Gambling

[Bernie9090]

Hi

Just found out my husband has been gambling and spent altogether over £14000 over 2 years including one month of £1600. We have 5 children oldest 23 youngest 15, been together 27 years.

Obviously in a bit of a state of shock and just wondered if anyone has been through something similar? He earns around £40000 and me around £30000 but I work alot more hours than him.

Have been through alot personally including harrassment and sexual harrassment in old job which he blames for the gambling.

I think it's the betrayal and the lies whilst I was out working he was spending our money, i didn't have online banking so wasn't aware of anything just trusted him. Phoned the bank today and he was shocked and even said that this was domestic abuse and maybe get some legal advice.

But I need the advice from other people who have been in similar situations, been together for 30 years and starting again seems crazy.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

Hold on, he said it was domestic abuse? You mean he was shifting the focus on to you doing something wrong? And the harassment and sexual harassment,was he the victim or alleged perpetrator?

Typical gambler, trying to blame you for his problems. I know because I've been there and done it myself.

If you want to work on this and move forward, he has to give full financial control over to you. That's what I have eventually done. Otherwise if he has any financial control he will continue to gamble.

The only way he will stop gambling is if he has no access to the cash to do it.

Hi sorry if not clear I never had access to the bank account just my wages was paid into account and he throught it was a very grey area. The sexual harrassment was against me and had a massive effect on me and blames the gambling on the seeing me going through such ordeal.

Honestly. He gambles because he's an addict. It has nothing to do with what you have been through. He, like myself in the past will just latch on to any excuse to try and suggest it's not his fault.

Unless you can have full access to the family finances you will never again trust what he is doing.

I swore you were my partner as I just confessed to losing 14k myself

I lost our house in the process and now she left me. Lost my family .

Refer him to National gambling clinic before it's too late and you can also get support for people who deal with partners who have addiction.

He may have shame but if he doesn't show it , believe me ,your support would mean a lot and if he can hand over managing finances to you .

I have full access to accounts now, and can see how me being so trusting has let him get away with it for so long. But how can you forgive someone spending more in a day on betting than you earn whilst at work?

Unfortunately I can't tell you that. And I'll be honest the chances of relapsing are usually quite high.

For myself I had to reach rock bottom and realise I was about to lose everything before I did something about it. Even there there were still times of relapse. Sadly gambling addiction is a disease and in the current world we live in it is shoved down everyone's throats.

I would also suggest you get a copy of his credit report as it will show all credit cards, loans and overdrafts etc. if he really wants to change he will happily give you all this. If he doesn't want to give you this info it's because deep down he still wants the opportunity to gamble.

The hardest part for yourself now is to accept that the money is gone. If you want to draw a line under it and work on things that is great but you truly do have to draw the line under it as those moments of guilt he will constantly feel will be what's driving him to believe maybe just £500 more and he can win it all back and things will go back to normal.

The person at the bank is right, I’d focus on leaving him and then report it if he’s not fair.

Not having control of your own finances can often be down to financial abuse which comes under the term coercive control.

For me, there’s 3 things:
First, it’s an addiction so it’s going to be hard to break, he’s going to need to really want to quit and get help with it.
Then on the relationship side- it’s going to take a while to get the trust back, and to get rid of the resentment about what’s been lost.
Finally, you’ve got to protect yourself. It’s going to make for some difficult conversations but I think you need to make sure your finances are disentangled. No joint cards or accounts, house and mortgage, bills, all in your name. Unfortunately you’ve got to think about worst case scenario if he relapses, which could end up with you losing assets or being liable for debts . Get him to transfer money to you each month leaving him enough for his personal expenses only.
Yes, it’s a big ‘ouch’ for him to swallow. But this was going on for 2 years with you knowing nothing, it is addictive, you need to protect yourself and the kids.

That’s such a tough spot. Something like this really shakes trust. I once tried PGLUCKY88 - their easy-to-win slot games were straightforward and fun, and it made me realize how easy it is to spend without noticing if you’re not careful.

Maybe start by setting clear boundaries, getting support, and understanding the patterns.

Pathological gambling can and does have catastrophic outcomes for people and their families. It is progressive and gets worse unless the gambler takes significant actions. You are at a serious financial risk being married to one and you need to take actions.

But you can get through this if you and him really want to but there are essential actions that need to be taken and they aren't pleasant for a couple who are supposed to be in a trusting relationship. Unfortunately, him blaming what you went through as a trigger to his gambling is not a good start.

He needs to recognise this is on him and him alone and he needs to accept it is on him to do what is required. He needs to recognise he has breached your trust and he has to now rebuild it through actions that he might not like. Not platatudes and self pity or blame or minimising what has happened, but actions.

You need to recognise he has seriously hurt you and you are not obligated to try and sort this out and it's not your fault or any reflection on you. But if you do decide to stay and work on it you shouldn't weaponise it or continually use it as a reason to berate him.

The plan is:

1. He must immediately self exclude from all gambling sites and use a blocker on his IT.
2. All money in and out of his account has to be accountable to you. You look at statements every week for the first 6 months. All bill and saving money moved to an account you control on pay day to you and no access to this. Only you.
3. Honesty on all debts and a credit check to make sure he is telling truth. Say if he isn't honest now, however bad it is, then you will be leaving and mean it. One chance to come clean. No more. Have a debt repayment plan if there are debts but no more loans to pay debts.
4. He starts a help programme. There are plenty of options, not just Gamblers Anon. Stays committed to it even when the initial fog has lifted. This is now a life time battle. Relapse can happen years down the line.
5. You join a family support group. This will help with day to day feelings of betrayal and offer practical advice.
6. Don't get any joint credit and makes sure that there is a note on joint assets that they can not be remortgaged or loans secured on them. Don't allow joint asset to be used to consolidate loans to pay debts.

Finally, don't make your whole life about his recovery. Be supportive but this is his problem to solve.

No third chances. If he lies or betrays you again then get out and protect your finances and assets. This addiction unchecked can makes families homeless and adults literally penniless.

Good Luck