Losing my mind!

[Witsend25]

Hi all. It’s been a while since my last post. Long story short, I found out my husband was gambling in Feb. I’ve filed for divorce due to the shock and trauma of it all. Discovering it’s been hidden and I was blamed. Together for 22 years.
Fast forward to now and husband in complete denial. Wanting me to try and he’s begging for forgiveness. It’s not just the gambling, it’s his behaviour and attitude. I’ve been called names such as pathetic and not right in the head… know my place… be grateful for the life he’s provided…shut up etc. He marches off from me in tantrum and has called the children names such as coward, mental - asking if they are they on their period when dealing with conflict (teenage daughter)
Hes blamed my eldest aged 14 for splitting the family up but she hasn’t.
He’s still living in the home and it’s becoming unbearable. He’s thinks I should forgive him and he’s done nothing wrong. Saying he was ill. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t have stayed 22 years but it’s literally broke me.
Hes wanting me to go to couples counselling but I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do. I’ve told him we are still on this path of divorce. He thinks I should give him a chance etc.
Any advice would be appreciated.

The standard advise is never do couple's counselling if you're in an abusive relationship Op and he's been very abusive to you since you found him out. Trying to push the blame on to your 14 yo is pretty shitty behaviour, did they make him gamble or call you mentally ill? He knows he's in the wrong but he's deperately trying to place the blame elsewhere, is that a man who can go on loving and trusting?

He’s an addict in denial, so he’s lashing out and projecting. You can’t reason with him, all you can do is protect yourself. I’m sorry x

Keep up the divorce process and do not be taken in by his attempts at hoovering you back into his dysfunctional world. It’s terrible he’s brought his own child into this too and it’s not her fault either.

I presume he is refusing to leave the marital home.

God he sounds awful. Totally agree in not doing couples counselling with someone who is abusive. Blaming your DD and calling his own DC names is 100% where there’s a line in the sand and no going back from that.

If his gambling didn’t compromise your finances - if he had stopped - then I’d say give him a chance. But his behaviour since means I’d say get rid now, asap.It’s not the behaviour of a nice person.

Morning.
His gambling has caused erratic behaviour for many years. Withdrawals from one account to another. Never in financial difficulty with bills etc but we have gone without as a family (holidays etc)
I only found out about the gambling due to opening two bonus letters which arrived. He failed to tell me but they were for large sums of money. He said it was his money, not mine and nothing to do with me. I’ve sacrificed my career for him to succeed etc but he doesn’t see me as equal.
He says all I’ve ever had to do is turn up!

The name calling has been continuous, not just since the gambling. Tells me to shut up (and the kids) childish behaviour really. I’ve put up with a lot but he says he’s not a bad person. I’ve found the whole thing so difficult. He won’t leave the house and now says he’s is going to change his job (only had his career for me) because he doesn’t want to give me the satisfaction of paying maintenance etc

Morning 😁
Job change? Maybe. Could just be anger talking. He probably hadn’t done the maths yet on affording CMS and where to live, he’ll probably want to earn every penny he can. I think the biggest practical issue will be where you and the kids live, and how you agree to split finances. If you can, I’d try to have a sensible conversation about how you’re going to do this, add up all your assets, pensions, debts, try to work out a viable way of dividing this up rather than letting a court decide. The biggie is of course the house - does he buy you out / you buy him out / you sell and split the money? Might be worth pointing out that a court will not only cost you both money, but will tend to put the children’s interests first ie you and the kids stay and keep the house, he moves out. It would help to have a proper idea of the equity in the house, value of pensions (as these likely to be the biggest ticket items) so you can work out what may be realistic. But I think from what you’ve said, reconciling is not on the table right now so if that’s the case, you need to start looking seriously at the practicalities of splitting.

What the actual fuck have I just read?
if I had a “husband” who spoke to my daughter like that and treated me the way he’s treated you, I would not be wringing my hands over whether to stay together or not!
Sorry to be harsh but seriously?
Get your self respect and your life back, dump this loser and look after your kids. He sounds like a nasty abusive narcissist, this will not get better. It’s the hoovering phase of narcissism where they promise they will change until it starts all over again. Good luck.

Ignore the gambling for a minute, he's verbally and emotionally abusing you and your dd by gaslighting, name calling, tantrums etc, financially abusing you, threatening further financial abuse, not taking any responsibility, trying to manipulate you, and I suspect there's a whole lot more.

He's trying to wear you down so you give in to him. Don't let him do this.

Have you seen a solicitor regarding the financial situation, house etc

Gamblers ruin lives. Not just their own, but those of anyone who comes into their orbit.

He is a bully and a liar, and he doesn't care about you or your children. He cares only about himself.

Get a lawyer. Get a divorce. And get out.

This will no doubt become a high conflict divorce, so brace yourself and know that you will need to weather this storm before sailing into calmer waters.

You will need to find your inner strength and detach from him emotionally to minimise the stress he is causing you.

Keep your eyes on the prize - a better, brighter future for you and your children.