When is it time to leave?

[Shiraz88]

First time posting, I’m just looking for some advice. I (37F) have been married to my husband (40M) 9 years, together 11 with 2 children under 7.

The last 3 years haven’t been great, I feel I have lost respect for him due to his laziness and lack of ambition. Our connection, both emotional and physical has disappeared, I believe he still adores me and would do anything to keep us together but more recently his anger and verbal lashes over quite small and trivial things have got me questioning everything. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to turn it around? Once attraction has gone, respect and that “best friend” feeling and it’s replaced with resentment and contempt, is there anyway back? I haven’t given up, but I am losing confidence that we can rescue this.

Sorry to say it but for me - when I lost respect and felt only resentment - there was no going back. It’s been 8 years now, some of that on my own and feeling lonely, but I still have no feelings at all.

Now….

@Bittenoncedid you just walk away from the marriage or was it a one big incident push for you?

I just walked away. Accumulation of years being ground down until there were no positive feelings left at all. But everyone is different, can't really say more without being too outing

I think after 3 years feeling like this, it might just be over- we all have ups and downs but 3 years suggests the problems are real.

Can you give some examples of the anger?

Does he know that you feel like this?

Have you talked to him? How does he feel about the relationship? Relationships don't last without work. You need to work on your communication and resolve issues. I think relationships counselling will help. I also think you'd benifit from individual counselling.

@GaryAvisFanClub hi, yes I have raised it a number of times over the last year and I get some change for a few weeks before it falls back. I could give 10 examples from the last year, any household disagreement (like leaving the ironing out) can end up with him getting defensive and saying something hurtful

That's awful, op, and no way to live. Are you at the stage of making practical plans to leave or still pondering?

yeah well, OP you have raised these issues within your marriage a few times, with no changes.

Ones I lost respect for my exH after him drinking himself to oblivion and ruining holidays and special occasions I knew it was more than time to leave. My ex kept saying he would improve but that never came. In the end he was so verbally brutal and a bully that I packed my childrens things, and left. The best thing I ever did, and the hardest too.

Ask yourself this, are you going to be able to stay in the marriage without change for the next 3 years, and then another 3? Are you able to stay? Mentally that is