I broke up with her

[Hxnzxo]

Hey guys, this is the final post. Me and my girlfriend were together for 2 years. We're both 19. Just over a month ago she broke up with me over a number of issues, mainly involving me oversleeping and not being attentive to her. I recognised how bad I'd been and I apologised and pleaded with her, but she was firm and we agreed to end it. However, after speaking to a friend from unversity he told me to fight for the relationship, write her an apology letter and visit her the next day. I did it, I was genuinely sorry and wanted to work it out. I bought her flowers and visited her. She told me she didn't want to break up and we therefore stayed together. It's been just over a month since then, but we're back in a similar situation now and I think there's barely a chance of it working out since I already failed once.

It began when last night she got quite upset with me since I was playing instead of calling her. I think I've really been distracted recently and just doing my own thing, which is one of the reasons why I think I'm not ready for a relationship and don't want to make her upset any longer.
She asked me to play with her and I said which game, and she said "let's play bedtime". I genuinely thought that meant go to sleep in real life and she didn't actually mean to play a game called "bedtime". So I then just kind of kept playing and got distracted so I forgot to reply to her.
She therefore went on to say I didn't want to talk to her anymore and that she just wanted to spend time with me. She then said it seemed like I don't like her anymore and it wasn't working out, that she wasn't happy, and it's been a lot of things piling up, including the whole thing of me refusing to cuddle, hug or kiss sometimes since I'm so afraid of having committed a crime. I told her it's me and nothing to do with liking her, just my anxiety/ocd, but she said it still made her feel very insecure and horrible.
Flash forward to this morning, I agreed with breaking up, because it would be better for the both of us, so she can be happy and I can no longer stress over so many things. It was also partly because of numerous people telling me that a break up is the best way and to focus on myself for a bit, along with my closer friends.

However, she just started saying that she didn't want to break up and thought I'd try to work it out or at least make it better. I said it was the better decision since it's not the first time I've promised to be better and work things out, and clearly it hasn't worked out. I'm really cutting this short because she's still calling me and messaging as I speak, but she was really fighting against it and wants to talk.
I just sent her one paragraph, then a goodbye, and stopped replying from there.

This was the paragraph I sent her - "I’ve given it a lot of thought, I want to end the relationship and break up. I know it’s not easy to hear and I know you want to make it work but deep down I think we both know it’s the healthiest and best choice for us both. I genuinely want the best for you, this is really hard for me too."
I then said "Goodbye (her name)".

I really want to be gentle and soften the blow, but I feel like I'm being really cold and not like myself at all. I haven't picked up her calls and she's been trying and begging for a while now. I feel horrible.
After I sent the paragraph and goodbye she said "no", no" and to please pick up her calls.
She's probably in tears and I feel like such an asshole for not picking up or even talking to her about it.

She's also just texted me that if I don't pick up and explain it to her she's coming to my house to talk. I'm guessing she needs clearance, and I feel way too cold and horrible by not even talking to her. I don't feel like this is what I should be like at all and there's much better or gentler way to handle this.

Can someone please help? Am I handling this completely wrong?

No I think you’ve done the best thing. Now block her.

You’ve done the right thing. I think blocking as a previous poster suggested will make you look really cold and nasty, however not replying to her messages is the best thing to do. There are ways to mark them so you don’t get notifications for them. Let her calm down.

you are young and will meet someone else, I didn’t kiss a boy till I was 23.

Talk to her, but don't let her talk you round. It sounds like breaking up is the best thing to do. Perhaps a conversation over the phone will help give her some closure.

Do not take her back.

Stop trying to make her stay with you and talk to your therapist! We are not your therapists and we cannot help with your OCD which your relationship issues are hugely linked to.

Thank you. I messaged her this morning that "okay, we can call, but no arguing just talking", and we're about to do it at 2pm.

I'm kind of overthinking since I'm worried that I want the call for the wrong reasons. I saw her block me on every other social media apart from messages, and me texting her was kind of like a last-ditch effort to talk for the last time after realising how much I miss her and how cold I was yesterday.
But, I feel like that's sort of taking advantage of her in a way because I want the call out of missing her and wanting to hear her voice again and talk for the last time, which I feel like is the wrong reason.
I might only be doing it to soothe the pain or to relieve myself from missing her, which isn't a good thing I don't think.

I really don't want to do it now but we agreed on 2pm and if I backttrack it'll just upset her again and probably worsen things. I'm thinking that I might technically taking advantage of her/manipulating and it might be a sort of crime?

Why does everyone block these days? wtf is it with blocking people? It’s rude, it’s nasty, it’s offensive, it’s immature, generally just horrible and says a lot about the person doing it.

Please don't engage with this thread. I'm not being unkind but this thread is reassurance seeking behaviour from someone with severe OCD. It's not helpful to engage in that.

OP, we aren't therapists, we can't help with your OCD and intrusive thoughts.

Hey again guys, we didn't manage to call since I didn't really feel like it out of fear that I'd just be doing it to soothe myself from missing her. She just called me now and was asking why I've been ignoring her though. I'm thinking of calling her and saying that we just need a break and I need some time to sort my mental health out.

She's asking me to please stop ignoring her and call her and it just breaks my heart. I'm not like this.

This is why I don’t think people should be in serious.relationships as teens.. it’s really a waste … when you are 30 you are able to understand that a long term relationship doesn’t revolve around being each others source of entertainment and that it’s normal emotional excitement wears off. You are wasting your life playing games and arguing about literally nothing. Meanwhile your brain is priming itself to absorb retain and grow many neurons = invaluable time for learning a trade or something of value. Adolescence is a time for developing your identity. This is impossible in a serious relationship. You should be socializing with groups, group dates, but developing yourself. Once you are 23-25 your brain is ready to focus on intimacy and a partnership. The goal should be a family. Not video game and attention addictions.

You've made the right decision. It's not healthy to have this weird second guessing, blowing hot and cold type situation. It's nothing even close to a mature relationship and never will be.
Just forget her, block her and move on.

Focus on your friends, hobbies, career goals etc. then in time think about a new relationship. To have a break fully and be single for a while would be a good thing.

You're still very young with a lot of things going on in your life. You've parted ways, sensibly, so leave it at that.

I haven't read the history here but all you are doing here is 'trying not to be the one that got dumped', and 'trying not to be the one who hurt the others feelings'. So neither of you has a way out.

And agree - focus on growing as a person. Your brain doesn't even stop developing until you are 30.

Hi guys, I want to let you know on what has happened for the past 2 months, because I made the wrong decision and have inevitably messed this thing up again.

The 2 weeks after I last commented here were very rocky because 1. I was anxious to meet as outlined before, and 2. my texts were very dry and I'd often hesitate or take too long to text her, because I'd overthink about my texts being a form of harassment - for instance if I knew that a text would upset her or not be taken well and I said it anyway, or if I try to text "too much" while knowing that she's upset or doesn't want to talk to me. I'd spiral about this a lot and just to be safe and avoid worrying I'd just not say anything at all. I'd also occasionally worry about having bad intentions behind a text, such as saying it out of anger/frustration, or me saying something I didn't mean for the sake of not upsetting her and worrying that I was being manipulative or just a bad person. Due to these mental barriers, I'd often just not say anything, or something plain and short that sounded like it had no emotion behind it and was written by a robot (because I was worried about saying too much and it being some sort of manipulation/harassment).

I just want to say I'm no longer worried about these, but at the time I was and it was the main reason why she'd be upset, and she'd say on some occasions that I didn't like her anymore because it really didn't seem like it.

One of the main reasons why I was so anxious was physical contact, and it's still here today. Whenever we'd be out together she'd sometimes be holding onto my arm, and my elbow or back of arm would touch her "chest" area. I'd start stressing since 1. it's a sexual area and 2. I'd think her intention wasn't to let me touch her chest but to hold onto my arm, so me thinking about the touch there instead of her holding my arm, kind of seems like she wouldn't want it/didn't think of it like that, so I stressed that it wasn't consensual and I tried to move my arm away or stop the contact (but then I'd get anxious that I might hurt her if I pulled away too hard or twitch/jerk out of stress).

Even with the not texting and being anxious to see her I explained it was just me being anxious and ocd. I was telling her that I believed we needed a break to sort myself out or alternatively that we could be friends, and she actually agreed to being friends at one point since she wouldn't be upset over me not replying, while I wouldn't worry so much about contact and seeing each other.
After those few days of her getting upset, she apologised to me at one point, saying she should be more understanding to my ocd. We agreed to meet to talk about us, and I decided to put aside my worries about contact and just go see her. I did so, and when we did meet up I decided to explain to her exactly what worries me with the touching when we're outside, and she was very understanding and reassured me. She said it was okay and we cleared up the problem with the touching when we're out, and I even asked if it's always fine and she agreed.

She asked if we really have to break up and when I asked at another occasion she'd said she didn't want to be friends, and I said no since I felt much better and the only main reason I was worried was just the physical contact stuff. We went for a walk and I walked her home, and we ended the day off on a happy note.

However, something went wrong again those few days and I feel bad because today I don't even remember why. If I had to guess I think it was that I might have still been kind of cold over text and I remember her being upset one day because it seemed like I really didn't like her. I also told her I was leaving on the 15th to go on holiday, and we only had the day before that to meet up and talk in person.

We did that and met up on the 14th to get lunch. She was very upset and even wanted to go home at one point, but then she came back and we spoke things out. It was kind of similar to the previous time because at the end we agreed to not break up. We even went back to my house later that day and spend the rest of the day together, and she left in the evening.

I then went on holiday from the 15th, and came back yesterday. We texted every day and called too. There were some issues that came up during that though, one was when she'd say she misses me and loves me, I'd want to say it back but I felt like I didn't mean it, because I was enjoying my time with family and I just felt empty, like I kept questioning whether I really love her because saying it felt like I didn't mean it. It also showed because at one point she said she didn't feel special and I realised I wasn't treating her like a proper girlfriend should be. Most of the time it'd be her messaging me and I'd be busy or not able to text/call, and my texts would be kind of dry again with the issue of me just not knowing what to say or hesitating and overthinking it.

We stayed together through these because I was apologising and tried to text her more. I'm still trying it now and I've gotten over that mental barrier with texting, I just say what I think of and try not to overthink it so much. I also saw somewhere that debating whether you love someone and feeling bad about it can also be a form of ocd, and that staying with that person is ultimately a form of love, so it kind of reassured me and I started saying I love you and i miss you back to her.

Her birthday was on the 3rd, and I missed it because I had to be there for my niece's birthday on the 2nd. She even nearly broke up with me on the next morning because we'd agreed to meet up on the 10th but I tried to delay it to the 12th, which made her feel like I didn't want to see her. She was crying and was asking me when I stopped loving her, but I said I didn't and said that I was being stupid and do want to do the 10th. It took some time but she said if we stay together will I be better and talk to her and I said yes. I think I did it because I didn't want to have left her waiting for me for so long just to break up and not see each other, and I knew that she'd just be broken if I did so. So we agreed on meeting up on the 10th which is tomorrow.

We then kind of went back to normal for the last few days until yesterday, she was being very loving and asked to come over tomorrow and I said yes. She wanted to stay until friday and I said that she could, even though I get precisely worried about when she stays overnight and more than one day, (because of things like us being in the same bed, cuddling, sleeping together etc. and me saying no out of fear of sex, contact and anything going wrong).

If we were spending the day out doing something or on a date I'd feel better but since she's coming over and staying 2 days I feel much worse. But what type of boyfriend doesn't want his girlfriend to come over and worries about it? Either he doesn't truly love her or has some sort of problem.

In the end I see that nothing has changed apart from that I text a bit more and aren't so much worried about contact, and I feel like I'm just an * because I had the opportunity to end it before I left but couldn't get myself to and have just been leading her on. If she comes over tomorrow I'm just going to be even more worried about the contact and whether I truly like her or am just leading her on, and all this being some sort of crime because I don't feel like I should be hugging and touching her when she truly loves me and thinks I love her but on the inside I still don't feel great about her coming over. But the thing is I know there will 100% be a hug and some contact because it's been nearly 2 months since we saw each other in July and she misses me, so I know she'll want to hug me, there'll be contact and I'll get worried because I don't feel like I love her and therefore the hug wouldn't have been wanted if she knew that, which equates to crime in my brain, just like before.
I just feel nothing, I kind of want to ask if it's okay if we don't touch tomorrow but I know that'll make her upset or change her mind. But I also don't want our chests to make contact as I think I'll enjoy it and it'll be a crime since I don't feel anything and I'm basically leading her on while in reality I'm not fit for a relationship and don't feel love, so I really think I shouldn't be hugging her or making physical contact at all. She's been saying she's very excited to see me tomorrow and that she misses me, while I don't even know what to say because I think I don't feel the same and that makes me worried because I feel like I shouldn't be hugging her and making contact with sexual areas if I don't love her, so if I go through with it tomorrow and she stays over it'll potentially be a crime in my head.

I should've made an effort to talk to a therapist when I was there as I said I would, but instead enjoyed my time and delayed it, and there's no time now unless I call it off, but that will be a very very bad conversation. Sure I'll talk to someone now, but what do I do about tomorrow.

I get that I've put myself in this situation and it is all my fault. I just don't know if I'll be comitting a crime by having her over for the next 2 days and any contact that might happen when we hug or talk and stuff, because I'm debating if I truly love her if I want to be alone even though we haven't seen each other for so long I don't feel anything, and it all makes me feel guilty like a horrible person.

What do I do?