What you’re feeling is completely normal. You’re not weak or pathetic, you’ve been deeply hurt by someone you trusted. This is a trauma response; your nervous system is reacting to betrayal.
It’s brilliant that you acted so decisive, well done. But it was a shock you didn’t see coming, and because he left quickly, you didn’t get proper closure.
Staying in contact is keeping the wound open. You knew he broke your boundaries, but ongoing contact is making it harder to stick to them. Deep down, you know you made the right decision, but the shock, lack of time to process, and continued contact are making it hard to find peace. If you had blocked him, you wouldn’t be aware of his holiday or what he’s doing which only makes you feel left behind and anxious. But the truth is, you left him behind.
Take care of yourself. Try deep breathing (4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold). If possible, go for short walks or do some gentle stretching, movement helps. If you’re feeling panicky, splash cold water on your face or hold something cold. Eat small, easy meals (toast, yoghurt, smoothies) and stay hydrated.
Can you journal instead of messaging him? Writing might help you process things. If it’s possible, consider counselling or speak to your GP about support.
You need to cut contact. If that feels impossible right now, at least take a step back. Who’s initiating most of the contact, you or him?
Even if you love him, you need space to think clearly, whether to come to terms with your decision or, if you choose to reconcile, to do it on your terms. But it sounds like he left easily, and if he was already on dating apps, maybe part of your pain is realising he wasn’t as committed as you were.
Be kind to yourself. 🩵