Difficulties with husband

[TidyUser]

Hi all. Just need some advice as currently separated from my husband but things are really difficult to figure out. My husband and I bought a house in January. We chose my hometown because I was given a 3 year training job there. He works in a hybrid job 3 days in the office and 2 days work from home about 1.5 hours away from the house (though when hes with his own family hes doing an hour commute). We initially agreed with the house but when we moved in together we had several arguments and things became really difficult so we separated in may and my husband asked me for a divorce in response to me saying it a few times as the relationship was struggling. He came back at the start of june and lived in the house alone for 2 weeks. The first week was brilkiant and then we had the same cycle of srgukents the second week. He told me that he didnt really want a divorce and just needed time out from me. In regards to location he initially told me he didnt want to live in my hometown (said this after we were legally obliged to pay for the house after initially being on board with everything) but now he is saying that he wants to sell the house we bought which is a new build and rent in the same city as he doesn't want to pay for the mortgage and bills (in a 70:30 split proportionally to our salaries). However up to yesterday when he mentioned renting he was maintaining his position that he does nkt want to live at all on my hometown and this was only meant to be for 3 years. Im constantly getting mixed messages - one minute he eants to divorce then he doesnt, one inute he wants to be with me then he doesnt, one minute he doesnt want to live where weve bought then he eanats torent.

This is confusing me and I dont know what to do. The only consistent thing is he wants to sell our house because he doesn't eant the responsibility of mortgage and bills but I dont see the point in us selling and then renting which would incur massive financial losses. However he is insistent on wanting to sort the house out and work on the relationship later. What's confusing me is thst I want to work on the relationship and know where we're gping from there and then make a decision about selling the house but he is adamant that the relationship can be thought of after the house is sorted.

Im completely confused because I just want him to return to the happy loving man I married not this one causing my massive amounts of stress. However if we get back together i feel like the trust is broken and so many aspects of the relationship have been torn apart because this version of him is unrecognisable from who he was before but I just want to go back to seeing thst kind person who I married and feel stuck in limbo and dont know how to progress forward.

You are separated and he wants to sell the house, the thing tying you together. It seems quite simple to me op. I would sell and walk away. Let him blow his half on rent.

He’s met someone else and wants the house sold. He’s telling you that the relationship will be worked on after the sale to give you a false sense of hope and to make the selling process easier.

I appreciate your post and thank you for your insights but he definitely isn't cheating on me. That is the only thing I know that for sure he wouldn't do. Rest of the relationship feels like a mess to navigate and its hard because I really thought we had a happy relationship. I moved our photos and videos off my phone onto a harddrive yesterday and im really struggling to let go of him because when he was good he was absolutely amazing and I felt like the luckiest person on the planet to be with him but now its all disintegrated and I cant imagine my life without him which makes this so much harder

You can't imagine your life without him? Why?

What you are seeing now is the real him. Do you really want nothing better for yourself than a relationship like this? It is never going to become the way you fondly imagine it should be.

Sell the house, take your money and start again.

Mainly because I thought the first 1.5 yesrs of our relationship were incredible. Id never had thst connection before, we talked for hours and hours and come from the same cultural background. We had amazing dates and I honestly felt like he really opened up my world and made my life more interesting. He was my best friend.

My friend circle as ive got older has dwindled to about 3 close friends and that's it. So I loved being in a relationship and having him there as my person. He was my life companion and I we connected intellectually and had amazing stories and times together. But when it came to commitment and moving in after we got married that is when the troubles have started and I really find it difficult to process a life without him because my life and world feels like its closing in on me again. Im 34 and I felt that society really feels it is geared towards couples. I wanted to start a family and sort our new house out together but he on the other hand tells me he doesn't want to share his finances with me, doesn't trust me, doesn't like my family and just wants to get rid of the house. He has told me previously hes embarrassed to be seen out with me in argument but then apologised for everything he has put me through. But he is adamant he wants tonsell the house so he isn't paying a mortgage every month but I feel thst is financially irresponsible. He keeps claiming I forced him to buy the house and its been like this for 6 months now but I I didnt force him, I gave him an ultimatum thst if he didnt eant to live with me i didnt see how the marriagew as gping to work so we'd have to divorce. And now hes pulled out this renting idea but I feel nervous about that because why would we sell our home and in ur huge losses to then rent . It makes no sense but at rhe same time im nkt ready to leave him and our relationship either.

While I understand that you are in love and have had these beautiful plans about having a family with this man, the truth is, he does not feel the same. While he may not be cheating, I agree with @poppy10101 that he is deceiving you into believing that he wants to work on a relationship, but as soon as you sell the house, he will be gone.

This man is not your person, he is not your soulmate. By your own omission, you blackmailed him into buying this house with you, which means that he never really wanted it. You said he told you that he was embarrassed to be seen by you and this is awful OP. These are not words that a loving husband would ever tell his wife, no matter how angry he is with her.

Sell the house and move on, this relationship is not salvageable.

We've just had another phone call. He told me he called me fat because I did become obese over the lat few months, he found me unattractive because I stopped shaving my body hair and he called me ugly because I stopped wearing makeup. Je said he wants to work on the marriage but just wants to sell the house and is happy to rent until my training contract is over. At the same time he says it is up to me whether we stay together or not. I feel so confused with him and my head is spinning. He says he misses me and wants to go back tobhow things were at the start which is what I want but im also worried because of the stress of this whole situation. Ive had to have months off work and dont want to be in the same cycle next year only for him to do the same and leave. He told me he only asked for a divorce in may because I had been talking about if things dont resolve with the arguments then I wanted a divorce because the arguments were severe in February. Ive made a lot of mistakes and so has he but im just so lost.

How do you know for sure? It honestly sounds like he’s stringing you along, blowing hot and cold, changing the goal posts. This screams that there is someone else.
I really feel for you as someone messing with your head like this is awful, you can’t think straight.
do you have anyone in real life you can talk things through with? He sounds very unkind.

I am fairly certain thst he wouldn't cheat. Its the only thing I am certain of.

Things for confusing because last night we had another phone call where he called me and effing fst ugly b who is trying to steal the house off him which isn't true. I just dont know how to mentally deal with this because on Sunday I deleted all our photos off my phone and its like im dealing with two different people. The mani dated and married feels like hes ledt and im left with a stranger now and its heartbreaking. I just cant mentally come to terms with this or how im ever gping to get kver the gaping hole in my life because every one of my waking moments was spent with him or thinking about him for the last 3 years. I dont know how to move forward or get over the shared life I thought we were going to enjoy.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it’s over, you can’t be with someone who treats you like he is, however good things were in the past.
please speak to your family and friends and get some support. I promise in a few months you will be glad you got away. You deserve better.