Workaholic DH doesn't seem able to partially retire

[WitchesofPainswick]

DH 'retired and returned' to his job last year (senior government type role) and is supposed to be working 0.5 WTE.

This worked well for the first couple of months but gradually 'urgent' things came up and he is now working full-time hours, but being paid for 0.5 WTE!

A lot comes from long days (12-14 hours) which was normal when he was working full-time, and he now says is 'just a day and he's supposed to do 2.5 days'! So he ends up working full-time hours across three days.

We argue about this all the time but he can't seem to break his previous workaholic behaviours. He's basically working for free while I continue to work AND do everything at home!!

Any advice?

Maybe he's the kind of man who has no identity outside of his job. It's all about male ego. He's probably terrified of letting all that go and moving into the next stage of his life.

Counselling would help him make the transition.

It's true that he has no identity outside his job. He has been to a coach who he values to discuss these things, but TBH it's so ingrained in the work culture that I'm not sure any of them can really see it.

He had great plans for partial retirement and taking up other things - he's obviously done none of them!

I'd say let him work tbh - some people just aren't the retiring type - but he should definitely go back to fulltime work and get paid for it!

They're taking him for a mug. Retirement can be frightening especially if you have status, it can be difficult to let go. They usually get involved in voluntary committees.

I remember a woman on here some time ago who was furious with her husband because he retired and applied to do a PhD.

I wouldn't mind if he did a PhD! At least he'd have an interest that wasn't work.

I've suggested he just go back full-time and get paid for it - he has said he doesn't want this. But he genuinely thinks that 'full time' is 90 hours a week, which is why he thinks 0.5 WTE is around 40 hours. It's infuriating!

OP, I don't think you can change him now.

Can you afford to go out and have your own social life and hobbies? If so, let him get on with it.

His job is more important than you or your marriage - and always has been, by the sound of it.

His wife was furious because it's the equivalent of a full time job and it left her working and and doing everything in the house. She thought that his retirement meant he could support her for a change but he didn't even discuss it with her.

I too would start making my own plans, pulling back from any domestic chores, and leaving my own life.

Getting angry with him will only cause upset (to you) and it's really not worth it.

You can lead a horse to water and all that...

Maybe when he's having to cook his own dinners and wash his own socks he might realise that you're not some kind of domestic appliance whose job it is to facilitate his ego.

*leading my own life, not leaving!

I am a bit stuck because I've had to give up my career due to long covid. So I don't really have much of a life outside the home and it limits what I can stop doing! I am self-employed and WFM but wouldn't have the energy to do anything else outside of the house.

I had hoped that he would take on the domestic chores so I could have more energy for work or anything else, but that isn't happening.

Maybe I do just need to accept that this is just how he is. It's shit though!

If he worked and got paid for it you could stop working (unless it's something you do because you love it) and have more energy to enjoy your retirement instead.

In fact his salary could pay for some help with domestic chores.

Agree with this....dial back on domestic stuff, start exercising even if its just YouTube yoga, stop doing things like home cooked meals. Don't discuss any plans, just quietly do them.

If it's tiring to go out, you could even start a part time course in something and use the library and facilities? (For example, if you do an Open University course you get SCONUL library access to most UK university libraries).

There's plenty of older men who do this at my workplace (never women) , coming back after retirement just to hang about.

Honestly they're a total PITA.

They like the "authority" of hanging about offering their pearls of wisdom and "opinions" and "advice" and dominating the physical workspace whilst being needy and wanting attention at the same time.

Their behaviour is very out of touch and patronising (the way they talk to women and PoC is awful) and they are rarely up to date with anything useful.

It also screws up salary negotiations for others as (obviously) most of them are at the age when they have mortgages paid off, decent pensions etc. So it creates the expectation of free labour, people staying after their set hours.

So true.

I do actually work (small contracts of my own) which is where all my energy goes TBH.

It's shit because I wanted this time of my life to be where I could work full-time and finally have some support in my career - because of the long covid that's gone to shit. But I could still do with help.

It's not so much that paying for domestic help is going to help me now TBH - our nest is empty and I can keep up with things very easily. The cooking is a pain, but I can't stop cooking because I need to eat every day too!

@KettleRings - those points about older men 'never leaving' are so true. And it is true that the free labour/consultancy makes things worse for everyone else too! God. But those men can't see it.

He doesn't get to opt out of household chores OP. He will just have to do them on top of his 40 hour week, or cut back his working hours.

Let's face it, if he lived alone he would manage to wash his own clothes and clear up after himself even if he was working.

My brother is one of these men. He's an academic and technically now works in a consultant role - supposedly on an ad hoc basis. In reality he's always dealing with work related stuff - it even intrudes on his holidays! Drives his wife mad because she thought (hoped!) she'd finally get to spend some quality time with her husband now their children have left home.

Just out of interest, does your husband come from a disadvantaged background? My brother (and I) had a tough time growing up and I think part of my DB's overworking is around keeping his identity as a respected part of the scientific community. He worked so hard to get there and I think he feels that without work, he'd be irrelevant.

@HailtotheBop That's very interesting - yes he does, very disadvantaged indeed. There might be something in that.

I read a book a while back about this - “strength to strength” by Arthur c brooke

Essentially how to accept that you have to step away and gracefully your old professional career is no more

Agree with PP there is probably little you can do until they are ready to realise it

What were his FT hours when he was working FT? And is he being paid for 0.5?

If his FT job was genuinely 80-90 hours a week (sounds like he had a very demanding job so this is possibly true) then 0.5 is 40-45 hours a week - he’s not wrong. And if he’s being paid half of what he used to get for 80-90 hours, then yes he ought to be working 40-45 hours.

This may not line up with what you expected but it is a fair application of 0.5 for his particular job. Perhaps he needs to consider dropping to 0.25 if you need/want more support and don’t need him to earn 0.5 salary.

On the other hand, if his FT hours were actually more like 60 hours a week, and he’s now doing 40 then yes he’s overdoing it, at your expense.

I do understand the “wedded to work” phenomenon. I am having similar conversations with my DH about “dialling down” as we don’t need the income but I do need his time. In theory he could do his current job in a less demanding way, but taking on less work. However I think the only way any dialling down will actually happen is if he steps away from his current job entirely. Otherwise the demands and the culture will always be there as a pressure to do more.

Don't wait for him to "pick up" household chores, just stop doing them. He has no incentive to change what he's always done and enjoys if you just carry on with the domestic load.

Tell him you're getting a cleaner and will be using a laundry service from now on because you've done your share of household labour. Retire from all that stuff, make the change because he isn't going to unless he really has to. You might find you regain some energy to spend on looking after you.

Pass the cooking and meal planning to him OP. Since my dad retired he does all of it - my mum was well and truly sick of it!

Yes, when he was full-time it was 90+ hours a week. Very common in his area of work (senior statutory sector).

So perhaps him working 45 hours a week now is fine and I need to suck it up! But it makes no sense tome that he's being paid for 0.5 WTE and working full time hours.

He’s working full time hours for a more standard 35/40 hr a week job - but nowhere near full time hours for his actual previous job. And his 0.5 pay presumably reflects his actual previous pay so IMO more hours is entirely fair!

If you want his hours to be 0.5 of a more average job, then his pay would also reduce to 0.5 of a more average pay. I’m guessing that would be quite a big reduction! If you’d prefer that though, do talk to him about changing jobs or reducing down further.

(I’ve now written Job too many times and it’s starting to look weird).

Working 40 hours should still give him time to do his fair share around the house. After all, most full time working parents have to!