Is reconciliation possible after no-contact with a family member?

[Myeyesareopen]

At the beginning of this year I made the very difficult decision to cut a family member out of my life. Now they have reached out and want to chat. Am I naïve to think reconciliation is possible?

After a disastrous Christmas and a torrent of abuse, I made the decision early this year to cut my brother out of my life. He has consistently throughout the years displayed bouts of alarming and dangerous behaviour, and narcissistic and abusive patterns of behaviour towards myself and my other brother. There was a time when I was genuinely fearful for my safety.

He has a large life event coming up in the autumn that I have made the decision not to attend. My other family members don't agree with my decision, however I wouldn't expect them to, as my brother is very good at wearing two faces, so they don't know what he is really like. I feel it is the right decision for me and my family not to go.

This week, after months of no contact (at my request,) my brother reached out and asked to meet for a coffee. My DH thinks I should go and reconcile. I should add that my brothers and I are orphans, we have very little in terms of family and it is partly because of this that I feel that I should go and see what he has to say.

However, am I being naive? I honestly don't expect our relationship to change, I just expect he will 'behave' until something happens that doesn't go his way, and we will see the same abuse. He can't change as he cannot accept that he is to blame for any of it. I would only be going for his benefit, because I feel guilty that he has nobody else, not because I want to, because I am happier without him in my life.

If I don't go though, I will feel so much more guilt for turning him down when he has reached out and wants to make amends (if this is what he wants, I won't know unless I go.)

Has anyone had a similar experience? Is it possible to reconcile? Any advice/experience shared would be gratefully received.

Only have people in your life if you’re happier for having them in your life.

Why now too?. What does he want from you?.

Do not bother and do not respond further. Your brother has not changed and your Dh is being naive. He just wants you to think he has changed and this is no olive branch.

Cutting contact with a family member is not a decision that anyone comes to lightly. I went NC with my siblings for good reason.

One sibling reached out to me after some years asking if we could get together and reconcile. I thought about it for a while then came to the firm conclusion: no.

There is nothing there for me except heartache and whatever else will no doubt come around after any initial reconciliation. The well is dry. It will end badly again as it always does.

It's totally up to you obviously, but after years of seeing the same repeat patterns, you know how this will go.

He’s also trampled over and otherwise now disregarded your no contact boundary. For that reason too you should not see him.

It’s not your fault he has nobody else. He has done that to himself by his actions. To an abuser it’s always someone else’s fault and never their own. You are only responsible for your own self. Read about fear obligation and guilt. You likely would not have tolerated this behaviour from a friend, your brother is no different.

He may be reaching out to ensure that you attend his celebration this autumn. Maybe he doesn't want people to ask why you aren't there and he will be losing face. It can't be because he feels bad about his past behaviour.

’Sorry, but I’m not ready to resume contact with you’. This way, you have said no but not shut the door totally if in the future you want to try and have a relationship again.

I should say I have never been in your position so can’t speak from experience.

However, it seems like you and your husband assume that going for a coffee = reconciliation but they are two different things. You can go for a coffee but reserve your position on whether that means you will reconcile.

In your shoes, I would go for a coffee but our family dynamics are much more straightforward (occasional friction but nothing remotely worth going NC over), so what would be right for me might not be right for you. But perhaps you would go and decide that a full reconciliation is not possible but LC is. Or you might just be confirmed in your assessment that NC is the way to go.

On balance, unless you think having a coffee with your brother will in itself be hugely painful to you, I think you’re more likely to regret not going for a coffee with him than going for it.

I was in exactly the same situation with my brother for exactly the same reason. NC for two years. The only reason I started speaking to him (nominally) again is that my parents are very old and not well.

After they are gone the chances of me seeing him again are slim.

In your case I probably wouldn't. I'm so sorry BTW, it's an awful thing. You deserved a kind brother. So did I.

What he wants from you is a response and that to such disordered of thinking people is the reward. Do not respond and in addition further block him from being able to contact you. No contact after all is just that.

Thanks for thinking of me but I don’t have time for a meet up right now. Have a lovely party.

When you cut out a narcissist there is no added value to doing it obviously. So do it in a way that is largely imperceptible. Delay, avoid, disengage. Think of it as an exercise in avoiding a predator—as a mouse avoids the cat. You don’t need to tip your hand (“I am going no contact and here’s why.”) Just join the Tribe With No Word For No “They just nod their heads and say I will get back to you.”

Thank you all for your responses. I think the thing I am struggling most with is guilt, and doubting myself. I know this is a symptom of past abuse where I was always made out to be the one in the wrong. I am getting a lot of pressure from DH and others to reconcile as the event draws closer, and as brother is extending the olive branch, I would be the unreasonable one if I do not take it. (And then I reason what what they think doesn't matter to me, because I know the truth.)

My other brother is struggling with me and brother's breakdown in relationship, he says it is like our parents getting divorced all over again, and family members are distressed as my DM died recently and they say this would have broken her heart. Again, more guilt, but I feel like this is not my problem (DM was abusive also in a different way).

I would love to have a positive, friendly relationship with my brother more than anything. I just don't think it is possible.

I suppose the fact that a small part of me is scared that if I say no he will get angry and come knock on my door anyway proves that I should say no.

My father went NC with me after his girlfriend said I didn’t treat her nicely enough a year ago.

I have gone over and over in my head what I would do now if he asked to see me and I’d be very much like you, totally conflicted. I THINK I’d go but I’d ensure I knew what my boundaries were and be somewhere I felt comfortable. I’d try and start by resuming a very distant relationship, maybe seeing him once a month before even considering anything closer.

I can't block him completely as I am executor of departed DM's estate and need to keep brothers informed of house sale progress etc.

I know this is a symptom of past abuse where I was always made out to be the one in the wrong.

Get some counselling. But also, every single time, think of a lovely friend you love, and ask yourself, "would she be reasonable to do this?". We are more generous to others. My best friend, when I expressed guilt, essentially told me not to. Because she loves me. Please try to be as kind and generous to yourself as you would be to someone else.

It would help if your dh were on your side. Is there any hope that he can recognize your right not to be abused or used by your brothers? The accident of birth and some sort of fantasy duty to your mother’s spirit is not reason enough to submit to more abuse.

Does your husband know you’ve actually felt unsafe around your brother? I’d like to think he doesn’t or would not be encouraging you to resurrect your relationship. Tell him.

If he does know, wtf is wrong with him?

Don’t be guilted into meeting him. I doubt going nc was an easy decision to make and you seem to know deep down that if you do meet him, agree to showing up for his event, you will have to go through all that again the next time he is displeased by something you say or do.

I do understand the guilt you are feeling, which your DH has added to, perhaps unwittingly. But it’s misplaced. What your brother wants isn’t more important than what you want. And as others have said, your brother has caused the nc so you owe him nothing. Every time that guilt creeps in, remind yourself that

Lots in your post about guilt and other people's feelings and very little about you and what you want OP, you do realise that your feelings are every bit as important as everyone else's don't you? Is anyone putting your feelings before their own in this situation? No they're not, so why would you put theirs before your own?

It's pretty clear from what little you have said about how you feel that you don't want to resume contact and you don't want to go to the event, everything else you've written is about other people's feelings, wishes or opinions and none of that overrides your (completely valid and understandable btw) feelings, it's your life and you get to decide what's best for you. And it's ok to put what's best for you above what's best for other people sometimes, especially when that involves protecting yourself from someone abusive.

Why do you feel guilty when your brother is the abuser?. He’s piled the guilt onto you.

Do you think your abusive brother feels guilty?. No not at all. He just wants you to fall into line and this is what his hoovering attempt is all about. Do not fall for such attempts. Your Dh came from an emotionally healthy family whereas you did not.

You can hand over your current executor role to someone else like a solicitor if that also helps you avoid contact with your abuser. Be tired of being the last person in your life who matters.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

This is great advice op,

Some great wisdom grenades being thrown on this thread. When I wrote the original post, I was in the mind that I would go, because I should, and I was afraid.

Now I have decided that I will not go, and I am afraid of what response I will get when I tell him this, but I will deal with it.

I really feel supported by you as a bunch of internet strangers. Thank you. It's a little pathetic how much I needed to hear some of these things.

I will also speak to DH about supporting me with this. He knows brother very well, he knows he can be a dangerous person, however DH is of the opinion that LC would be better than NC as it keeps things rosy.

Guilt is horrible and really hard to handle. It's been hard-wired into you and is all to do with the way we are raised and conditioned, and it's not healthy.

Ditching the guilt takes practice and strength. Learning about it can be helpful. The website, "out of the fog", is a good place to start. It gives insight into our feelings of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

You don't owe your brother anything.

It is not an easy choice to go NC. In my own experience of dealing with at best avoidant at worst narcissistic family members is that the patterns of these personalities types are very stable and they rarely change. Their grandiosity blocks their ability to really feel the discomfort of their negative emotions which would allow them to change and they are dab hands at rewriting history to put the victim in the place of the abuser. So in summary you will still be liable to meet that side of your brother in the future. I have a personality that is pretty okay at managing that type of personality due to early years training but I cannot have a close intimate relationship with them because the risk of harm from them is too high. I would suggest that you are very likely to be harmed again in the future by you’re brother and a close relationship is never going to be possible so at best what is on offer is a high risk low value relationship.

Rosy for whom? certainly not for you.

Has it struck you that all the men in your life have let you down? Abusive brother, other subling who wants you to play nice and continue to be abused by Abusive brother... and now your dh too is pressuring you to reconcile. No wonder you are second guessing yourself. Not a single man has your best interests at heart, so you need to stand up for yourself.

What has he done to change his patterns of behaviour?

I am NC with a family member. I asked her to get some professional help for her problems as a condition of us working on our relationship (before I went NC). She refused. Well, she made every excuse in the book first, too busy, forgot, was seeing a therapist but then turns out she wasn’t, too expensive, too far away, would only go to max 2 sessions, then flat out refused.

It’s been 5 years now. She does a couple times a year contact me (I never respond) to ask to reconcile. But still in 5 years time, she has still never sought any help to change her behaviour. She has all the time in the world (retired, no family obligations as we’re all NC with her). She has enough money to get the best possible support as wealthy.

I’d be incredibly surprised if your brother has done any work on himself and changed a lifetime of behaviour in 6 months. 🙄 It sounds like he’s just trying to manipulate you. I know this game very well. They extend a fake olive branch, make it impossible for you to accept, probably abuse you, then when you don’t do what they want, they throw their hands up and say, look I tried to do so much to fix this and she’s a terrible person and look how awful she is being and it’s obviously all her fault. Don’t even play the game.