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Original poster

AIBU- not an ounce of affection on holiday

13 replies

Shleepymummy · 21/06/2025 21:23

Just finished a week holiday abroad with DH and 2 DC. Lovely time but not really a ‘holiday’ as children are both pre school age.
During the holiday, DH didn’t touch me once for the first 4 days. No hand holding, no kissing, no hugs, certainly no sex. Caught him having a w**k in the shower though. Day 5 he was clearly too horny to cope so gave me about 2 mins affection so I would sort him out and then he was done, kids woke up from nap. Back to nothing after that. We haven’t been bed sharing at night due to room dynamics with DC.
It’s really really pissed me off. He’s like this at home a fair bit but you’d think a week with no work or house jobs would make things more relaxed. Felt like his Mum on holiday- tidy up, sort the kids, sort the logistics
for him. As I’ve written this out, it’s made me even angrier.
AIBU? Yes 2 small kids so I get its knackering, but he's made no physical effort with me and he made no effort to help get our kids to sleep at night so we could then get alone time. He almost encouraged our eldest (4) to just stay up until he was ready to sleep and then DH would sleep in with him.
Prick

OP posts:
whackamole666 · 21/06/2025 21:30

He's checked out of your relationship. You're basically a single mother of 3, lose the 15 stone dead weight and you'll only be a single mother of 2.

Original poster
Shleepymummy · 21/06/2025 21:47

whackamole666 · 21/06/2025 21:30

He's checked out of your relationship. You're basically a single mother of 3, lose the 15 stone dead weight and you'll only be a single mother of 2.

Tempting! Should probs bring the situ up with him- more hard work :(

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 21/06/2025 21:57

It does sound like he's avoiding having to spend time with you alone. It could be a phase or soemthing more permanent. I don't think it's possible for anyone to say. Relationships take a lot of work though and he's not willing to put much in it seems.

Bittenonce · 21/06/2025 22:14

YANBU
And yes you need to have that discussion with him - something needs to change. Sounds like he’s not going to be comfortable talking about it, and no man is going to suddenly start to be affectionate and perform on demand: But he needs to start realising that he’s got to find a middle ground between zero intimacy and treating you like a piece of meat. Be ready for some uncomfortable conversations.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/06/2025 22:18

It does not sound good, no.

You need to have a serious conversation/s with him, where you both get to talk, and then come up with a plan for improvement. The early years are really hard but he is taking the piss (and not pulling his weight with the kids by the sound of it).

Don’t let yourself become a function.

Original poster
Shleepymummy · 21/06/2025 22:21

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/06/2025 22:18

It does not sound good, no.

You need to have a serious conversation/s with him, where you both get to talk, and then come up with a plan for improvement. The early years are really hard but he is taking the piss (and not pulling his weight with the kids by the sound of it).

Don’t let yourself become a function.

Any advice on how to start that conversation? Never feels like a good time and I just wouldn’t know how to start it?

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 21/06/2025 22:36

Don’t tell him what to do - tell him how you feel.

PinkPonyClutz · 21/06/2025 22:43

Ask for some time when the kids are in bed - tell him earlier that day you want to make time for a conversation. Then I’d say something along the lines of,

‘I need to talk about something that’s been really bothering me. please don’t brush it off or dismiss it, because it matters a lot to me. I’m feeling really disconnected from you emotionally and physically.
On the holiday, I felt like I was doing everything for the kids, everything to keep the logistics running, and hardly anything about the week felt like a break, especially with how distant we were from each other. I felt like your mother, not your partner.

I’m hurt that you don’t show any affection anymore, and even more worried that you didn’t show any affection or want to have sex when we were on holiday, and when you did show any affection, it felt like it was only when you wanted to use me to get off quickly.
It’s not just about sex though, you make me feel like you don’t want me and like we’re not a team. I miss us. I miss feeling like your person. And I’m angry too, because it shouldn’t all fall on me to hold this relationship and our home together. I don’t want to keep pushing this down and becoming more and more resentful. We need to talk about how we’re living and how we’re showing up for each other, and how we both want that to change.’

Original poster
Shleepymummy · 22/06/2025 05:15

PinkPonyClutz · 21/06/2025 22:43

Ask for some time when the kids are in bed - tell him earlier that day you want to make time for a conversation. Then I’d say something along the lines of,

‘I need to talk about something that’s been really bothering me. please don’t brush it off or dismiss it, because it matters a lot to me. I’m feeling really disconnected from you emotionally and physically.
On the holiday, I felt like I was doing everything for the kids, everything to keep the logistics running, and hardly anything about the week felt like a break, especially with how distant we were from each other. I felt like your mother, not your partner.

I’m hurt that you don’t show any affection anymore, and even more worried that you didn’t show any affection or want to have sex when we were on holiday, and when you did show any affection, it felt like it was only when you wanted to use me to get off quickly.
It’s not just about sex though, you make me feel like you don’t want me and like we’re not a team. I miss us. I miss feeling like your person. And I’m angry too, because it shouldn’t all fall on me to hold this relationship and our home together. I don’t want to keep pushing this down and becoming more and more resentful. We need to talk about how we’re living and how we’re showing up for each other, and how we both want that to change.’

Thank you @PinkPonyClutz , I’ll give it my best shot

OP posts:
KPPlumbing · 22/06/2025 07:07

You're obviously making things more challenging with having separate bedrooms, but I understand that's sometimes necessary. But the lack of hand holding would really bother me. I mean, how hard is that? Especially strolling along in a holiday destination, in a nice sundress - you think it might inspire him.

Sounds like it's time for a big chat with your husband OP.

BeEagerTurtle · 22/06/2025 07:24

DH didn’t touch me once for the first 4 days. No hand holding, no kissing, no hugs, certainly no sex

what happens when you initiate any of these things, does he reciprocate or pull away?

creekyjohn · 22/06/2025 07:40

BeEagerTurtle · 22/06/2025 07:24

DH didn’t touch me once for the first 4 days. No hand holding, no kissing, no hugs, certainly no sex

what happens when you initiate any of these things, does he reciprocate or pull away?

This?

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/06/2025 07:46

What do you mean by "sort him out"? Did he want a blow job or hand job? Fuck that. If he can't show you the minimum of affection then he can keep sorting himself out.

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