Hate where we live, husband won’t talk to me about relocating?!

[JAP23]

I’m desperate to relocate, we are mid Cornwall and I’m trying to convince him somewhere nice in Devon maybe, ideally still close to the coast. but my husband won’t even talk to me about moving he just brushes it off, which is starting to drive me crazy. I’ve wanted to move since I was 20 and I’m now 31! I don’t have any family I hardly talk to in the area, a lot of my family aren’t worth knowing and I don’t want to be associated with them. I do have friends but no one I see that often - which I am fine with! But I’m desperate to start a new life. my husband family live 3+ hours away so he has nothing to keep him down here. I’m considering anywhere but it needs to have good schools for our 3 children, and still close enough to local supermarkets but happy to go to a village short distance from a town. We are happily married but I know me wanting to move so desperately is getting in the way because I never feel settled and he pretty much dismisses how I feel!

My friend was similar, in the end she lined it all up, found a house to rent, booked a removal van and told her H that he could come or not but she and the kids were moving. He did go with her, and loved the new home and their new life there. There were more options for work, for schooling, for leisure, and all of their lives improved.

You live once. You are not equal partners as your husband has all the control. I think you need a time frame. You've spent years wanting to move. How much more time will you give of your precious life to meeting his choices and not yours. Does this happen in other aspects of your relationship?

@DelphiniumBlueIm really glad she went ahead and followed what she wanted to do! That must of taken her a lot to do that! When I actually met my H my house was up for sale and I was just about to relocate so I feel he knows I’ve never been settled even though I’m living in the town I grew up in if that makes sense? I feel like he’s been so selfish by not talking about it to me it’s almost driving me more crazy! Thanks for your reply!

Has he managed to explain exactly why he doesn't want to move and is that reason valid from his point of view?

@MumptynumptyThank you for your reply! We have a fantastic relationship in all other aspects of it but this is really driving me crazy, when we first met my house was actually up for sale and I was looking to relocate then, that was over 7 years ago now. His family live 3+ hours away so he really has nothing to stay around the area for, it’s run down deprived and no job prospects for our children when they get abit older, full of drugs & drunks and just not a nice area to live like when I grew up. He has made comments before like your so desperate to get out you’ll just move anywhere but that’s not the case at all, if he sat down and looked we could visit areas and rule them out but I can’t do that alone 😒

What about your jobs, do you work from home or could you easily find the same job in a different area?
Also, how do the children feel about moving? I get that part of you wanting to go is about good schools and wanting them to find jobs when they’re older but what do they want to do?

Dh should at least be prepared to discuss this and put forward proper objections because you are equals but maybe your side will become more compelling if you present him with something more than just a dream?
can you start doing your research?

@thatsawhopperthatlemon Not really, he dismisses when I try and talk about it and said it’s not as easy as just moving. Which I know a relocation isn’t easy but I’m not talking visas and the other side of the world - maybe 60-200 miles away, people do it everyday, he said everywhere has its issues but for me it’s getting away and starting fresh obviously I want my children in a nice area but understand that all places do have good parts and rough parts too. It’s finding the right balance but until he talks to me we can’t begin to look (although I look everyday on Google maps and research areas, join Facebook groups etc!) his family are 3+ hours away so he really doesn’t have a reason to stay in the area, it frustrating. Thank you for your reply.

Maybe you can't visit loads of areas alone but have you said anything more than 'I want to move'? Find a house you like in a place you like that you can afford, do a bit of research on schools and, importantly, logistics on things like working. Because it sounds more like you are moaning about your life as it is than planning how to improve it.

Good luck, hope you find something.

He must have a reason for wanting to stay where you are? What are your jobs?

@IanStirlingrocks Thank you for your reply.

my husband is a plumber & builder so he can get work anywhere in the country as there building all over, so job wise would be easy, he has his own company and I run his social media, website design and accounts which work for us as I can be around for the children and work my own hours to a certain degree.

our children are to young to discuss it so we are in a great position as they won’t know any different, a few more years and that will all change so I do feel like it’s now or not at all. I look on Google maps everyday join Facebook groups of areas I like and do a lot of research, without driving there obviously I couldn’t say for certain but when I try to talk to him about it he dismisses it altogether. My frustration is this is my home town,he moved down here 12 years ago with a ex, I’ve always lived here the area is now deprived, full of drunks and a huge drug problem. not a lot to do with the children days out etc. I don’t speak to any of my family and just dream of the fresh start and new happiness elsewhere.

@LindorDoubleChoc
Thank you for your reply.
my husband is a plumber builder so he can get work anywhere in the country as there building all over, so job wise would be easy, he has his own company and I run his social media, website design and accounts which work for us as I can be around for the children and work my own hours to a certain degree.

our children are to young to discuss it so we are in a great position as they won’t know any different, a few more years and that will all change so I do feel like it’s now or not at all. I look on Google maps everyday join Facebook groups of areas I like and do a lot of research, without driving there obviously I couldn’t say for certain but when I try to talk to him about it he dismisses it altogether. My frustration is this is my home town,he moved down here 12 years ago with a ex, I’ve always lived here the area is now deprived, full of drunks and a huge drug problem. not a lot to do with the children days out etc. I don’t speak to any of my family and just dream of the fresh start and new happiness elsewhere.

How do you think your life will be better when you move somewhere that you don’t know anyone?

@BrightLightTonight It’s hard to go into, but I don’t have much to do with my family, majority of my family aren’t nice people and k don’t like being associated with them, so that alone would make me feel better and less judged, before I met my husband I was in an abusive relationship who I have 2 children with - he isn’t allowed to see them set by the courts so I haven’t had much luck, a fresh start would be perfect.

@BrightLightTonightthe OP doesn’t like the environment & with DCs would meet people through school. Why wouldn’t her life improve? OP, would your DH engage better if you could find a specific place to move to, where you could both visualise living? It might feel too vague for him at the moment although I appreciate you are trying to be open & flexible…

@legosnowqueenexactly I feel like we could meet some really lovely friends through schools etc, I am on the PTFA at my children’s primary at the moment and always happy to get involved in raising funds for the school. I have got specific places in mind and when I said about then he’s said each area is a “dump” and has problems! He’s worked all over the country and is so knowledgeable I’ve actually said to him well where would you be happy?! And he just ignores me and says it’s a stupid idea. I feel so dismissed and unhappy

It sounds like your dh is settled and doesn't want to move anywhere else.
What about relocating near to your husbands family, is that something he could get on board with .

@Minnie798We originally did look into that but he really didn’t want to move back there, and it’s not really a option for us, it’s not a area I would want to raise my children plus it’s very pricey to live there

Does DH and DC have no say? Sure you won't just be miserable somewhere else? What about work, school, nursery etc? Moving is expensive can you afford it? It's also incredibly stressful. Will the grass really be greener?

We moved five years ago from a larger city to a very small town in Yorkshire where we had no friends or acquaintances, and no experience of the county aside from occasional holidays. The city we were in was ok 25 years ago but was becoming more dire with crime and antisocial behaviour and life was becoming depressing.

Of course you can't know for sure how you will like a new place, but we did our research and spent a lot of time on the neighbourhood crime rate websites. We didn't go into it with rose tinted glasses thinking our new town would be perfect but honestly this move was the best thing we ever did. There is something wonderful about moving to a new area with no memories or obligations, leaving the past behind and starting a more intentional life in the new area. Especially if that area is beautiful, like many parts of Devon. I was fortunate that my DH was happy to move and he was able to transfer to the northern office for work.

I hope you are able to convince your husband to at least look at the area, it must be disheartening that he knows you are miserable and just dismisses it. That would be a bigger problem for me. I would be tempted to do as a PP said and tell him you were moving, with or without him.

How about arranging a weekend in a place you fancy and saying to DH you're going with or without him? Make it an adventure for the kids. If that goes well arrange house viewings for another weekend. You have to be proactive. My DH is lovely but cba with anything slightly disruptive so I've learned to do this over the years.