ED advice needed

[Imaybeoldbutstillrandy]

Been with DH for 6 years - married for 3. Fell in love with the man who lives opposite me. He's 71, I'm 61. He still has his house opposite mine, but spends 90% of his time at mine. Both of us have been married, divorced & widowed so 3rd marriage for both. I love the very bones of him & I know that he loves me.

When we first got together we were 'at it' like bunnie-wonnies. We would spend most of the day in bed having the best sex I've ever had.

Move on 4-5 years. For a variety of reasons (my hip replacement) his triple by-pass op. We didn't have sex for about a year, though would engage in sexual activities - talking about enjoying spending time in bed in the afternoon, caressing, kissing etc.

So, now both of us are so wanting to get back to what we had in the beginning. DH has been prescribed Viagra, but it only gives him a 'semi' not enough for penetrative sex. He's happy to satisfy me in other ways, but I feel guilty as concerned about him.

He's apologising for being a 'crap husband' & suggested that I divorce him & find a 'real man'. I've told him that is not going to happen as he's the man who I love & sex isn't everything. We get on so well, have the same sense of humour, taste in music & most all, I'd rather be with him that anyone else. He's my best friend & supporter. He says same for him.

I've reassured him that I understand how that he must feel inadequate & how that I'm not denigrating his feelings as how he feels is how he feels. But I have no problem with lack of penetrative sex & it's not that important in the overall scheme of things. I've pointed out how much we have in common & how much fun we have outside of the bedroom, as well as how he 'does it for me' with fingers & tongue.

I tell him several times a day that I love the very bones of him & fancy the pants off him. I also keep physical contact up with commenting on his arse when he bends over 'saying nice arse' & giving him a bit of a grope, telling him how much I love him & kissing & cuddling him.

I've also suggested that we have got out of practice since we've both been unwell & haven't been able to engage in sex recently. I've suggested that we take penetrative sex off the menu for now (as don't want to put pressure on) & concentrate on enjoying each other's bodies.

But just now DH took out a Viagra pill saying 'give me an hour's notice' (for those who don't know, it's supposed to work in about an hour). I said that I thought penetrative sex was off the menu for now. He said never off the menu. I'm afraid that he's putting pressure on himself which will only make things worse.

I really don't want another afternoon in bed with him (possibly) not rising to the occasion & then feeling bad & beating himself up for being a 'crap husband'. He is so NOT a crap husband. I'd rather not have sex than put him through that.

Suggestions please.

He needs to get a check up because loads of things can cause ED such as medication and blood pressure. There are quite a few medications he can try and also a pump.

More info here:
https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/sexual-and-reproductive/erectile-dysfunction-impotence#treating-erectile-dysfunction

Thank you for your response MiloMinderbinder925 ·

He's had all check-ups. GP & specialist given Green Light for sex - in fact said would help him with blood pressure. GP prescribed Viagra.

I think, what I'm more looking for is insight into how to manage his expectations & how to deal with him feeling less of a man - which is ridiculous, he's still VERY MUCH a man in my eyes. But I want to reassure him all is OK, not put pressure on him to 'perform', yet acknowledge that his concerns are very real.

I love him so much. It's a bit of a tight-rope & kinda puts me off having sex as I don't want to have to navigate all the issues after it all goes 'wrong' in his eyes & I'm having to reassure him that all is fine with him beating himself up for the rest of the evening.

Easier from my POV not to bother if that makes sense.

Go back to the GP and ask for Cialis. It's better for spontaneous sex as it lasts longer in the system.

I was letting you know the options OP, for example there are several different types of medication if Viagra isn't doing the job.

Has he said he feels less of a man? There isn't anything you can do to control how he feels.

Maybe his heart issues are causing him anxiety.

Viagra is also available in different strengths - is he on the maximum dosage? He seems to be getting at least a partial response, so it's working to an extent.

Yep - try with different doses - I've found that as a regular user it needs slightly more to get a response - also a bit more when I've had alcohol- there are 4 different drugs to choose from so maybe the other ones are more suited to him. In my experience it never works in 1 hour it needs much longer to get into the system.

Poor bloke. He needs to talk.

He's seeing a counsellor for other issues to do with abuse when he was at boarding school. Possibly those could be playing on his mind -though never an issue in the past. But I've encouraged him to have counselling that only started about a year ago. Possibly this has brought up problems. We've gently discussed it & he says no, it's not a factor. I've suggested that he discuss our sexual issues (refuse to use the word 'problem' as its not a 'problem' in my mind) with his counsellor. But I suspect that he won't. He's an ex Club rugby player-in the 1970's/80's when was an amateur game. He played for some well-known clubs & played for England in friendlies as a trial. He did triathlons & was fit as f**k when he was younger. But now has arthritis, heart problems, high blood pressure etc & I know that he's hating getting older & the limitations that becoming more 'mature' bring.

I love him so much.

He's a gentle loving & caring man. He insists on doing the bulk of the cooking, housework etc. If he hears me in the kitchen clearing up, he will call out 'I hope you're not packing/unpacking the dishwasher because that's my job. If I get the ironing board out he will say 'That's my job - step away from the iron'.

@Imaybeoldbutstillrandy : He sounds like a wonderful man but, from what you've written here, no less than you deserve. I don't think you could express your love for him any better. You beautiful people ❤️

@Imaybeoldbutstillrandy : "He's apologising for being a 'crap husband' & suggested that I divorce him & find a 'real man'." This sounds like him feeling - very understandably - very sorry for himself. You're telling him that you can still have satisfying sex even without (or with reduced) penetration, but he's not hearing it. Maybe he's facing his mortality - evidenced in his erectile problems - and it's freaking him out. If I was his friend, I'd buy him a pint, get him talking, and hope he'd get to the point where he said, "I know it doesn't really matter, because she says it doesn't, and I know she loves me." From other advice in this thread, he'll probably 'fix' his ED - but there will come a time when he won't; he's lucky that, with someone like you at his side, he will still have sexual love to look forward to, just not quite in the way he'd wish. I'm sure he'll get there.

(And, in case you need reminding: Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here.)

Best of luck.

It may also be worth having his testosterone levels checked.

If all fails physically, he might want to consider that lesbian couples have very happy sex lives without PIV, and that there are many ways to satisfy a partner and make them feel loved and desired.

Thank you everyone especially Eric1964 because it was helpful to have a man's insight into this.

Yes Eric1964 I think that you are right, he's facing his mortality & also gets frustrated that he can't do things that he used to be able to do. Doctors have stopped him driving (for now) he's hates me having to drive him around & is concerned that his health may stop him from driving for ever, but even if given the go-ahead, his insurance will be exorbitant.

When my father's driving became erratic as a result of Parkinson's I talked to my mother about when he, once again, drove his car into a ditch & had to be dragged out by a local farmer or forced someone to reverse 1/2 mile down the lane because he couldn't reverse even though there was a passing place about 500 yards away from him (I was the car behind the other driver & also had to reverse 1/2 a mile). My mother said to me that she wasn't brave enough to suggest that he stop driving the 2 miles into the village as there are 2 things you don't criticise about a man - one the size of his todger, the other his ability to drive - her words. But she banned him from driving my son around.

I've suggested that DH & me concentrate on enjoying each other's bodies & take penetrative sex off the menu for now. We've bought some 'buzzy toys' & massage oils (as well as lube) from 'Auntie' Ann Summers that arrived today. I've planned that we will spend the weekend chilling, perhaps have a couple (not too many) drinks, close the curtains, turn phones off, have a shower together & see what happens. He can try the buzzy things out on me, we can give each other massages. But, as I say, penetrative sex is off the menu - unless it suddenly becomes a 'dish of the day' of course. 😉

My plan is to take the pressure off completely and, as other's say, you can have sex without it being penetrative sex. In my youth I had experiences with a couple of girls (a story that he likes me to tell him about).

But something I'm NOT going to do is to put the stockings & sexy gear on (which he's suggested) as, seeing that I've made an effort, I feel that puts too much pressure on him to 'perform'. I want to keep it low-key & remind him how much I love & fancy him.

Wish us luck

Thank you StripyShirt something that I will gently suggest to him.

Trauma from abuse can resurface decades later, and this is extremely likely if he is currently talking to a counsellor about it.

He's told his counsellor the whole of it.

I'm a qualified counsellor & invite him to discuss what ever he wants to afterwards. But I remind hm that I'm his wife, not his counsellor & that is a totally different relationship. I'm there to hug him while he cries, when he wakes up screaming etc. I'm not his counsellor, but am happy to just listen while he talks. But he mustn't get upset or angry with me if I get upset & cry, if I say 'fucking bastard you were 9 for fuck's sake!' I'm allowed to get angry for him because I'm his wife.

I'm also having counselling (again paid for by the school) & my counsellor says I'm totally justified to get angry & it's ok for me to express that to DH.

I have <gently> suggested that the counselling & bringing to the fore the abuse may be an issue with him that is affecting his sexual responses & that he might want to discuss this with his counsellor. That's up to him.

His counsellor is being paid for by his boarding school. - he has unlimited sessions, they're willing to pay for as many as he needs. I suspect that they're willing to do anything rather than he go to the press (which he threatened to do) as is a well-known, highly regarded school & they don't want the publicity.

We're going to the annual 'Old Boy's' reunion in September - always discussions about the abuse that went on & that the safeguarding person is available for old boys to talk to before the old boy's AGM & then we go into a church service. Makes me feel rather sick, frankly I'd rather they blew the whole story. But that would 'out' all these men in their 70's potentially driving a coach & horses though their lives.

Frankly, as a state educated person I don't understand & feel so lucky.

Just a thought I've reported this thread as may need a trigger warning.

As I've said, @Imaybeoldbutstillrandy , he's lucky to have such a partner, though it does sound as if he appreciates you.

Eric1964 Thank you - I love the very bones of him. I hope that you are in a similar loving relationship XX

Up-date.

We had a lovely weekend. spent loads of time having fun in bed, on the sofa, the shower & even the kitchen 😉🤐

Took dog out for a cool walk in the woods, parked up & had a bit of a heavy petting session in a layby that I knew of from my teenaged years.

'Auntie' Ann's toys came in very handy & DH says he feels encouraged that he can satisfy me in in other ways & turned him on.

I've got work for next 4 days so no day-time sex &, frankly, we both too knackered for evening/night time sexual activities. But we're much closer, cuddling up in bed (until one of us starts to snore, then we turn away from each other 😂) generally cuddling & having the odd snog just because.

I think that everything will be OK even if we never have penetrative sex again.

But I never doubted it because we love each other so very much & that's what's important. DH;s GC comment about how we hold hands & are so affectionate & say to me 'you love my Gramps don't you?' I answer 'I love the very bones of your Gramps and always will'.

Awww. Lovely update OP.

Lovely update ♥️

It's so nice to see something this positive; a loving couple who help each other through a difficult situation and are looking forward to their lives together.

Thank you for your support. Yes, I not only love him, I'm in love with him & fancy the pants off him - my gorgeous 'silver fox'. 😍

Just got home from work - DH, given the choice, would take me to bed right now. However I have to work tomorrow as well & don't feel in the least bit horny as I have a rather stressful job working with the most vulnerable people in society who have complex needs & often display challenging behaviour.

I've suggested, as Saturday is forecast to be rainy, that we can't mow lawn, clean cars etc, & we don't bother about getting dressed. Him, me & a 'buzzy friend' will spend the day together - see where things go - no pressure as always.

We have the GC on Sunday pm (both parents work in NHS & have to work) & we can get them to help clean the cars while DH mows lawns - providing it's not raining then as well, but forecast is good for Sunday pm.

Has he not tried Cialis? Much more flexible and effective than Viagra.