll be starting from rock bottom as a single parent'

Legally if you have contributed towards the house or bills incl food etc you are definitely entitled to something.

You are at rock bottom now - leaving would be a start of the upward trajectory

ATM, she is not even on the house deeds, FWIK, he can kick her out anytime. If they are married, in a civil partnership, or she is a joint owner, he needs a court order. To ask for a share of the property, she would have to take him to court and prove it was their forever home first. If married, it's all split fairly during divorce.

I would talk to a lawyer but I would consider it. Whatever happens, she and her kids would be in a much safer position. If not marriage, then a big share of the house. At the moment, she has a lot of power over him, she can't afford to lose that opportunity.

And I would not feel obliged to stay after it's done. That would only be repairing the massive injustice he is doing to her by having kids without giving her any protection, cheating or no cheating.

Thanks for the replies.

we were happy and I never worried about the house or money because I felt safe. ive learnt my lesson!

if it were just me I wouldn’t care about starting again but I have a child whose life is going to be torn apart. All she’s every known is going to change no matter what I decide

he’s decided to do this and honestly at this point I don’t even know if they went camping he probably just put the stuff in his car. I wasn’t home I was away for the weekend with my family so I have no idea what really happened that day/night.

Sorry that you can going through this OP. My advice would be:

1. talk to a friend or family member. This was hard for me because it made it all more real but I definitely felt better afterwards and their support has been invaluable.

2. talk to a solicitor, I have no idea what the situation is when you are not married but you should have all the information available to you before you make big decisions.

3. look at the help available, counselling (doesn’t mean you have to stay together but might help you be able to be civil and negotiate separation for the sake of the kids), mediation, therapy for yourself, it’s a really terrible thing that has happened to you and you should take all the help you can get.

4. brace yourself for what might come out in the next few weeks. I hate to be the bad news bear but if I have learned anything from MN it’s that the initial revelation is usually the tip of the iceberg. There often follows the unravelling of a huge web of lies, deceit and concealment followed by manipulative shifty behaviour.Get your support crew and your wine rack ready for this.

I wish you well OP x

OP, when I was younger my fiance at the time cheated on me very similar to yours. When I found out he did all the same crying and begging and claiming he didn't know why. But he did me know why. They do it because they wanted to. They do ito because they justify it to themselves it is not a big deal. They tell themselves whatever they want to hear so they can fuck someone else and come home to the nice life you gave them. They knew exactly what they were doing and fucking someone else became more important than your relationship. From then on you will always know that you are not their top priority. Anyone can be put above you if they flirt enough. They are not in it for the long haul but prioritize their sexual gratification over everything else including you and your DC.

Staying you will tie yourself up in knots always wondering. He cheated and it was premeditated. It could have even been in your bed for all you know now. Life is very short and I know it seems hard to start over but you aren't. You are someone amazing already without them. You have your beautiful child and they deserve a good role model and a strong mum who puts her well being above her cheating partner.

I did dump my ex and it took me two years to rebuild my life and get myself out of the despair I was in. But it was worth it. I ended up marrying my DH and we just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I didn't know what it was liked to be loved like I am before I met him and we cherish each other. I have not a doubt in my mind about our love and faithfulness to each other and our family. My ex has been married three times and has cheated on every single person he was with. I feel lucky to have escaped that life I almost had with him.

You are strong OP and can do the same. You deserve the love of a partner who always puts you first. I always tell my DC that if you put your partner first and they put you first then you are both always first and cared for and loved. You deserve that kind of love and devotion too OP. ❤️