How to deal with needy colleague?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

A colleague has become very dependent on me, both emotionally and practically, at work and I'm starting to find it overwhelmingly stifling. How do I withdraw without damaging his mental health?

Situation is that our workplace is pretty toxic at the moment. Both of us have at various times been picked on by bosses and have found some solidarity in this. I'm pretty thick skinned and I will let off steam about it short term but generally am OK at cracking on.

My colleague, who is junior to me but fairly senior within the firm, has started wanting tons of emotional support from me about how to deal with this. He calls on Teams multiple times a day without warning (usually when I'm already on calls, and won't take no for an answer). He emails me on very thin pretexts demanding an urgent response. Or he wants to go for multiple coffees per week, asking for help in dealing with the bosses' most recent unreasonable behaviour.

He has now started asking me to join him at events outside work and to talk about how important our friendship is: I've said no to all of them so far saying I'm busy with work and my DD and don't have much time (which is true). He accepted this for the first two or three but recently he invited me to an evening event, I politely declined at which point he became tearful and said I never made time for him so I then to spend time reassuring him. He's gay so he's definitely not interested in me romantically (and I'm in a settled LTR which he is aware of and he's met my partner) but has come to see me as his emotional support and I just don't want this. I don't dislike him but I find his demands very draining, we're not friends in any meaningful sense of the word and I just don't have time or bandwidth for this sort of entanglement at the moment.

I know I need to draw up some boundaries here and was hoping I would be able to do this by just grey-rocking him outside of work-related stuff but it's clear that I'm going to have to spell this out in some way. I don't want to hurt him and I think his mental health is pretty fragile and he probably needs professional help. He's also mildly autistic and really struggles with communication so I'm worried both about hurting him and also about failing to communicate clearly. I also don't want to leave myself exposed to any accusations or bullying or poor management.

What's the best way to politely say to him that I can't provide him the support he needs?

I think it would be better to show not tell. I wouldn’t be dialling out of Teams calls to accept his calls or meeting for multiple coffees a day. It sounds like he is struggling and perhaps not great at reading between the lines so he will continue to lean on you until it’s clear to him that you cannot be such an openly available source of support for him. It might also be good to signpost him to his LM or other support systems available to him.

He sounds like a toddler. Stand firm and establish some boundaries. Teams calls, always decline, emails, don’t respond for a few days, invites for events, thanks but sorry I can’t.

If he's autistic he's probably going to appreciate you being clear with him rather than vague attempts at putting a message across. You could always tell him clearly that you deeply value him as a colleague/enjoy working with him or whatever niceties you want to tell him to buffer it, but when he does x, y, z (give his behaviours as examples), it makes you feel x, y, z (overwhelmed as you need to care for your family, or whatever you wish to convey), and that you need him to stop and then signpost him to some other places he might be able to get support from. Sorry it's an awkward situation.

Wow he is manipulative. Reason I am saying that is due to you putting down boundaries and he starts sobbing. That is manipulation. He does not sound healthy at all. And he can also see that you are willing and ready to take him on with regards to both work and calls on demand. If he was alright within himself he would never impose himself on you like that.

I get the toxic workplace environment. I have been in one, and it was awful. I left the job in the end.

Understand why this is having a monumental impact on you. Tell him due to burnout you are unable to be as active with his demands, that you are overwhelmed and do not go into explaining anything to him, you do not own him or anyone that talk. Its work, not marriage. You have shown kindness and now its time for the colleague to fly the nest.

Autistic or not, boundaries and again boundaries.

What do you mean when you say that he won't take no for an answer when you are already on a Teams call? You definitely need to speak to him about him interrupting your calls/meetings and to tell him that it is completely inappropriate.

Do you have any Workplace Wellbeing policies/initiatives where you work? What about Occupational Health or HR? He obviously isn't coping and needs to seek help, but he can't just rely on you.

“I am not a qualified counsellor or adviser for your situation. You should find someone who is qualified for this to get the right support.”

”I must focus on my own work during the day and cannot just drop that to speak to you. Please respect that.”

” I can’t attend social events with you outside of work time. I have told you this before. Please stop asking me.”

You do not have to fix his problems

Thanks all, this is really helpful:

@thepariscrimefiles so for example he'll call on Teams when I'm on a call. I'll message him to say sorry x can't speak now, I'll pick up later. He'll try again 30 minutes later and 30 minutes and so forth until I eventually get worn down enough to answer. Each time he'll be apologetic to the point of being obsequious but he keeps doing it. I've put my Teams onto do not disturb and he will just override it.

@TheAvidWriter I get that his behaviour seems manipulative but I genuinely don't think this is his intention. He's an incredibly soft-hearted and compassionate person and feels things very deeply. He's had quite a lot of tragedy in his life which I don't think he's properly processed (and he's prone to over-sharing about this at work) and he is also neurodiverse so I think he really struggles to make human connections without scaring people off or just being weird. I don't mind the weirdness but I just find the intensity really stifling: I really barely know him, I don't have time for my closest friends as it is and I don't have space for this guy and his issues.

@Rainbowshine I may have to do this. I've been trying to avoid it, partly because I don't want to hurt him but also because I don't want to create HR repercussions. But it's got to the point where it needs to be done.

Be direct - you need more support than I can give you.

Does your company have an employee assistance programme you could signpost him to?

Honestly, he doesn't sound well enough to be at work. He is anxious and overwhelmed and is unable to cope with his toxic work environment. I would advise him to speak to his GP and hopefully he can get signed off. They could also recommend some therapy or counselling.