Staying for the kids…

[alittleskitttle]

Hello everyone,

I’m seeking some advice and would love to hear about others’ experiences. My relationship with my husband isn’t great, and while I feel unhappy, I often wonder if staying together for the sake of our children is the right choice. I know I can’t be the only mother who has felt this way.

My husband has many positive qualities—he’s kind, thoughtful, stable, reliable, and a hard worker. However, we see some things differently, which creates a disconnect between us, even though it doesn't lead to conflict.

I find myself wondering if things can change. We’ve been together since we were young, and I feel we have grown apart over the years. When I try to discuss this with him, he often interprets my words as criticism, making conversations difficult.

It seems he’s happy as long as I don’t express my unhappiness. I sometimes feel sad for him too, thinking that if he were more honest with himself, he might find greater happiness with someone else.

I would appreciate any insights or advice on how to navigate this situation.

Thank you.

we see some things differently

What kinds of things do you see differently? Like, on the spectrum of he votes reform and loves Andrew Tate and that’s not for you, to gentle v’s not afraid of a bollocking parenting styles?
Have you grown apart or have you always seen things differently?

Yes, it’s difficult to say anything without an example of the problem…

The grass isn’t always greener

We tend to have differing views on consent when it comes to intimacy. This topic feels like a significant concern between us. I believe he doesn’t fully acknowledge my boundaries, while he perceives my resistance as a sign that I’m no longer interested in him, expecting me to feel flattered by his attraction. Because I often feel disrespected, it naturally diminishes my affection for him, leading us into a cycle where our sexual relations don’t feel fully consensual from my perspective.

I’ve come to realise that there's always been an expectation on his part that if I went out for a social drink with friends, I would come home ready for intimacy. Because of this, I've often declined invitations and, as a result, have isolated myself from my social circle, which leaves me feeling resentful.

I recognise that I’m not without blame…I’ve allowed things to deteriorate to this point. However, I wonder if, as our children grow older, they are currently teenagers and a pre-teen, we might be able to focus on improving our relationship. I suppose I am wondering if anyone here has been in a similar position and found it worked out well in the end?

Bloody hell, OP. Consent is an absolute not a negotiation.

Yes absolutely stay with him if you want to normalise sexual assault.

OP. If he doesn't respect you when you say NO then this relationship is doomed. If he is using coercive control then he is an abuser. Make plans to leave him.

Kind and thoughtful and forces you into sex you don’t want. Happy so long as you aren’t complaining? He’s vile.

Your update is chilling. Consent is a must. Nobody should be coerced into having sex. And he’s alienating you from your friends, too. I would get out ASAP.

'My husband has many positive qualities—he’s kind, thoughtful.'

'Our sexual relations don’t feel fully consensual from my perspective.'

So he is actually a very long way from kind and thoughtful, then.

You might want to consider couples counselling with a view to exploring his attitudes towards what a healthy marriage partnership looks like.

It's shocking how many men have horribly skewed attitudes towards women. They view us as sub-human.

To feel unsafe, unseen and unheard about your own bodily autonomy is a horrible way to live.

During the course of counselling, you might also explore whether you want to stay in a marriage to a man like that.

If he cannot respect your view when you do not give consent to intimacy then your marriage is indeed at an end or it should be. Consent is non negotiable.

Do not stay with him either for the supposed sake of the children either. You would not be staying for their sake; more like your own because leaving is "hard". I would argue staying with your H is a damn sight harder. I would also readily assume your teenage children have picked up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad and they sense something is badly amiss.

The kids here should not be used as glue here to bind both you and he together. Your man only accepts one opinion as well; his own.

What would your own advice be if someone else was writing this?.

And no to couples counselling. OP is not emotionally safe enough to embark on such sessions. He would likely manipulate the counsellor into taking his side and making it all out to be the OPs fault.

Contacting both Rape Crisis and a Solicitor would be a better use of OPs time now.

Woah!

''Differing views on consent to intimacy'' is about as bad as differing views get !!!

((hugs))

This isn't good OP. You are allowed to leave a marriage. Even one with kids!

He can still be a good father and you a good mother and not be living together. With his ''differing views'' ... 😳

I tolerated this for a long time. We tried counselling (I now get that this isn't recommended), the first one totally called him out on his behaviour so he quit. The second sympathised with him and thought I was unreasonable, and sadly his behaviour escalated.
I found 'always mending' to be a really good website about marital coercion. I'm here if you need to chat

To the poster who suggested I stay with him to normalise sexual assault, I'd like to clarify that this is not my aim. Please understand that what has occurred has been so subtle in our relationship that I haven’t clearly recognised it as such, and I suspect my husband feels the same. However, he’s not really open to examining his behaviour, which makes it more difficult.

I've been in counseling for other reasons and haven’t fully addressed how my marriage affects me. I think this is partly due to not wanting to admit how serious the situation is and perhaps not fully realising it.

To the poster who thought I might be staying to avoid the 'hard' decision, please believe that leaving would be the 'easier' option for me. My primary concern is the potential impact on my children, and I genuinely don’t think they sense anything amiss. If I thought that were the case I would not hesitate to leave.

For who asked how would I respond to someone who asked me for advice on this , from the outside, I’d more than likely tell them to leave quickly, and see the situation in black and white. But being in it feels very grey, and I often wonder how it has come to this.

Icantthinkofagoodname24, I’m sorry to hear about your similar experience. Do you know what your turning point was? Did you recognise the situation for what it was right away, or, like me, did it take time to realise what was happening?

Thank you ever so much for the ‘always mending’ recommendation—I watched some TikToks earlier, and I found them so relatable.

Oh no no, the consent issue would be a deal breaker for me

Feeling like your boundaries around intimacy aren’t being fully respected is awful, you’re not in an emotionally or physically safe relationship. It’s absolutely not ok to ever feel pressured, or a sense of obligation or dread around sex especially when that’s used as a condition for connection or social freedom.

You’ve asked whether relationships can change. In theory yes, but only when both people are truly willing to be uncomfortable and honest. You mentioned that when you try to talk about these things, your husband takes it as criticism and it sounds like you’ve become reliant on the “status quo” for your own sense of peace. In order to change you both need a shared willingness to look at the real issues, an open and possibly mediated space for communication and a shift from survival mode parenting to rediscovering an adult partnership, even if that’s as co-parents.

If I were you, if you can afford it I’d think about counselling for yourself on your own first to understand what you want, independent of what anyone else expects from you. Then you could try couples therapy but only if your husband is open to hearing you without defensiveness. Either way you need to start reclaiming space for you. Even something small like a coffee with a friend or a walk can be a quiet rebellion against isolation. You have a right to a social life and joy.

And I do think you need to consider how your children are experiencing their home. If they’re growing up seeing one partner sidelined or disregarded, they’re absorbing negative messages about love, power, and boundaries.

Children absolutely benefit from a stable, loving home. Sometimes, the greatest act of love is modelling courage, integrity, and the pursuit of a life that reflects self-respect even if that means starting afresh as a solo parent.

You only get one precious life @alittleskitttle If you knew you’d only got 10 years left on this planet what would you do?

Our sex life was always good and consensual but after our child, I had a lot of birth trauma, I was in pain and exhausted. We never stopped having sex but It got less frequent. It started small, letting me have a lie in for sex, and gradually progressed. If I wanted to go out, if I wanted to buy something for the house, if I wanted him to wash the pots, there would be the coercion to sleep with him, and sulking if I didn't. I now realise I should have put stronger boundaries in place from the start, but I didn't realise how bad it had become until I asked him to stop doing an act during sex and he repeatedly ignored me.
We had a really tough year, but he finally recognised his behaviour and seemed to make a huge change, did a lot of work on himself and I thought we were over it. Then he assaulted me, and it wasn't forgivable. The reaction of my friends when I told them was the biggest turning point.
Only you know if he's capable of changing his behaviour and if you can forgive and move forwards.

Abuse you like you describe is insidious in its onset and can creep up on people unawares.

Children can and do pick up on all
the vibes within the home and they likely know they something is badly amiss between you and their dad. Never assume they do not notice anything because they most certainly do. Denial is a powerful force but you cannot unsee what your H is doing to you here.

Do not stay in such a marriage because if then , they won’t say thanks mum to you for doing that to them.

Biggyswish Thank you for your thoughtful post and advice. I know that how I feel isn’t right, and I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I also recognise that I am not wholly innocent in this situation, and some of my behaviors may have reinforced the transactional feeling of our intimacy. For example, there have been times when I was tired from broken sleep while the children were young, and when he made advances in the evening, I declined. He suggested that if we had intercourse in the morning, I could then have a lie-in, which I agreed to. I also realise that I may have even suggested this myself when I was exhausted. This is just an example of how the situation has crept up on me—it probably became transactional and coercive long before I realised it.

I am definitely going to seek therapy and be open and honest about my feelings. However, I must admit that since posting here on an anonymous forum, I have felt a lot of guilt. I love my husband and want to make our relationship work. As ridiculous as it may sound, it’s painful to see him described or talked about negatively in some of the posts above. I feel that opening up about his negative behaviours feels like a massive betrayal on my part.

You need to practise protecting and explaining your boundaries.
People are all different and of course your husband is likely to think that you feel as he does if you do not express yourself and insist on being respected and listened to.
Counselling could help.
Leaving might not help.
You need to focus more on how YOU want your life to be and you need to live in a happy place which you create by communication and never agreeing to doing anything that you don't want to do..

It is very normal to not feel the same as another person.