Never getting social interaction right

[Brayndrayn]

It’s not been a massive issue for me for a long time really, as I’ve insulated myself with some other weirdo friends/worked in areas with people like me, but I have moved to a small town and my son is in primary school here and I just obviously can’t get it right. I’m now just ignored, with people having judged me a bit odd. Two people have separately said to me over the course of my adult life, ‘the thing I really like about you brayndrayn is that you don’t care what other people think of you’, but I absolutely do care, and I wonder if there are some rules to the game I have missed and will never know and because of that will never ever be able to join in. It makes me so so sad. I’m not autistic, but there are ways in which it is described sometimes that really resonate (loneliness, simply knowing you can’t play the game etc)

I am very similar. It is difficult, but in terms of self esteem, try to look at how you feel about others, rather than investing too much time in how they see you.

As long as you are polite and appropriately friendly in the right situations, there isn't a lot else you can do.

There are people out there who will appreciate you, don't allow thoughtless comments to hold you back.

If you have recently become anxious about it, could you be perimenopausal? The good news about that is that you may well eventually reach a point where you care far less about what others think of you. The way you write doesn't suggest anything glaringly wanting in your communication skills, so maybe joining some clubs and regaining your confidence might help.

Good luck OP.

the thing I really like about you brayndrayn is that you don’t care what other people think of you’,

I get this! I always think “don’t I? What am I doing that’s making people think that!?” I also don’t have an autism diagnosis but I do have it in my family and probably have some traits/possibly could be diagnosed, but to be honest I can’t be bothered.

If you can make friends with other “weirdos” then you can make friends where you are, you just have to find them. I find doing things with people helps - volunteering, work, playing music or whatever, then you have to get on with the thing and not feel under pressure to say the right thing. Meanwhile, ask people about themselves or for advice. The more they talk, the less you have to “get it right”.

But also remember people said they really liked your “not caring” attitude. I know you do care but also if you’re a bit quirky and happy with who you are, people like that and you can run with it. You don’t have to be like everyone else.

Thanks for your kind words, both. In a small town there aren’t any other people to befriend, and it’s this that sharpens the loneliness sometimes. A lot of the time I don’t mind being different, but some weeks I’d really love to chat shit with the school mums. You’re right about doing things with people making social interactions easier - I find I get on really well with people at work, but put me with them in a purely social situation and I can flounder unless I know them really very well.

I find I get on really well with people at work, but put me with them in a purely social situation and I can flounder unless I know them really very well
lThis resonates with me. I've always been better in " structured " situations where it's easier to know the rules of interaction.

Yes, I could have written this too! As I’m walking to school I prepare conversations in my head. Something that I can talk about and ask at least one question on. I try my best to think about eye contact too. I just do a little prep on the way to school so I feel a bit more ready and able. As it’s near the end of term you could ask to check teacher and TA names for end of year presents. You could ask where lost property is. Ask about a school trip. Even if you know the answers, you could use it as an excuse to start a conversation as it wouldn’t seem out a place given you’re new.
I tend to ask about weekends, recommendations of places they’ve been to with the kids, ask them if they’ve been in the office or working at home, do they have a holiday coming up. I try and remember what people have shared, one dad likes a walk on his lunch break if the weather is good, so I can start a conversation now asking if he got out or not and go from there. I would also say I’ve learnt that the huge majority of people do not have any negativity toward someone talking to them so don’t let that stop you.