Toxic mum is draining me — how do I step back without guilt

[NoMoreEggshells]

I’m struggling with my mum and not sure how to move forward. She had a difficult childhood, but unfortunately passed that pain down to me. My own childhood was full of screaming, threats, and emotional instability. I was constantly walking on eggshells. Now I have ongoing mental and physical health issues, and I can’t ignore the impact that environment had on me.
She refuses to take responsibility and has recently started blaming me — saying I was “impossible to parent” and caused her stress. I’ve tried to keep some sort of relationship with her, seeing her weekly, but it’s starting to feel toxic again.
She’s had a long pattern of intense relationships, moving men in quickly and then saying they were abusive. The current situation is with her long-term partner (married for years). He supported her financially, put her name on the house, and she’s barely worked in her life. Now she’s leaving and trying to take half of everything, claiming abuse again — the same pattern I’ve seen before.
I gently said maybe she should take some time to be alone and reflect before jumping into something new, and she snapped that I was “parenting her.”
I’m exhausted. I’m doing everything I can to heal and rebuild my life, but every time I let her in, it knocks me back. I don’t want drama, just peace. Has anyone been through similar? How do you protect yourself emotionally when the parent is the one causing the damage?

‘Don’t you worry about that, Mommy Dearest. You’re so grown up I’ll leave you right alone.’

Some people are always toddlers, OP. So sorry for you.

I'm slowly learning to protect myself, mainly using podcasts on Spotify. My dm is a narcissist so I tend to stick to information on dc of narcissist parents. Jerry Wise is good. The Crappy childhood fairy is another good series. There are techniques you can learn I think to cope better. She was like this before you were born. It isn't anything you've done.

I would advise you to put strong boundaries in place now. Go low or no contact for your own sake. If you stay in regular contact she will expect you to step up and help her in old age and, believe me, all that toxic behaviour only gets worse.

My own narcissistic mother is an angry, bitter old woman who expects everyone to dance to her tune and, literally, wait on her hand and foot. She has no concept of how draining her constant demands are. Protect yourself while you can and give your mother plenty of notice that she will need to plan for her own care as she gets older.

I want to cut contact or at least take space, but I’m honestly scared of how she’ll react. She’s unpredictable and emotionally unstable right now, and in the past when I didn’t reply to her messages, she nearly turned up at my house uninvited.
When I used to live with her, things got physically intimidating — screaming, slamming doors, threats — and I’m terrified of anything like that happening again. She also once said she’d kill herself if services got involved, so I feel trapped and afraid of what she might do if I step back.
I know I need distance, but I don’t know how to do it safely.

I don't pretend to have a definitive answer but one way to back out is to adopt a defeated air... Then have a line like, 'Well, I'm no good at helping you on this, I'm not up to it' - again, the defeated tone is key to this, not confrontational.

It seems a bit dumb for them to then keep on wanting your help if you've admitted you aren't too sharp. Not saying you should mean it, of course, and actually think you're no good. Yet in this particular situation, I guess you can say it's true, I mean who would be able to sort it out.

She has conditioned you all your life into feeling responsible for her outbursts. There is only one way to deal with people like that and it is to step away from her drama and leave her to it. If she threatens self-harm again or comes round your house being abusive - she is only doing it to force you into being compliant. If you are genuinely worried about her safety if she is threatening suicide, call the police.

You are an adult and you do not have to put up with this. You are NOT responsible for her in any way.

I will think about responses later, but I am listening. I feel really sorry for her husband who she’s leaving and rinsing. He worked for everything he had and has. She is the abuser

Google grey rock and apply. Also you don’t have to pick up the phone or even speak to her at all if you don’t want to. She’s the problem not you, she is using you to offload on. Try to really empathise with the child you were, would you treat a child like that? No you probably wouldn’t because you aren’t an asshole. It took some time to realise how utterly cruel my mum was to me but by god was it freeing. I saw here for who she really was at that point.

She has a pattern of relationships getting intense and then leaving claiming they were abusive when she is the abuser.
Whenever she leaves a relationship she takes out all her frustration on me. If I try and get her to stop she gets aggressive and threatening. She notices if I’m “being off” and has a go at me for that too,
I want to cut her off completely, blocked number etc. she knows where I live, I know based on the past she will get even more abusive. May try to come over or do other nasty some power moves.
I’m going to try and get some legal advice tomorrow. I don’t know what to think

Sounds like mum has lots of issues.
Have you both sat down and been able to have a conversation.
Maybe she hasn't realised the effect this has had on you?
Perhaps a conversation about how she might be able to reflect and work one herself.
Perhaps a good counsellor and you could both work on things together.
Everything is about perspective.
The important question is do you want a relationship with your mum?
How will that relationship look.
Maybe not exactly how you want it to.
If you don't have that conversation how will she ever know that she hurt you.
Maybe deep down she need you to say.
Remember she has a story to tell about her life.
No one is perfect and parents have flaws, people are not perfect.
Good luck and be kind to yourself.

We are all on a journey of life and forgiveness.

Forgiveness starts with you on that journey. 💛

Tell me you don't understand an abusive mother without telling me you don't understand 🙄. I'm sure you mean well, but the OP has already stated that the mother takes ZERO responsibility for anything that may have happened or caused trauma in the past.

She also gets threatening and abusive when confronted or ignored. If they don't recommend therapy with an abusive partner, then surely therapy with an abusive parent won't work either.

@NoMoreEggshells don't let posters make you feel guilty for not trying more.

You're going to have to make a decision and stick to it. do you want to live the rest of your life with this shadow over you or will you make a clean break and live a happy life?

I wish you all the luck in the world.

You're on a complete hiding to nothing.

Do look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). You have been programmed from a young age which is why you are finding this so very difficult.

Going VLC (very low contact) or better still NC (no contact) is the only way you can begin your journey to heal. Do check out the Stately Homes threads here on Mumsnet.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness and you don't have to keep setting yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Drop the rope and walk away. Put up rock solid boundaries.

Take the power away from her - what can she ACTUALLY do to you in very practical terms?
She can shout down the phone - you hang up
Abusive messages - delete
She turns up at your house - ignore her
Threatens to kill herself - call the police
I have had similar with my father and once you realise that you are a grown up now and other than causing you a bit of discomfort and upset they can't really DO much else

I am not suggesting anyone should be put at risk of being physically attacked or verbally abused.

I hope you find peace and can heal.

Reduce the amount of contact you have with her now down to zero sum. She threatening to kill herself is a well worn tactic that abusive people employ to keep their target (in this case you) in line. Do not set yourself on fire here to keep her warm. She cannot do anything now other than shout at you which you should ignore anyway.

It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. her own family did this to her but she had a choice when it came to you and she chose the same old that was meted out to her. She never wanted to seek nor sought the necessary help.

Do you think she feels guilty about how you;ve been treated by her; no not a bit of it. You only feel a misplaced sense of guilt because you are a nice person unlike she. Many adult children of toxic parents do go into a FOG state which is fear obligation and guilt and those are three unwanted buttons that your mother installed in you. Look for a BAP registered therapist you can work with and do not necessarily go with the first person you talk to. This person has to fit in with your approach.

Do also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and consider reading and or posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

You owe your mother nothing, let alone a relationship here. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Drop the rope completely here and if you want permission from someone to walk away then you have mine.

I totally understand and feel for you with what you are going through with your abusive mother, I too had similar and am not ashamed to say have no sorrow she’s no longer around. I try not to have regrets about how I handled things (or didn’t 🫣) but now know that if I had just found the strength to totally block her and my father out of my life and stuck to it, it definitely would have been better for me and my own wonderful family but I was so terrified all the time about possible repercussions/FOG - realistically though, the repercussions couldn’t be any worse that her behavior any way

You sound like you’ve reached the end of your tether and are at an emotional crossroads in that you either tolerate it or put an end to this abuse with no contact once and for all, I really hope you can do this for your future happiness and well being if that’s what you truly want ..wishing you all the best

I second the recommendation for Susan Forward’s books.