Disclosing past with fiancé, advice please

[HDB2024]

Just looking for a bit of advice. I’ve been with my fiance for 10 years now, nearly 9 years ago when I was 23 I made the very stupid decision to meet up with a guy I was previously seeing thinking it was for a chat as he had a girlfriend too - still not right I know but I wanted to know if there was feelings there and maybe get closure I’m not sure. Long story short, some stuff happened (not sex) and I didn’t want to do anything. I said no a lot and he kept saying things like ‘I’ve come all this way to see you’ ‘come on, no one will know’ etc and as soon as it was done it was like he just wanted me to leave. I felt so used and disgusted at myself so I didn’t say a thing to anyone. What I can’t get my head round is that even though now looking back I can see he was just using me, when he messaged about a year after I continued to reply for a bit and I don’t know why. I’m so angry at myself.
anyway, after the guilt was eating me up and with our wedding approaching I recently told my partner what happened all those years ago. I think I thought I could keep it a secret as I knew how much it would hurt him and all the advice online was to say nothing. It’s been awful and he’s very hurt however he’s also saying that if I didn’t want to do the act and he was forceful then it’s sexual assault - is this true? I guess I’ve also blamed myself fully for all of it and I know I am to blame a lot. However, I didn’t tell him about responding to this guys messages afterwards and I feel like if he knew that he wouldn’t be going down the sexual assault line. Should I tell him about the messages afterwards or am I making things worse/hurting him even more? I just feel like with the wedding coming up I don’t deserve his forgiveness, I’m just a bit lost and feeling very alone. I regret my past so much

What you’ve described is assault which can be very distressing to acknowledge and can lead to things like continuing to be in contact with the perpetrator because acknowledging what happened can be so challenging. Normalising it by remaining in contact can be a trauma response. Be kind to yourself

Ok. 1) yes, being coerced into (what I assume is oral / hand) is sexual assault. Fiancee is right there.

HOWEVER
if he wants to act on this you are going to HAVE to tell him about the continued contact aa your ex will likely use that as ‘but she kept in contact’. Not necessarily a good defence but still.

I think you’re stressing over planning the wedding and it’s coming out in this guilt - either that or you are subconsciously self sabotaging for some reason, and only you can know why that might be.

Personally I would tell him you want to put it behind you and move on with your life together. Maybe get some counselling to help you deal with your feelings of guilt / trauma (which can be difficult to tell apart).

If you do tell your fiance about the continued contact, even though it was 8 years ago, only you know how he will react. You need to be prepared for him to do 3 things - forgive, walk or stay and hold it over you for the rest of your marriage.

Sending a hug.

Also, we all have things we regret in our past like getting in touch with old flames. That was a long time ago and your relationship was in a different place than it is now. It’s easy to reflect on early stages of a relationship with the lenses of the same level of commitment you have now but that’s not accurate. The standards lots of people have for acceptable and appropriate behaviour at the start of a relationship vs 10 years in can be very different (you wouldn’t owe someone great loyalty after a few dates).

I’m talking about these as two completely separate things btw - the guilt of getting in touch with an ex at the start of a relationship and the victim guilt following assault (be kind to yourself stands for both and maybe consider getting some counselling for dealing with the trauma too - EMDR therapy can be very helpful).

Hi darling

You need to find a way to move on.

Yes it was assault as he coerced you, it's quite common that rape victims don't realise what's happened and try to convince themselves it was ok. Have you seen baby reindeer when he goes back and has a cup of tea and makes friends with the guy all over again?

You could call a rape crisis helpline to talk your feelings through. In my view It's very unlikely reporting him the police would be helpful at this stage and would probably bring more stress to your door, but you have the right to report it if you think it would help you.

Stop letting this nasty man ruin your wedding. Your fiance has forgiven you, you would forgive him if something similar happened I'm sure, this is all years ago. Focus on your new life and your future. You deserve love and happiness.

You didn’t do anything wrong.
As others have said it is assault and we often don’t act “rationally” when these things happen to us.
Please be kind to yourself and seek some good quality counselling x

I'll put my hard hat on here and ask was he forceful, or did he 'persuade' you to do something you knew you shouldn't really be doing? Did you agree to go somewhere so that this could happen, a hotel room, perhaps? You should be aware that your partner's desire to say that this was sexual assault will be very strong, as it absolves you of any 'blame' and means he doesn't have to find a way to forgive an 'infidelity'. I'm not sure how to determine whether the 'pressure' applied (verbally?) amounts to sexual assault, but seeking expert advice could perhaps help you to work through what happened; but just be aware of your partner's motivation (understandable) for wanting it to be sexual assault.

This was assault if you said no and he forced you to do something you didn’t want to do full stop.

Its up to you if you want to take it further but I would recommend putting all your cards on the table with your fiancé because it’s clear you’re taking your impending marriage vows very seriously and don’t want any secrets that may come out in the future and potentially ruin your marriage.

If your fiancé has seen this for what it is, he will hopefully see the continued communication for what it is too

Thank you for all your replies, it means a lot. I don’t know why I can’t seem to move on from this, I just have so much hate for myself about it whether it’s sexual assault or not. Before I was obsessing about telling him about the actual incident and now I’ve done that I’m now fixating on the messages afterwards. I don’t know if there is an element of self sabotage like you mentioned @MedievalNun i don’t really understand why I’m doing this although I am very scared of marriage. I guess I just feel like I don’t deserve a lovely man and a lovely life when I’ve done something cruel.

@nietzscheanvibe no I didn’t go anywhere with him, I literally just got in his car as he said he was passing by. but yes that’s very true - he seems set on forgiveness if he believes it’s sexual assault but not otherwise but using the sexual assault reason just feels like a bad excuse, I just want him to forgive me whatever happened but I get that’s hard for him. It feels hard to put a label on what it was so I just feel a bit stuck