Brother from out of the blue

[beachcitygirl]

Hi, I’m struggling a little (v tough childhood) abusive (now dead father ) alcoholic mother..
now in my 50s and extremely close to my sisters and brother from my father second marriage.
2 years ago my mum informed me of a child she had with my same father before I was born that they gave up for adoption. He had been in touch and entered all our lives to disastrous and difficult consequences - he died last year.
out of the blue I got a message on Facebook from a lovely young woman who thought she may be my niece (she is ) and her dad was adopted as a baby.
it turns out my father had got yet another woman pregnant whilst my mother was pregnant with my older brother and in a Magdalen home.

I have every sympathy with their desire to know about their family background etc
but I feel exhausted and nervous and to be frank unwilling to let someone else in.
but I feel like a bloody bitch. None of my shitty past is this man’s fault.
what to do?
keen to receive support or criticism- I feel bewildered
as an aside im caring for my disabled daughter and my partner who has recently had 3 strokes.

i don't want to read and run but it's perfectly fine to say your childhood was difficult and that at the present there are some personal challenges that are draining. that at this time, you are unable to fill her in on the family history. but in a few months time when your home situation is more settled you might be able to share more details?
it does sound like you have a lot on your plate, now isn't the right time to bring up the past hurt.

OP, I don't know what to advise you, other than it's OK, and probably of paramount importance to prioritise your own mental health right now. I can't begin to imagine how emotionally tough and exhausting all of the above must be.

Please take care of yourself. You comes across as so pragmatic and strong, but what you have described is a whole new level of (years of) trauma.

Putting yourself first doesn't make you a bitch. Please don't feel the need to please others, and certainly don't put your own needs at the bottom of your list of people to prioritise.

Wow, you are just going through too much for this right now. I wonder if you can say 'hey, great to hear from you, I am going through a lot right now and wondered if we can maybe talk about this in 6 months when hopefully I will be in a better space' or similar.
We all have our limits, and that is absolutely okay but I also understand that you might not want the opportunity to connect with family to go away altogether so perhaps a delay might work.
Look after yourself hun, it sounds like hard work regardless of the upbringing or historical stuff!

I think it’s OK to message them and gently tell them at the moment you’re emotionally exhausted (you don’t need to say why) and that for the foreseeable future you won’t be able to engage with them, and you hope they understand. Please don’t feel guilty about it, you don’t “owe” them anything.

Thanks everyone- I’ve been on holiday attempting to relax, I took advice from you all and sent a kind but not now message which was well received. Xx you’re all excellent