I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore

[DeepRubySwan]

This is a long story so bear with me.

I am 45 and my husband is 53, we have two sons age 17 and 10. We have been together 26 years, lived together for 25 of those. There is a long history of sexual rejection, avoidant behaviour, emotional coldness, verbal abuse and some gendered expectations from him towards me. I'm not perfect either but have worked hard on my side of things, done counselling, read multiple sex and relationship books about reigniting the spark, getting him to desire me etc. None of it has worked.

One year ago he started approaching me for sex again after I had lost alot of weight. I was a size UK 10-12 after my second child and am now a 6-8 which is my normal weight. He had not wanted to have sex with me for FOUR YEARS prior to this because of the extra weight. I was repulsed by the idea of sex with him again after so long. He was legitimately overweight with an obese BMI and hadn't worked out in close to 15 years. His come ons were all about my weight. He seemed shocked that I didn't want him. But I just felt we had become friends. During this four years both my parents died from cancer, and our son was diagnosed Autistic. I was working long hours. I was mentally and physically shot.

I have struggled to want to have sex with him on and off for close to fifteen years. He told me other mothers at the school think I dress like a slut ( I don't, I wear professional attire and nice brands) and also had forcefully penetrated me during sex when I wasn't lubricated enough and had told him to wait. Both these things deeply hurt me and I haven't been able to let them go. I saw a psychologist and told her how I felt- that the thought of having sex with him made me want to vomit or cry. I made the foolish mistake of keeping handwritten counselling notes which he found in the car and read. He was clearly very upset and we nearly separated. This was six months ago.

It's now at the point where I don't like him touching me at all. We haven't had sex in a year. The last time I did I felt shaky and upset. I still love him. He is essentially the only long term relationship I've ever had. I'm trying to keep the peace but I just can't have sex with him.

I don't really know what to do. Any perspectives, people who have been there or advice welcome.

TBH it sounds like your marriage is dead in the water. I’m sorry.

'I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore'. That line alone seems very common indeed in long term relationships.

At least you're not going alone with the status quo, as many others do and want to do something about it.

He sounds abusive and he raped you. You sound deeply traumatised and rather than fretting about sex, focus on leaving. Refuge webchat is open till 6pm tonight. You might find the Survivor's Trust helpline supportive.

Hi op, the obvious thing to do, reading your post, is to initiate a separation prior to divorce and I am not one to recommend that a poster “ltb” usually!

As ever, this isn’t really about sex is it? It’s about the fact that he is verbally abusive, emotionally cold, avoidant, misogynistic, and sexually and physically abusive. And he’s not prepared to work on any of these things either by the sound of it! And he doesn’t really appreciate you for you either; only when you fit his weight criteria. He is also a hypocritic bc he doesn’t apply a weight criteria to himself!

He is not a pleasant, respectful, kind person op. I’m surprised that you are still with him tbh. Do you want your youngest to grow up thinking that this is how you treat women? You deserve much better 💐

What did your psychologist say to you? Were they any support?

Your not wanting sex with him is totally reasonable given what you describe.

If this was purely about sex and desire I’d suggest things to work on but with everything you’ve said i think you’re very legitimately feeling like you want nothing to do with him. He sounds horrible. I would make plans to leave personally.

You may love him but his actions have never been loving ones. He targeted you at a young age to abuse you. At 19 you were barely out of childhood.

I would also now focus your energies on leaving your abuser. Your children see you miserable and likely wonder why you are still with him. Do not stay with him
because if a house or them. Rape crisis and Women’s Aid could be of great support also to you.

And forcibly penetrating you when you’d said no is rape. I’m not surprised that has deeply traumatised you and you don’t want sex with him again. He doesn’t deserve you.

He doesn’t sound very nice to you. How does he treat you day to day aside from the sex?

You don’t owe him anything and if he can’t help you feel good about intimacy with him then he’s not the right person to be intimate with. LTB

Thankyou for all the replies so far. I should have qualified all this by saying he is a really good father to the kids, we have alot of intellectual compatibility and a peaceful household. Admittedly there is some walking on eggshells and needing to keep the peace to achieve this
The children are very happy and balanced. I dont want to uproot them or da.age them. Again, I really appreciate everyone who replies and am thinking over this advice.

OP I knew you would be back to defend him. All these things don't negate the abuse he inflicted on you. Abusers don't abuse all the time or you'd be gone a long time ago. It's a cycle and that's why you are still around.

This isn't about sex. Can I ask why you think the kids are happy etc whilst you feel repulsed by him? What makes you think only you walk on egg shells and not the kids?

Do not think for one minute this is the best life for kids. They KNOW there is tension and it affects them. Likely the abuse you are aware of is only the tip of the iceberg. With distance and time you'd probably wonder how you put up with it for so long and you'd come to understand many more things that aren't normal.

I doubt you are ready but I would continue counselling for yourself. Don't make it about marriage issues.

a long history of sexual rejection, avoidant behaviour, emotional coldness, verbal abuse

In secret ie when the children aren't present? Surely that makes his behaviour even worse, it means he's controlling exactly when he's abusive.

A man who rapes his wife cannot be a good father.

He didn't want to have sex when you were a perfectly normal size and he is overweight?

Do your children also have to walk on eggshells? They must see that you are.

Is it just you walking on egg shells or do your children have to do that too.

He has very high, even unrealistic, standards for the women he will have sex with but expects you to have sex with him at his bidding, even though he is actually obese.

Also, he has raped you. All the intellectual compatability in the world won't change that fact.

You need to separate. He can still be a good father to your kids, although I'm not sure why so many women on this board describe the most abusive behaviour, including sexual assault, and then say what a great dad he is. A really great dad wouldn't rape the mother of his children.

OP, you have been in a shockingly abusive relationship for years.
A year ago you submitted to coercive sex which is rape, and a crime.

Your obese pig of a husband is a nasty piece of work.

You are so ground down by him, keeping the peace that you have lost sight of what is normal, respectful and healthy.

Best you separate than allow him to rape you again.
Tell him he is welcome to leave.

You desperately need to speak to Women's aid for advice and support.

Good fathers do not abuse the mother of their children.

Abusers do.

I apologise if that is harsh but you need to advocate for yourself.
I am so sorry things are so hard.

Watch your health in all of this.

You are one of a long long lime of posters who qualify the information that their husbands are abusive raping pigs, by stating they are good fathers.

Good fathers do not rape their wives.

He's a rapist. Don't kid yourself otherwise.
Talk to Women's aid.

You may be eligible for legal aid.

This and I cant believe the first two responses didn't acknowledge that.

He sounds absolutely awful and you sound lovely op.

Please leave him, you're still pretty young in the scheme of things.

And he is not your friend!

He sounds horrible.
He didnt like you when your size was 10-12? Thats awful. What a pig . Especially given he obviously has not kept himself slim.
When your children leave home how will you cope with just the two of you? You have to think longterm staying with him.
Especially after the things he has said and done

Listen to your body.
You are repulsed by him,

This.

Didn’t alarm bells ring when you a man in his late 20s wanted to get involved with a teenager?

In any case, his comments about your weight and how you dress are appalling. Completely unforgivable before you even get to the forceful penetration…

The thing you have to understand is that most bad people will have elements of them that are good or generous, or at least appear that way to some people.

However, that doesn't mean you should tolerate nasty or abusive behaviour in order to get those good things.

I understand how important or appealing intellectual compatibility is, but I don't think tolerating all you've experienced for far to get that is worth it. Such men end up making their wives ill in the end because of the stress and unhappiness they inflict, and you've already gone in that direction because of your reaction to sex with him, and no wonder.

The forced penetration, whatever you want to call it, was treating you like nothing more than an object at best, and a deliberate act at worst.

Then there's the gross double standards he had for his own health an appearance compared to yours, and the clear entitlement he has about that.

It's not nice to consider, but I do think some men like very small skinny women, because that's the closets they're going to get to a young, underdeveloped teen body. I wonder if you look younger than 19 when you met OP, and that was part of your appeal for him.

Also OP - please see the light at the end of the tunnel. Someone needs to hold your hand and help you see that there is a world and emotional life that's beyond him.

It might be a bit of a shock in the first few months, but I think in the end you'll enjoy the feeling of lovely peace you get behind in a house without him, the autonomy you'll gain over your own body, the lightness of not having that weight on your shoulders anymore. Many many women will have come out of similar situations as you, do you won't be alone, even if you don't realise it.