I’m writing to Mumsnet in the hope of some objective advice, as I’m so desperately sad about my family situation as a result of the relationship my brother’s found himself in, which has created a rift in my family. I’m now in the middle trying to hold the pieces together.
For context on our family situation, I had a beautiful baby girl with my husband 5 months ago. She’s our everything and I’m very protective of her, and want to create the most loving, big happy family environment for her where she can be surrounded by love. My husband is incredible and my parents (who are in their 70s) adore him. My mum and I are incredibly close, and while my dad isn’t a very affectionate dad (and a recovering alcoholic), we get on well now - although he was a very distant father as we grew up which has affected my brother more so than me. My brother and I are both in our 30s and have always been very close.. but he’s been drifting from my family over the last couple of years due to his toxic relationship with his GF.
For context, my brother met this girl 3 years ago. Their relationship has always been filled with explosive verbal arguments and whenever they get really bad, he struggles to cope with it on his own and comes running to my me, my mum and dad when things get bad, telling us everything (how all of his friends hate her, how she says she hates his family, locks him out of the house, that my mum is a witch and that none of his friends like her) creating a rift when they inevitably then make up the next day. My brother then expects it all to be normal and can’t understand it when my dad doesn’t have any time for her.
Where did this all start? 3 years ago when my brother had only been dating her around 6 months, he decided to show off to her and gatecrash my parents holiday, taking her on holiday abroad to my aunt & uncle’s apartment in Florida. My husband and I couldn’t go as it clashed with our honeymoon so we escaped the drama that ensued.
To cut a long story short, the holiday was a nightmare and my family immediately didn’t warm to her as she didn’t say thank you at any point, never really got involved in conversation and never got off her bum to help around the apartment while she got waited on her hand and foot. Then, one night, my brother and her went on a night out just the two of them, got way too drunk and into a huge argument where they then both stormed off and lost each other. My mum then got a call at 2am from her blind drunk, asking her for the address to the villa as she couldn’t find my brother. My parents got out of bed and in the car, found her stumbling towards the apartment down a dark street and drove her home which point se was shouting drunk “I don’t like your family, I want MY family” because her dad had recently died and she was struggling with the loss. My dad then took huge offence to that and told her to pull it together and that she was an embarrassment. (Fair enough, my dad probably shouldn’t have snapped but it was 2am in the morning and he was upset that she’d put my mum at risk asking her to get in the car at 2am in the morning to pick her up).
My brother eventually arrived back at my aunt’s apartment in a taxi at 1am and the two of them screamed and shouted at each other for over an hour, waking everyone up. My parents were horrified as this wasn’t even in their home, it was my aunt’s who hosted them all week for free. Their flight home happened to be the next day and, while my brother said thank you to my aunt & uncle for hosting them and apologised, his GF didn’t even get out of the car to say goodbye or thank you to my family before they drove off - which left a really bad taste in everyone’s mouth.
This was 2 years ago. Ever since then, my dad (who is in his seventies and quite traditional) has made it very clear he can’t stand her and thinks she’s wrong for my brother. I never got involved as my parents asked me not to and I wasn’t there, after all.
Since then, fast forward 3 years, we’ve had babies (my brother and his GF’s baby was born 2 weeks apart from our baby girl - which was a really special time for us all). However, there have only been a couple of occasions where we’ve all been together since then as a family in over 3 years, two of which were Christmas Days pre- babies that have ended in my brother and his GF storming out after my dad made rude comments after one too many glasses of wine at the table, referencing nice girls my brother should meet up with. Generally, my dad doesn’t acknowledge her and just ignores her, so her and my brother no longer really visit my parents’ house and see me, my mum, my husband & the babies separately without my dad.
Fast forward to today.. my brother is in a really sticky situation with her. He’s now moved 2 hours away and bought a house with her as she didn’t like living in London and wanted to be near her “support network” yet she has no family nearby so they get no help with childcare unlike we do with my mum who is so generous with her time and would 100% look after their baby more if they didn’t live so far sway. His GF also doesn’t like many of his closest friends he;s been friends with since school, as she thinks the boys spend too much time getting drunk. They therefore always have an argument when by brother comes back to London to see his friends as she doesn’t like it when he drinks, further alienating him from his friends after moving away.
This all came to a crescendo when 3 weeks ago, they had HUGE argument after he came back to London to see my dad and some friends to watch a football game but stayed out too late. She blew up a stink as she’d been with their 5 month old baby alone for the whole day and brother said he’d be home that night. My brother ended up staying out late, missed the last train home and ended up at my parents’ house. The next morning, he woke up to her screaming down the phone, told my mum he “couldn’t do it anymore” and had decided to go back home to pack up his stuff and leave as he couldn’t handle her and the things she says anymore when she’s angry. (Apparently she says things like how she hates our family, that my mum is a witch and that she wishes she never had the baby… as just a few examples). My mum drove him the 2 hour journey home and the whole way, he had his GF on loudspeaker while they shouted at each other so my mum could hear the whole argument , and while his GF said things like “Your mum calls me names!!” And other awful things. He also told my mum in the car that none of his friends like her, that he wants to leave her and that all she does is say horrible things about our family.
When my brother & mum got there, she’d locked my brother out of the house and wouldn’t let him in until they were able to via a back door. My mum made a comment about the house being a mess (which apparently it was) to which point his GF said to my mum “are you here to try and take the baby away from me?!” . My mum was horrified as she would never do that, and just wanted to help distract the poor baby while they screamed at each other.
When my mum got home, she was so distraught and told my dad everything - to which point he said she isn’t welcome in my parents’ family home ever again.
The next day, my brother called us all up and said that everything’s fine now, and that they “just argue” and that his GF says mean things in arguments.. expecting us all to just forget things that are said about our family. He then can’t understand why my dad won’t allow her in our house and that my dad is an “asshole” and should just be able to get over it.. even though my brother is the person who decides to tell us all all of these awful things she says about us when he’d mid-argument.
After the latest big argument, my mum was then getting ignored by my brother’s GF who wasn’t letting my mum go and see her grandson as she was annoyed by the comments my mum made about the house being dirty when she’s a new mother, as well as other comments my mum has supposedly made about her which my BROTHER told her himself in an argument to back himself up and show his family agree with him. My mum was distraught not being able to see her grandson so I had to step in to help resolve things.
I ended up having a conversation directly with my brother & his girlfriend last week, and explained to them that if they are going to continue having explosive arguments, my brother needs to understand that going home to mum and dad, telling them all about it and repeating nasty things said about our family by his GF creates a huge rift and tension, and that it needs to stop, and if he wants my dad to accept her, he needs to have a conversation man to man with my dad without sweeping it all under the carpet.
My mum and I are generally willing to move on every time this happens as we don’t want to hold a grudge and ultimately we want to see our nephew/ grandson, but my dad refuses to ever accept my brother’s GF after all that’s gone on and how upset he sees my brother so often, as recently as only 2 weeks ago. He refuses to allow her into my parents’ family home and hasn’t gone to visit my brother’s new house as he refuses to be near her. He also doesn’t really ask after my brother’s son (his grandson) as he associates him with her, and is convinced they’ll break up one day and she’ll use the boy as a shield, so doesn’t want to invest time in him. On the other hand, he makes a lot of effort with our daughter, which I know my brother finds really painful.
I’m now in a situation where I am so distraught and depressed about it all. I had this vision of what my life would be like when I had a baby - imagining happy family life where she’d be surrounded by family. Especially with my daughter & nephew being only 2 weeks apart, I so desperately want us all to be able to gather at my parents’ house like we used to, but with the babies, my brother, me, my husband and my brother’s gf. But my dad absolutely refuses. If my brother was to ever come back to London and stay, he’d have to come with his son without his GF/ his little boy’s mum- and therefore decides not to come at all, meaning we’re all missing out on spending tine together at the grandparents’ house.
I’ve tried so hard to bring everyone together and after the phone call I had with my brother and his GF last week, I managed to convince my brother to have a conversation with my dad about it all (as they never do - they just ignore the situation, speak to me about it, avoid the topic when they are together and then only ever talk about football). His gf also agreed that she’d apologise for how she behaved on my family’s holiday 2 years ago and for the things she said to my dad.
Unfortunately though.. my brother chickened out and instead of meeting my dad face to face, he called him over the phone instead. It couldn’t have gone worse. My brother basically said to my dad that he appreciates he’s in the wrong for constantly relaying to our family the arguments he has with his GF and that he needs to stop that, but moving forward he’d like my dad to try and accept his GF and forget the past so we can gather at my parents’ house as the central hub with the babies without my dad making her feel uncomfortable.
My dad’s view was “how can I be nice to someone who says she hates our family, calls your mum a witch, doesn’t like your friends, and after you came running to our house for the 100th time 2 weeks ago packing your bags because you couldn’t be with her anymore as the arguments have got so bad?” - and essentially said he won’t be welcoming her with open arms any time soon.
My brother then accused my dad of being the only one who is blocking our family from being together at my parents’ and that if he’s not willing to be more open minded, he’ll never speak to him again and that that call would be the last time my dad would ever hear from him.
My dad came over to our house yesterday pretty upset by it all, as from his perspective, he’s convinced my brother isn’t really happy and that she isn’t right for him.. and can’t welcome her into our family home when she’s made such blatant hateful comments about our family in the past.
Essentially - I’m now totally lost and don’t know what to do. I feel completely in the middle and so desperately wish my dad would try and forget everything she’s said and done so that we can all spend summers together in my parents’ garden and create these happy memories all together with the babies/ cousins.. and I feel my daughter is being robbed of that. Whenever I see my parents, it’s always separately - just me, my husband, mum, dad & my daughter. Then when I see my brother, his GF and my nephew, it’s all of us at either their house without my dad, or my house.. but never all of us TRULY together, which breaks my heart and makes me so sad.
I guess I’m looking for some advice on what to do.. as I know I can’t force my dad to accept her. But when I see big families all together playing in the park, or on holidays together, or spending Christmas together, my heart breaks a little inside as I wish I had that. All I feel is loneliness. And when I think I about this upcoming Christmas, my brother & his GF have asked if we’d all like to go away somewhere together (including mum, without my dad) which I feel so incredibly torn about as I feel like I’d be choosing between them and my dad. I just want my daughter’s first Christmas to be special with no negativity. On the other hand, my dad hates Christmas and is always a big humbug on Christmas Day, so I feel as though I also want to set boundaries now we have a daughter and maybe the best thing is to just do our own thing - just me, my husband & my daughter. But then I’d feel so desperately sad that it’s got to that.
My brother is a huge part of the issue here and is at the centre of it all - refusing to accept that he’s created this by bringing every argument with his GF to us all and coming to us in desperation.. to then run back to her every time.
Maybe I should just accept that I live in fairy cuckoo land and that not every family is picture perfect.. but it devastates me on my daughter’s behalf.
For anyone still reading - thank you so much and any advice - I’d be so appreciative