Feeling bored, stifled, irritated, fed up...or am I just being a bitch?

[Figuer]

I'm struggling in my marriage at the moment but I'm not really sure why. DH has really done nothing wrong, and there's definitely no thoughts of anyone else, but I just can't get the thought out of my head that I'd be happier on my own. I need to get it down and I wonder if anyone is feeling a similar way or can offer any words of wisdom?

For context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8. We met when I was in my late 30s, I'm now in my early 50s (and yes, very much in perimenopause which I'm aware may be having an impact!). I had one child when we met, who is now an adult, not living at home. DH has been a fabulous step-parent, no issues there at all. We don't have any kids together. We own a house, don't really have significant financial worries, generally have a nice life.

We've had our ups and downs of course and no one is perfect, least of all me. I could list all the minor irritations of daily life, and I'm sure he could list many of mine too. Fundamentally DH is a kind, thoughtful, smart, loving man and I know he loves me to bits. We have things in common, and also our own separate interests. We do laugh together, and have sex (although this has never been a particularly fulfilling element of our relationship for me). He cooks, shops, does a fair bit of the life/house admin. He doesn't have (m)any friends and relies on me for his social life almost entirely, and for emotional support. He's aware of this (he actually showed me the 'mankeeping' article the other week as he knew it would ring bells with me...) but doesn't make much effort to change it. He can be quite critical of other people (colleagues, family, neighbours) which limits our social life, and we've had a few years recently where he's struggled to settle in a job (including periods of unemployment) which has put pressure on me. When he was not working he spent a lot of time just lying around the house watching sport on the tv, which drove me mad. He's back in work now (although he complains about it a lot!) He keeps saying he wants to retire at 55 but doesn't earn anywhere near enough or save enough to make that even a remote possibility. Any money that we have (savings etc) has been brought into the marriage by me. I've paid off a lot of his debts, too.

But there's nothing fundamentally 'wrong' in our marriage; these don't feel like things I would be justified in leaving over! A lot of it I knew before I went in, iyswim? And as I said, he's kind and loving and he'd be absolutely devastated if he knew I was feeling this way.

I just can't get this feeling out of my head, though. I would absolutely say that love him, but at the same time I don't think it would bother me very much if our marriage ended tomorrow. I think I would feel liberated - I would buy a tiny flat and do whatever the hell I pleased all day every day without anyone wanting to know where I was or what time I'd be back or what I wanted for dinner. I wouldn't need to spend any time hearing about his latest injury or how he thinks so-and-so at work is a lazy twat, or having the tv on all fucking weekend with some random sport (football, golf, cycling, pentathlon, skiing, boxing, weightlifting, you name it)... I think the bottom line is, I don't 'need' him, but I think he 'needs' me, and I feel a bit sad and fed up and guilty and irritated about that.

Is this just marriage, though? I'm not 'unhappy', I just feel a bit stifled, I think. I just want to be alone! But then I think about the times when we do have fun together, and he does make me laugh, and he does love me, and he'd be devastated if I left. Can anyone identify with this at all?

I go on rightmove and plan and furnish my imaginary house. But before you plan your exit (as I am doing) maybe just try and increase the amount of time you are doing what you want, for you, without him.

Can I ask why you've decided to leave, @okydokethen

DH is a kind, thoughtful, smart, loving man and I know he loves me to bits. We have things in common, and also our own separate interests. We do laugh together, and have sex (although this has never been a particularly fulfilling element of our relationship for me). He cooks, shops, does a fair bit of the life/house admin. He doesn't have (m)any friends and relies on me for his social life almost entirely, and for emotional support. He's aware of this (he actually showed me the 'mankeeping' article the other week as he knew it would ring bells with me...) but doesn't make much effort to change it. He can be quite critical of other people (colleagues, family, neighbours) which limits our social life, and we've had a few years recently where he's struggled to settle in a job (including periods of unemployment) which has put pressure on me. When he was not working he spent a lot of time just lying around the house watching sport on the tv, which drove me mad. He's back in work now (although he complains about it a lot!) He keeps saying he wants to retire at 55 but doesn't earn anywhere near enough or save enough to make that even a remote possibility. Any money that we have (savings etc) has been brought into the marriage by me. I've paid off a lot of his debts, too.

I would buy a tiny flat and do whatever the hell I pleased all day every day without anyone wanting to know where I was or what time I'd be back or what I wanted for dinner. I wouldn't need to spend any time hearing about his latest injury or how he thinks so-and-so at work is a lazy twat, or having the tv on all fucking weekend with some random sport (football, golf, cycling, pentathlon, skiing, boxing, weightlifting, you name it).

I can't tel you if you should stay in this relationship or not but I can offer an alternative way of writing the above:

Dh is a kind, thoughtful, smart, loving man who loves me to bits. We get on well a lot of the time and have things in common and he does his fair share around the house.

But he's very needy and quite lazy. He makes very little effort at work, with friendships, with me and as a result spends a lot of time sitting aroudn watching sport (even to the point of not making any effort to find work when he was unemployed) and constantly wants me to be available to spend time with him or cook for him or whatever. He has very little social life so its all on me, and it means that even if I'm out with friends, I have to be conscious of him at home alone or him wanting me home. This is made worse as he actievly dislikes a lot of people and is never happy with other people's behaviours. I think he probably doesn't like my friends eitehr.

Financially, we are fine but that is all because of me. He has never earned much, never made any effort to earn more and to be honest, has been off work at various times with very little inclination to go back to work. As a result, I've had to pay off a lot of debts he has run up over the years.

Also, sex is... average.

Should I stay with him? He'll be devastated if I leave.

Give it a year. If you still feel the same way then get your own place.

@MageQueen you're kind of right, ish. He can be needy and a bit lazy, yes. I wouldn't say he makes no effort with me (probably the opposite tbh) and 'he wants me home' when I'm out with friends is probably not quite fair. The money situation is more or less on point though, although he does make an effort to look for work when he's off - it's more that it's unsettling that he chops and changes work so frequently. I do earn more, and always have.

I dunno. Sometimes I feel genuinely lucky to have such a loving, kind man who is so attentive, and other times I just want to scream and run away.

Is he kind and attentive or utterly smothering as the way you write sounds suffocating.
Your post made me feel extremely uncomfortable as it sounds as though you are there to facilitate an easy life. How much of the financial burden do you carry and do you ever refuse to carry his load, with what reaction?
Is he serious about the retiring early & is this an expectation that you will carry on working to support the lifestyle he wants?

Gawd OP. In summary, you don't respect your husband - and for good reason.

The charge list:

• the sex is average
• he's lazy - both socially and professionally
• he's needy and reliant upon you for lots of things. You've bailed him out of debt during the course of your marriage
• he clearly takes issue with people - people you like to socialise with it seems
• delusions of retiring early, likely at your expense - again!

And that's only what you've shared here... you don't owe him the experience of not being devastated. Loving, kind attentive is the MINIMUM you should expect from your spouse.

Go and live your lovely life, OP. There will be less draining men or blissful singledom who don't make you want to run away and scream.

He'd be devastated if you left him

This sounds like you're main reason for not leaving him and it shouldn't be. Men very quickly pick themselves up and move on, you'd be amazed.

The fact that he's crucial of more or less everyone is an enormous red flag, it's a controlling tactic, because it limits who you can socialise with. His world is small and he's made yours small too. No wonder you feel stifled. Also did I read that right that he's not happy when you're out on your own/with friends? If so, that's again controlling. You would feel liberated if you left him. You could breathe again. Imagine when he actually retires and you have to be around each other ALL THE TIME. Run now

It’s diffficult to tell if you would be more or less happy, because everyone is different, but I can tell you that I LOVE being single. It’s blown me away how much, and I never knew. The peace, the freedom, the doing what I want when I want at all times. It is absolutely for me.
i stayed with my ex for years because he wasn’t doing anything divorceable and then, thank goodness with hindsight, he had an affair. I am so so pleased he did.

I would give it a year and see how you feel.
also consider raising these points with him?
or spend a bit more time alone. I think it’s much easier to think life would be better without him when you’ve got him at home, waiting for you if that makes sense.

OP one thing that jumped out at me is how you repeatedly mention how he would struggle if you left - please never let someone else’s neediness/dependency on you be the main/sole reason for staying with them! That is sacrificing your life for someone else! Trust me, if you’re doing this you will look back and regret it. I lost almost a decade of my life like this. Thank god I broke free and didnt lose even more.
My suggestion would be to give it a bit of time, maybe get counselling, try to clarify your feelings. Maybe watch Shirley Valentine! There are no easy answers OP, but you do seem unhappy.

Please do not get me wrong OP, but people do not want to leave great marriages. You keep saying that your husband is loving and carrying and perhaps he is, but something is deeply wrong about him, or the way he is with you, or the way he perceives life and others around you, so much so that it makes you want to scream and run away.

I suggest you start therapy, if this is available to you, as this may help you unpack some of this and make you understand what is going on and why. Currently, it seems, you feel extremely guilty for thinking these thoughts, and you think something must be wrong with you for wanting out, and you should not.

Regardless, please remember, that you are entitled to happiness. Whether or not, there is anything “wrong” with your husband, is beside the point. You are not happy in this relationship and you have a right to leave. I wish you all the best!

(Btw I have initiated my separation and subsequent divorce after twenty-five years of marriage. I can tell you that being single is absolutely amazing. 😊)

Yes. I don't mean to be a downer but after spending several years thinking life would be better if I were alone, without DH, he died -- and it immediately became apparent that it isn't better at all.

It sounds to me like you're experiencing perimenopause in all its glory. The same emotional transition happened to me and to many women I know. At some point it feels like you just kind of wake up, look around and think, what the hell am I doing all of this for? Your life, as you've structured it, needs you, but you no longer need it when your need to nurture goes away.

Or at least that's how it felt to me, and the best piece of advice I received was, don't make any major life decisions while your hormones are in flux.

Start to do things you want to do, together or alone. What's the worse that can happen? He decides he doesn't like it and wants you to stop doing things, and if you don't stop, what's he going to do - leave you? In which case, there's your answer. And if he's happy for you to do your own thing, then you can bring some joy back into your life. Win-win. Maybe. Don't just float around being ambivalent though, make a decision to do something. Good luck.

This!! I feel like this every few months or so. Soon changes and I feel different. Hormones!!

You don't love him. You are certainly not in love with him. You are staying with him as he would be devastated if you left.
You obviously have no worries that you would feel lonely if you left him.
Do what is right for you. And reading your post it seems obvious that you would have a better life without him.

(My point being, you never know what will happen. Taking the advice not to make any major changes got me to return home to DH after a trial separation, which meant I had two more years with him before he suddenly and unexpectedly died - heart attack - years that I now treasure. And what kept running through my head, at the funeral and in the months after, was that I loved him so much more than I knew, and that we were supposed to grow old together. So if you're not 200% sure that you don't love your DH and would be happier without him, I'd advise finding other ways to deal with the impulses perimenopause throws up. For myself, I took up painting...)

This. My ex husband's partner of 12 years died a year ago. He was shagging his current girlfriend 6 weeks later.