Experience of couple's counselling when you feel like you want to separate.

[SassiestPants]

I've been with DH for 18 yrs. On and off throughout the years I've felt taken for granted and unhappy. We have no financial issues, well rounded kids and 'work' well enough together as housemates and parents.

There's no shouting or fighting, just a distance and disinterest between us. We have very little intimacy - I don't only mean sex, no affection, deep conversation or fun between us.

I finally found the courage to raise this and we have now started counselling.
He thinks we have communication issues. I feel depressed because I feel like I'm wasting my life on a man who I'm not interested in and who is not interested in me. I feel like I have been the only one to put any great effort into our relationship in many years and I suddenly had a realisation that I didn't have to, anymore.

It just feels pointless and I don't know if my feelings have been numbed because I am protecting myself or if they have deteriorated to the point I no longer love him.

I have thought far and wide about all that would be necessary to leave and start again and on paper it's possible in terms of finances etc.

I am no longer willing to be the second thought and the one who does everything for everyone.

Has anyone gone through counselling and turned it around or is this more flogging a dead horse? I feel so trapped.

I refused to go for counselling, I knew it would be pointless. I’ve never regretted it.

I personally think when you don’t actually want to be with someone , especially if there’s no attraction left and the love has gone, counselling is relatively pointless - it’s just papering over cracks

I'm so afraid of that. Being 'convinced' it's all OK and that I don't actually really feel like I feel. Complicated by the fact that I wish I didn't feel like this, I really don't want to break up my family but I will if I must because I'm rotting from the inside out knowing that life is passing me by.

Counselling isn’t about making couples stay together. If one party wants to end the relationship then the relationship will still end but counselling can help improve communication and help reduce anger, bitterness and resentment. It “worked” for my friend in that it helped her coparent effectively with her ex but she never at any point after starting counselling wanted to stay with him. Also even if you don’t want to do it might be useful for STBXH, he will be having difficult feelings and it might help him to have some discussions in a neutral environment. It might not help you, but it might help him and it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. You can always try for one session before making a decision about whether to continue. Like many things whether or not it is useful will probably depend on the actual counsellor you have.

Very different situation here but I was very motivated to try to save a relationship where there was a good initial mutual spark which seemed rare enough to me to be worth fighting for. I’ve ultimately had to accept though that, despite this, there are things which make us incompatible in the long-term and we are now in the process of amicably separating. It probably wouldn’t have been so amicable without some outside support.

Thank you. We've had one session and it was a great relief to get some things off my chest. I agree, it'll be worth it whatever the outcome, to move forward each having had our day and to be hopefully understood by each other.

I'm genuinely devastated at the thought of separating but equally devastating to think of us staying together as things are. I never, ever thought we'd be here.

It's a safe space to say those difficult things which can spark conversations even if it's about parting ways. Counselling doesn't have to just be about staying together. It can help with realising you want to split.

We did it. It helped to remind us what we loved about each other in the first place and rekindled our love. That was about five years ago. It really helped

A friend of mine went to counselling with her DH and split up with him very soon afterwards. She said the counselling made her even more certain that they weren't right for each other!

I’m a couples therapist and about 60% in last research split after couples therapy. This is for multiple reasons, leaving it too long and behaviours have become entrenched but also for good reasons like learning how to separate well and go on to have better relationships with others.

If you don't want to stay with him consider the possibility that all the emotions and dirty laundry that gets aired during counselling could actually cause more damage then good...people often think counselling is a fix all but it can cause harm too. I would think very carefully about it and be very clear on what you want if you do decide to do it. Best of luck!

Thank you.. That's interesting. We have definitely had more constructive conversations this week following the first session but I have been clear that I am still very unsure about our future together and hope that this process will help me to work that out.

I want, so badly, to genuinely feel that we can meet each other's needs but at the moment I am really not convinced that we can.

Thanks for the responses.