Dating on dating apps advice

[Sweetlove23]

So after coming out of a long term relationship last year and a bad experience, after a break I decided to dip my toe into online dating.

Now whilst on apps and even if it moves over to phone, I’m cool if I get ghosted because we’ve not met. I’m even ok if it date 1 or 2 but I’m now on date 4 (furthest I’ve got to) with someone who is saying and doing all the right things like not here to-play games, don’t want to mess around, I’m here to stay, planning good dates, consistent, but my anxiety because of the way I’ve been treated before has kicked in because of a few things. The chat has never been sexual until this week, where it wasn’t so much sexual but had the undertone if you know what I mean, he’s also not explicitly said it but I get the feeling he wants to stop at mine on our next date and I’m not sure if I want to. I mean I’d like to sleep with him but I’m not sure if I should wait, part of me is wait a few more weeks and test if he’s prepared to wait, but the other is like just get it done as if he’s into me as he seems to be on the surface, it won’t matter if I wait or not.
however today I checked his profile and his location has changed to where he works which means he’s on the app. Now it wouldn’t bother me only he told me he wasn’t talking to anyone else now as felt such a connection with me but I had a gut feeling so checked the app. It could be completely innocent.

I suppose my questions are - do I sleep with him and see if he sticks around and after maybe have the exclusivity talk? Or do I make him wait and then have exclusivity talk? How long should I wait to have it?

I’ve never done OLD before. It’s different now because I have a child, responsibility compared to when I was younger, I got into a relationship quite quickly and spent a lot of time with them. I’m guessing I’m not sure how to navigate this. But also don’t want to get too invested over a long time and waste my time, I’d rather be up front and honest but not seem to eager and walk away if it’s not for me.

Don't lower your standards. Be honest and straightforward about wanting a relationship. The only reason a guy wouldn't like that is because they are not ready for a committed relationship and more interested in sex. If he doesn't want the same thing then move on.

His location changing doesn’t mean he’s using the app right now, it’s how he set his profile up at start

Location moved regardless of if you’re logged in or not.

Keep your personal boundaries strong. If you only want sex once you’re exclusive, tell him that and be clear. Dont drop your standards to please a man.

@TwistedWonder i checked his profile before when I knew he was at work at it said his home location. I checked it 2 hours later and it says his work location.

so how do you think I should put this across, I don’t want to be sleeping with other people and if you want to sleep with me, I’d expect you to do the same.

But it changes when you move around even when you’re not logged in.

I was on holiday in Greece and it changed my location despite me not logging in. The guy I was chatting to at the time showed me my location - I hadn’t used the app in weeks at that point. It depends on if you enable travel mode or not. It doesn’t mean someone is active on the app, just how they have their settings enabled.

He may be logged in but his location isn’t a reason to get paranoid

After 4 dates you barely know someone. You're just dating and getting to know each other. Do you want to have sex with him? Do you want him to stay over at yours? Why are you guessing at his intentions?

If you like him and think that you want to see him longer term then you need to be clear about what you are looking for both with him and yourself. Have you said to him that you are looking for a long-term relationship? What is he looking for?

If you are just looking for casual fun, then none of this matters, but if you are looking at an exclusive long-term relationship, which it sounds as though you are, then it really helps to be absolutely clear about what that involves. If he is remotely put off by a conversation that covers those points, then he is not the man for you. I firmly believe (after years of experience) with OLD you need to be so clear up front. It saves so much time and emotional investment.

And I agree that being upfront about what you are looking for is key. Tell him straight you only want an exclusive relationship.

If he has a problem with that then he’s not the right one.

@MargoLivebetter we’ve both said we aren’t here to mess around and play games which suggests to me we both want something long term. But maybe like you say, I should say that’s what I’m looking for on our next date. But I feels weird now as we’ve kind of said it without saying it. I’ve told him I can’t do casual.

yes I would like to sleep with him. I normally rush into these things way too fast which is why I think I want to hold back but you hear these stories of guys who don’t sleep with someone for months and then ghost them after saying they want the same things. I guess I’m thinking now, have the talk, sleep with him and see as I’d rather not leave it and more invested. I’d rather know now and move on.

Maybe he had opened the app to check your location, and is now wringing his hands as yours has moved too!

Honestly though, if at date 4 you're already feeling anxious enough to 'check up' on him, I'd say this isn't the right man for you.

I’d just say if he hints about staying at yours that you would only be interested in taking things further if you were exclusive with someone so if he’s on the same page you’ll be open to seeing what happens if the moment is right (no promises). If he’s still actively chatting to others then you’re happy to keep dating casually (and you will see other men too) until you feel ready to commit to him or someone else exclusively. Be clear that the lack of exclusivity goes both ways!

@Hardlyworking i checked whilst I was at home so my location won’t have changed but you could be right.

I have anxious attachment so tbh, I would be like it with any man I liked. I manage it pretty well now and refrain from chasing and can talk myself out of my thoughts most of the time. But maybe I need to be honest with him and be prepared to walk away or get ghosted if he doesn’t get it.

Essentially if he’s going to ghost you after sex it doesn’t matter how long you make him wait. If its all about the conquest for him then he’ll persevere until he gets what he wants. Making him wait to test him just means YOU get more emotionally attached so the ghosting hurts more, so if you want sex, have it. As long as you’re safe it doesn’t matter what happens afterwards, you’ve either had a (hopefully) fun afternoon/evening/night and mived on or you’ve has the first of many lovely afternoons/evenings with your new partner!

@SnowflakeSmasher86 this is the general advice but then others have said I’d be lowering my standards but am I causing myself more pain by waiting. Only thing is, we’re only 2 weeks in and date 5 is coming up which have all been amazing with no reference to sex. So also is it too soon?

he may not even mention this on Saturday and so I’m worrying over nothing. I do get invested quickly though so thinking better earlier and then you don’t get as hurt and can move on.

You should always take your time to have sex.

But your mindset should be "I make him wait because I am very busy vetting and getting to know him deeply until I know he is worth taking the risk" (there's always a risk).

If your mindset is "I make him wait because I don't know what to do, what I want and if it is the right time", you can make him wait 3 weeks or 3 months, it is not going to help much.

And 5 dates in 2 weeks, it's too much. I thought you were already in a month or two in. Suddenly seeing someone so frequently creates a false sense of intimacy, but it's not true.

I would definitely not see him for the next week or two due to unforeseen circumstances, just so you can regroup at your pace, and check whether he maintains his level of interest.

Like PP’s have said your location settings depend on whether you set up ‘always on’ or ‘only when using the app’ at the start. If it’s the first then of course it’ll move whether or not he opens the app. If it’s the latter he’s been on the app. But you have too! How do you know he’s not doing the same as you? If you’re not exclusive and haven’t slept together he has every right to be on there. As have you.

I think there’s a risk your overthinking will self sabotage this and you’ve still no idea whether he’s going to ghost you after sleeping together. Realistically no one is going to have the exclusivity chat before having sex. You could be incompatible.

You’ve seen him 4 times so decide what you want next and talk to him about it. It’s definitely not too soon to have sex, but only if that’s what you want. And use protection if you do.

@FutureCatMum i don’t think I want to have the exclusivity talk before sex tbh. I do want to sleep with him and I just don’t see the point in waiting as if he’s going to do that he will anyway. So if he initiates it I’ll go with it and then see what happens. If he does that then he wasn’t for me anyway. And I also agree about sexual compatibility.

and I know what you’re saying about the app, I have no right and would never bring it up with him. I just think it’s because of what he said. I mean like i say, he does everything a person who’s into you would do. This is like the only thing that’s made me concerned and triggered my anxiety before this I had no doubt he was into me.

If YOU want to sleep with him, sleep with him.

Stop worrying about what he wants and what he might think or do and start to value yourself a little bit more. Stop worrying about if he will like you and commit to you and start worrying about if you like him and what he can bring to your table!

Ultimately, all you can do is act with honesty and integrity and hope he’s genuine. If he’s not then that’s not on you, that’s squarely on him. But don’t feel pressured into having sex with him to try and suss out if that’s all he wants from you!

If you want to sleep with him - and you’re not bothered about him seeing other women or the relationship continuing - then why not? You’ve said he clearly wants you. So it’s really about how bothered you are if he’s not really that serious about more.

Do you actually want to be exclusive with him?

This isn't so much about the sex, but more about is this someone you want to be in a long term relationship with. If he does tick your boxes and you do have a connection then tell him you want to be exclusive.

I am pretty chill about sex but it's undeniably connection forming where you like someone. You might end up getting hurt if you arent upfront about you want now.

Is he the right person for you if you are checking up on him already?!? He has every right to use the app the same as you do, what does it matter if he using the app, you need to have the boundaries talk with him before you start having sex with him, make it light hearted and say you don’t do double dipping and if he does that’s his prerogative but your prefer if he up front and honest, however if he chooses not to tell you, than that’s his choice and has every right to keep it to himself!

perhaps you’re overthinking this whole situation, the key here is communication, you need to be able to communicate with him above everything else

Sounds like the dating is going well so far. Two weeks and coming up to date number 5 would indicate he's pretty interested in getting to know you better. Personally I wouldn't be having him stay over at your house just yet as you have a child at home. Maybe arrange a night in a hotel if possible

@MrsRaspberry i wouldn’t have him stop when my child is at home, i have shared custody with my ex. But yes I think he is keen and maybe I am overthinking everything

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The way I frame it for myself is… 90% of men will usually have sex and then disappear. So just accept that and have sex if YOU want it, accept that is probably all it will be and if it goes further then bonus.
The problem is when women don’t realise that and then get hurt. But if you enjoy the sex for its own sake then you are likely to brush it off and move on easier.

I understand why you are cautious but I think you need a psychological reset. Having sex will move the relationship along and it might go well, it might go badly. It is part of getting to know one another. You might decide afterward that, actually, it wasn't what you hoped - and so might he.

If you don't trust him, don't have sex with him. I had sex with my husband on the first date thinking it would be a one night stand but we got married and had two kids! You never can predict how things will turn out.

But psychologically, you should not imagine yourself as the one who has to "keep" him or win him, or pin him down. You are the prize and it is up to him to win you! It is a two way street . . . just keep an open mind and sleep with him if you feel sure you can handle it if it doesn't progress afterward - because it might not. There are no guarantees. Making yourself vulnerable is scary but might be worth it! Good luck OP x

@BennyBee thanks for your insight. I guess I’m not confused that he likes me as it’s pretty obvious but it’s more my own internal system becoming anxious because of how I’ve been treated in the past. Manipulated, gaslighted with constant push/pull dynamics. This past trauma doesn’t help my logical thinking sometimes, I look for everything that could go wrong as opposed to enjoying what it is and seeing what is in front of me. I definitely want to sleep with him. And I know in the moment I will enjoy it (unless we aren’t sexually compatible) but it will be after my mind will go on overdrive. He has no idea I’m like this as I manage it pretty well on the forefront. I’m calm but have said I don’t want to mess around and I don’t do casual so I’ve said what I want.

Good luck - if you want to sleep with him, do it. But try to avoid the anxiety afterward. It sounds like you are pretty self aware and know how you self-sabotage, so keep reminding yourself that everything will be fine, however it works out. Enjoy yourself!