How much info to share with children when divorcing

[Cyanometer]

If a couple are getting divorced because one of the individuals wants to, would you expect this information to be shared with or kept from a 15 year old child?

As opposed to pretending you’re together?

Sorry 😄, I wasn't very clear - I meant the part about it being one person's decision.

I think it’s fine if it’s kept very factual. It’s fine to decide you don’t want to be married anymore. It’s no reflection on your love for your child

I think it is reasonable to be broadly truthful, and indeed going too far in the other direction risks coming close to gaslighting children, especially by the time they are teens and have probably got a pretty good sense of what is going on and will want to be able to form their own opinions based on the facts of the situation.

But it is absolutely essential that children of any age are protected from feeling any sense of responsibility for their parents" emotions. So to 15 year old, it would be reasonable to say that you are sad about the divorce. But it would be absolutely unreasonable to show that sadness through repeated crying, bitterness, anger, bad mouthing etc.

15yos are a lot more perceptive and grown up than we think. And in this day and age - they know more about relationships than we used to.
So, for starters - it is entirely possible that they picked up on any tension or unhappiness between the two of you - probably more true for girls, than boys, but still.
They also understand divorce, and most likely know kids whose parents are divorced, which is helpful in a way.

I think it'll be hard to avoid talking about why you are getting divorced. And I think it's also perfectly OK to be honest and say that the relationship got in trouble and one of you is really unhappy and wants out. If that one is you - you can say a bit more - say because I have fallen out of love; or whatever reason is the case...
If it is your partner is the one who wants to end it - I would also be honest and say that the relationship needs both people to be in it. And that your partner wants out - and that your child can talk to them about their reasoning, if they want.

Bottom line - the teen is not going to blame themselves. They might or might not want to know WHY at the time you tell them you are separating. They may need time to process - and will be needing to know how their lives would change on a practical level - where they'll live, etc. The conversation of WHY divorce happened may happen later, if at all.

My kids asked at different times, and few years after the actual divorce - mostly around 15-16yo mark.

Is the one who wants to tell the initiator?

As long as the child isn’t told in order to alienate from the other parent, 15yo is old enough to know the general gist - would they know from living with you anyway ?

I thought this was going to be about younger children who might not understand.

For a 15 year old? Tell them honestly what happened and who did what - but keep it factual and without judgement/condemnation if possible.

I don't like the whole "We decided to separate" if it very clearly came from one person. Eventually the truth with come out and they will resent being lied to.

A 15 year old isn't young though, they deserve to know why their life is about to change so much, and who is responsible. (responsible doesn't just mean who initiated the divorce, but who caused the issue e.g. Cheating.) If that changes their relationship with a parent - good! If their father is a lying cheating arse, then their relationship with him should change... Equally if their mother is divorcing their father because she has a drug issue, again, they should know, because that will and should impact their relationship.

Thanks everyone.

Apologies, I tried to keep the OP vague as I was really interested in how people would answer.

I'm not the person potentially instigating the split, and (if it happens) I thought this info could be shared with DS. 'DH' was aghast.

@Cyanometer - well, DH can be as aghast as he wants, but he can't tell you what to tell DS. If DH wants to divorce, and you do not - it's perfectly OK to say - we are divorcing because DH ...INSERT whatever explanation DH gave you....
Feelings changed? He wants to be on his own... Etc.

DH just doesn't have to explain it to his son - and wants to keep up some appearances. But - he needs to be an adult and take responsibility for his choices...

I told dc that it was exh’s decision because they didn’t want us to separate and were very upset about the situation. They were pestering me for a reason for the breakup and I felt if I’d pretended it was a mutual decision they’d have thought there was a chance of us getting back together.

As long as you do it factually, and don't try to turn DS against DH. DH is leaving you, not DS.

I think it depends on the reason why he wants to separate.

If you tell your DS it's his father's idea, is there a chance your husband will feel the need to justify his decision to your DS, and in doing so perhaps disclose some information about your relationship that a child really shouldn't be told.

I.e. If his decision has anything to do with your sex life, do you really want your DS asking questions.

How do you think knowing which parent instigated the split will benefit your son? As tempting as it may be to try and score points please don't. I'd maintain a neutral 'sometimes relationships don't work out'' stance until they are older or at least until they ask directly.

Teenagers don't yet understand the nuances of relationships and naming one partner as the instigator is likely to damage their relationship with your child and affect your child's self esteem. Think about how that information will make them feel.

Feeling abandoned by a parent / not good enough or they'd have stayed etc is shit, especially while in the midst of exam years and puberty.

Genuinely, thank you everyone - food for thought on both sides of the argument.

I think it’s fine to tell them the truth. If you say it’s a joint decision but then DC questions you more, what can you say when you didn’t want the split. Of course DH wants to say its a joint decision as it gets him off the hook.

At 15, your child probably knows it is a one-sided decision anyway. My son knew, and he was 5. They witness the relationship dynamic every day.

I get this - and if the divorce is relatively mutual/calm/mild in nature, then that is fine.

But for me, there are plenty of occasions where the child's relationship with their parent does need to alter. If their father is a lying/cheating/stealing/abusive etc. etc. then that should change the child's view of them. It isn't fair for the child to have them viewing such a potentially harmful figure in their life in a positive light. They need to know the truth, because they have a relationship with that parent as well, and they deserve to be able to make sure that they aren't lied to, abused, tricked etc.

I agree with this. In what other situations would we collude to the long-term deception of a child or young adult about another adult's poor behaviour?

"When people show you who they are, believe them" is a favourite MN maxim, and for good reason. If the father of a child chooses to leave the family home, then the onus is on the father to show that child that the split in no way diminishes their love for their child. Show them through consistent, unwavering, selfless behaviour that puts their child first over the coming months and years.

Telling a child that their dad still loves them just as much when the evidence of their own eyes is that their dad has pissed off to pursue an nicer life elsewhere is gaslighting them IMO.

@throwawaynametoday @NJLX2021 I agree with regards to abuse but when it's a split because one parent no longer wishes to remain in the relationship I really think who's to 'blame' is a conversation that should stay between the adults involved during the splitting up process. At the time of the split a child has enough to process without being made to feel the pain and anger of the other parent too.

Everything is so black and white at that age, it's too easy to see a parent as being fully right/ wrong or good/ bad when the reality will be far more complicated and nuanced. Whatever one parent says the other will feel is unfair and likely counter with their view and it's just a headfuck for the kid in the midst of it all.

It isn't gaslighting to say that the relationship isn't working. You don't have to (shouldn't) say anything about how the other parent feels, that has to come from them, words and actions.

hi, my parents split when I was 12. It was very clear to me that my dad was leaving.

I think you have to be honest in an appropriate way - without leaving your child 'worried about mum' - (so hard to walk that line I realise) - as a child I was left very stressed at how traumatised my mum was at being 'abandoned' and carried that with me in many problematic ways for a long time

I understand why your H doesn't want to share that info - he feels that is shameful personal information - leaving him looking like the bad guy

But I think there will be an approrpriate way to say - daddy just doesn't feel he has the right feelings to stay married or whatever.

or you could say - we aren't getting along well enough to remain married? that slightly reduces 'blame'

Is it possible to frame it to yourself differently - so he isn't leaving - the marriage has broken down? that might be more of a reasonable way to share it. I mean presumably you wouldn't want him to stay if he doesn't want to be there?