Gutted

[Yannb]

Hi. I'm new here. Not sure if i can post here or not.
Don't really know why im posting this.
This morning at 2am I discovered my partner of 23 years had been cheating with one of her friends.its been going on for a couple of months.
I new something was off, and last week I asked her straight out if something was going on. She denied it and said she's always been faithful. We've had our ups and downs but I would never of believed this would happen.
I feel so lost. She's the only one I've loved or wanted. So I guess what I really want to know is what the he'll do I do now ? I'm sat here in a daze not really sure what's happening.

I feel for you I really do, I'm in a similar situation I found 4 weeks ago out my partner of 7 years had a dating profile and was messaging a woman. I am head over heels in love with him, still now. I feel broken and lost and my head is so full of allsorts 24/7 x

Sorry to hear that. At the moment I just keep thinking was it my fault. Am I that bad ???? Did I do something wrong ????
I just don't know.

I'm exactly the same @Yannb🥲

You need to have a conversation with her and find out how she feels and if she's cheated before. Does she want to stay with you or leave for him? That will give you a better idea of where you stand.

I would get advice pending separation and check out the surviving infidelity website for support.

Thanks.
She swears it's never happened before. She's already told him she can't see him or contact himany more. But right now I don't know what to think.

So sorry OP. How did you find out? Do you think you have the full story?

You don’t need to (and shouldn’t) make any final decisions now while you are still in shock. But I would ask for space to process your feelings. If you are in constant contact you won’t be able to make a balanced decision on whether you want to put the work in to try to rebuild.

It also gives her space to decide what she wants. Right now she’s in panic mode but if any part of her thinks she wants to be with him over your relationship, then it’s better she does it now than in the future after you have already put work into forgiving her. It also lets her know this is a red line for you and your forgiveness isn’t automatic.

I saw a message come up on her phone. I wasn't trying to snoop, but after that I had to look. Only scaned through quickly but I got the general outline of what was going on. Then she admitted it straight out.

Say you're going to need to need some time to process and take it. Try not to get stuck on the details, agree to talk about them once where you get to ask any questions you might have and then draw a line under it, nothing good will come of going over and over the detail.

It's utterly shit as your agency has been removed, this is not what you wanted, but it's what you've got and you need to accept it and deal with it and decide if you're both willing and able to put in the work to stay together and redefine the relationship in the 'post" era, or you are not and you will call it quits. There is no easy option out of the two unfortunately, hard both ways. It's shit but you aren't the first and you won't be the last, you're not on your own.

You're in shock, so it'll be difficult to know what you want. You may suddenly become adamant you want out and that's fine even though it'll be really hard to begin with.

Do what's best for you. How do you see your life without her? Can you envisage it?

So sorry. It's an emotional roller coaster

Thanks.
I haven't thought of life without her before. It feels kind of scary. At the moment im all over the place emotionally. Will take some time to settle and work it out.

Well I've spoken to her earlier on. But I don't know how truthful she is being. I asked her earlier to see the messages in full and she agreed. But when we met she had deleted them all as she 'couldn't stand to see them'. She claims it wasn't serious and hadn't been going on for long, but the impression I got from my quick scan was it has been some months. Don't really know what to think now. Deep joy !

@Yannb she is now trying to minimise and control you knowing the full truth. That is not ok. What she has done by deleting those messages is really damaging. Asking her to write a timeline might be helpful to help fill those questions you have that the messages would have answered.

You’re in shock right now and desperately trying to hold onto your ‘normal’ this is absolutely natural but your feelings might change over the coming few weeks and months. The best thing you can do right now is not commit to anything. And watch and wait. Cheats are entirely unreliable when they’ve just been found out and will continue to lie and sneak around. So you can’t trust her actions or words right now.

Right now put you first. Eat well, hydrate, exercise, get STI tests and seek legal advice, you need to get full control over your life back as cheating removes your personal agency.

Get yourself on surviving infidelity website. It’s a site offering support and it was a god send to me in the dark days of discovery. Their ‘just found out’ forum is excellent and a good place to start. You will get good, honest, knowledgeable advice there.

She’s lying. It’s over, isn’t it, when someone breaks your trust that deeply. I’m so sorry.

i know it’s hard, but your life will probably be a lot better without someone lying to you like this. Bin her, clean break, and find out what your life can be - might be better

She’s being selfish and probably lying. I’m sorry she didn’t want to see the messages but guess what — it’s not all about her!

She knew you needed to know the truth and she took that away from you. I would tell her that was a huge mistake as now you will have to assume that worst things possible were said in those messages and she has no way of proving an alternative view.

You could have moved forward with genuine remorse but she’s still minimising her behaviour and hiding details so she is not a good candidate for reconciliation

I have to go and see my daughter later on so I will will talk to my cheaty pants partner after that. She does seem to be showing genuine remorse for causing me pain and upset, but I don't think I will be getting the whole truth for a while. If at all.
And without full disclosure there's no way forward.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. If she’s on WhatsApp it’s possible to restore messages if it’s backed up. Would you consider speaking to the person she’s cheating on you with? Do you know if they’re married? I would ask her on the spot for open access to her phone so you can see Google history - maps location etc, plus her email (including deleted folder) banking details etc. to try and build a picture.

This. Full transparency and access to everything or it’s over. She has to restore the messages or get her AP to send her screenshots. If you don’t know what she has done you can’t choose to forgive it. And you are not going to forgive half truths and excuses. Genuine remorse would include empathy for how you must feel and what you need to feel safe in the relationship. What she is feeling is guilt and sadness that her actions have impacted her life negatively. Those are two different things

I didn't realise WhatsApp message could be recovered. I have to go to the house tomorrow evening so I will tell her that's what im going to try and do. I suspect she will start squiring rather uncomfortably.
Ive already had access to everything else. It's only the deleted messages I havent seen.
I don't know the other person. Ive never met him and can't find any info on him. Ive seen one group photo he was in but nothing else.

I know he is separated from his wife but still lives in the same house. Apparently neither can afford to move out untill the house is sold.

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That old chestnut.

Hang on, how come you’ve moved out? Surely your cheating wife she be facing the consequences of her actions and leaving the home?

She did initaly say she was going to go and stay with her mother. But I didn't really want to be at the house at that point. Ive told her if I feel that I want to go back and stay in the house she has to leave. I want to be there for the kids. I go there whenever I want or if the kids need me, but I don't want to be there all the time yet.

Yeah. They have separated for quite some time allegedly and are finalising the divoce, but as far as I know the house isn't for sale. Turns out the other man lives right by one of my very good friends.