I’m an idiot!

[DandyRoseOctopus]

Hi everyone ☺️

Just want to sound off really. I don’t have any friends (weep weep) so figured I would come here and spill my guts to you lovely people.

I was involved with this guy, met on a dating app, started out as friends then we started dating. We took it slow as we had both been hurt in the past. I was four years out of a DV relationship so understandably was very wary. I really liked him, we got on so well, loads in common, had a laugh together, was going great till all of a sudden I didn’t hear from him. We would text every day but boom no more. I obviously texted and called him but no reply so just figured I’d been ghosted. So began the process of dealing with rejection, something I had to deal with from my ex husband on so many occasions. I wasn’t in love with the guy but I was still hurt. It took me a while to get over the hurt but I eventually got there.

Fast forward to present day and I get a phone call from him explaining why he went AWOL. His reason was believable and I understood why he went quiet. We decided to keep in touch and remain friends. But now those feelings I thought I had flattened are back and I am checking my phone every five minutes to see if he has called or texted. I worked so hard to get myself back to a mangled version of me again and now I am experiencing the same anxiety and emotions with the added fear of him ghosting me again.

Should I have let him in again?!

I should mention that I never thought he was an arsehole during the first run of our relationship (if I can call it that). He was understanding, much older than me so his maturity level was something I never experienced with my ex husband, he was loving, respectful and seemed to genuinely care. That is why the walls came down and I let him in. It’s probably why it hurt so much when he just ditched me.

I don’t know what I want from posting this. I don’t know if advice is required or if I just feel the need to write it down but I just feel like shit again. It’s so frustrating when I got back on track then I am back to checking my phone, wondering why he hasn’t called or texted and wondering if I have been ghosted again.

I feel like I am a little screw up. My ex did a real number on me. I finally plucked up the courage and left him. I packed up our two kids, our two dogs and our hamster (son’s pride and joy 😍) and left with few belongings, moved to a new area and started a new life. But the mental scars are still there and I would imagine they will be there for some time yet.

Sorry for the length of this post but as I mentioned I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this so I have bored you lovely people with my tale of woe 🥴

Thank you for listening to me, hope everyone has a lovely, albeit it very hot day x

You seem to be very attached to someone who couldn’t even send a text to explain they had things going on and wouldn’t be in contact for a while. I think you need to work on yourself and raise your standards before you jump into a relationship. Otherwise it’ll end up being yet another unhealthy one.

I think a lot would depend on his reason for disappearing! Was he actually physically incapable of contacting you? And if you’d ’let down your walls’ with him, surely he’d understand why you needed some consistency and reassurance about his feelings?
You’re not so screwed up - you’re handling things pretty well - but is he really right for you? Part of that is being there for you, surely?

How long did he go AWOL for? Up to a week and he was hospitalised, understandable. Months and he couldn't send one text, he's not worth the head space.

Gonna need to know the reason OP

I would be wary given your history. He's older and ghosted you. I know he came back with a reasonable explanation but he could have been after someone else and when it didn't work out, come back.

What's his reason? Give us a chance to see if we think it's plausible.

Do you believe him?

Is it something that really would make him cut off completely and not find two minutes for a text? Is it something that would fry his brain to the point where he had no headspace?

OP, I would worry about why you don't have any friends more than this random guy. You need more than a romantic relationship in your life - can you get out and socialise a bit more; join some clubs (even online ones), meet some real people, they might not end up as best buddies but diluting your need for someone can help you find the right person to actually be in a relationship with.

Because unless this guy had a stroke which totally immobilised him and meant he couldn't even speak to ask someone else to let you know what happened - then he really doesn't have a good excuse for not dropping you as much as one text (and I'd suspect he'd met someone else who's just dumped him and you are Plan B girl).

The 'reason', whatever it is, is bullshit. He was chatting to other women besides you and dropped you to concentrate on someone else then, when that didn't work out, picked up where he left off with you.

Your gut is telling you not to trust this guy. Please listen.

Unless he was in a coma, he could have sent you a quick text.

IMO he met someone else and when it didn’t work out came crawling back.

for your own MH, block and move on.

Yep, we need to know his reason

What was the reason? I can't think of one where he couldn't/wouldn't have told you that at the time rather than just going quiet.

I know exactly what you mean re the checking the phone. I'm terrible for it, even in the very early stages when you could never say it was a relationship. Current man doesn't always reply quickly, but is so consistent with it, that I feel completely different, all that anxiety is gone. It makes me realise they'd all do it like that if they were serious/not game players.

I'm thinking sneaky git is lying to you met someone didn't work out hasn't had another bite so to speak and he still had your number.

I don’t need to know what his reason his. Whatever it is, it was clearly just plausible enough to allow your ego to let him have another chance. However your ego (and we all have one OP- I’m not saying you are egotistical which is quite different and I’m sure you are not) is only part of your psyche. And deep deep down, if you’re honest with yourself, you don’t believe him. Or you believe him but are still disappointed in his behaviour and quite rightly can’t trust him.
I agree with the other poster who said your gut is trying to speak to you. Please listen. Never ignore your intuition.
You sound lovely and like you could benefit from having some nice friends. It’s hard to start again when you flee a marriage, but I’d bet the farm on you getting more joy and abundance in your life from getting some solid mates right now, rather than romance on the apps.

Unless the excuse was that he was lying mangled at the bottom of a well without phone access then if he liked you he could have sent you a short explanation rather than leave you distressed.

Do not engage further. You are showing him how badly he can treat you and get away with it.

OP was he at the hospital in coma? Was he kidnapped by terrorists without phone access? If nothing like that happened then there is no valid reason for ghosting you.
Relationships should add to our life. It seems like you've built a stable home with your children after escaping DV.
Don't underestimate how precious that is and how easily it can be ruined by the wrong person.
I always say the whole point of dating is too take your time and see if you are compatible. Yes you get your hopes up, you invest time and its sad when things don't work out but it's for the best.
If you're so invested and attached in the beginning of relationship that you obsess about him and miss the red flags then you're not ready to be dating.

Being on your own, focusing on your children, hobbies, friends is so much better then being in bad relationship.

Do try to make some friends or at least engage in some groups, activities etc.
Having a full life and other non romantic relationships is such a protective factor against toxic attachments with men.

Be very aware, this is a common narcissist tactic.

They vanish then come back with a shitty excuse and if you accept the excuse and let you back they know your boundaries are weak.

It's textbook.

There is no excuse.

I suspect he tried 'i was in a really low place mentally and just wanted to shut myself away'.
Even if that was true and he couldn't muster even one text to that effect at the time, why would you keep someone in your life who is so fragile that they could fuck up your mental health too? You are important too. Your wellbeing is important. You don't owe anyone anything that comes at the expense of your own boundaries, mental wellbeing or peace of mind.

Wish him well and block his number.

How much time passed between your first unanswered phone call to him and him calling you now?