Help me know what to do

[DiamondLiz]

If you asked me about my marriage I would be able to tell you lots that’s wrong about it and not much that’s right.

DH gets moody and can be really difficult to live with - but can go for ages being ‘fine’. Even then we don’t have fun. We’ve talked about separating and he says he will if that’s what I want. He agrees it’s not good between us. He’s sleeping on the sofa.

But he’s also acting like everything’s hunkydory - inviting me along to something he’s doing this weekend, coming along to watch something I’m in.

I don’t know if he’s trying to make me think everything is ok, or is putting on a front for other people.

Most of all I don’t know why I can’t act.

I think part of it is not feeling like my feelings are valid. So what if I’m unhappy - I would be breaking up the family. He says I expect too much from him.

And the thing I’m thinking about today - the people I do know in our home town are mainly through him. Like I wish I had someone to go for a drink in the sun with but I don’t know who I’d ask. What if we split up and I’m more unhappy?

Has anyone else felt like this?

Relationships go through ups and downs. Why is he on the sofa? What does he say about his moods?

Yes they do. But we haven’t had any ups for a long time.

He says I expect too much of him.

I just don’t know why I can come up with all these negatives and still lack the confidence to act.

Have a read of too bad to stay, too good to leave. It's helpful at explaining this being stick situation. Might help you work through making a decision. Good luck. It's a common thing to be unsure about whether to end things.

Thanks @wantmorenow, appreciate that. I feel so stupid to not be able to end it, or just accept the relationship as it is. It not made easier by him behaving like everything is ok while I feel overwhelmingly miserable.

I’ll look at that book.

You're being very vague so it's difficult to know what advice to give. If he's abusive then you need to leave. If you're going through a bad patch then you need to communicate. If you both decide that the relationship has run it's course, then you know where you stand. If you both want to work on the relationship, then perhaps counselling is the way forward.

Whilst you're working out what to do, get building your own social network.

The reason I’m not getting into his behaviour is because I want to stop focussing on that rather than how I feel. He’s got a an angry streak in him which comes out unpredictably. It makes me feel small and uncared for. Part of me is waiting for the next incident so I can say ‘see, that’s why I have to end it. But I need to stop being so passive.

My dilemma is why - when that’s been a thing through our whole relationship and even when he’s ‘OK’ we don’t seem to have any connection beyond family admin is it not clear what to do?

I’ve been so caught up in defining his behaviour, but I feel emotionally frozen. How do I get in touch with - and own - my feelings?

Maybe thats how you've been 'surviving' feeling small and uncared for. And it's been awhile and now you realise 'surviving' isn't enough, you want thrive (and why not).

Perhaps the answer is to focus on actions and let the emotions follow. Book a solicitor's appointment and get the ball rolling.

Well everything is okay for him. He doesn't have to take your feelings into account or put any effort into the relationship. He just does what he likes, when he likes. Basically, to be blunt, he doesn't give a shit about you.

I'm sorry, but you are flogging a dead horse here.

One message I got from the book was it's not a scales analogy. The good and bad don't balance each other out ever. Any abuse automatically outweighs any number of "good"s. There are other "bad"s that are automatic "you will be happier if you leave" decisions. I hope it does help even a little. Also please do not take part in any counselling with an abuser, that is also often and very spot on advice on here. Individual counselling yes. Joint never.

To answer your question. I don't think you don't need to get in touch with your feelings. You need to end any relationship with a man who, however rarely, is angry and makes you feel unsafe. No amount of good characteristics will ever outweigh this. It is a deal breaker just like addiction, violence and criminality.

I don't know how bad it is. You sound vague but unsure on here.

Is it him causing this or are you unhappy yourself? I ask because a relative sounded like you and wanted to leave, but it was actually menopause and she was angry at the world.

I'm not diminishing your issues, but just asking will leaving him improve it?

I am peri @InjuryMyArseso it might be affecting me. But I’ve been on HRT for a good few years now. Plus these are issues that have come up periodically throughout our relationship.

Like I say I’m trying to focus on my feelings, which I just can’t get in touch with.

I know he sometimes behaves in ways I shouldn’t have to put up with. But other people don’t see those moods. And he accepts they’re inappropriate but argues he’s fine’ at the moment. He is - so fine the fact we’ve talked about separation doesn’t seem to have affected his behaviour at all. He’s gone off with his mates for the day. He was joking around with the neighbour too earlier. While I feel anxious and unsure.

Abuse is not solely physical in nature.

Who taught you to be so passive? That likely started in childhood.

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world. He's likely all sweetness and light to them. He does not treat his work colleagues like he does you. The image of the wholesome family type is that important to them.

Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares. It's the boiled frog analogy.

When he is alright this is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I think you have become so inured by his abuses of you that you no longer know which way is up and this is where he's wanted you all along. Isolated wand fearful.

He makes you feel like you do precisely because of his behaviour towards you; his abuse is solely reserved for you.

Moodiness is an example of emotional abuse. Your feelings are not at all valid to him.

He wants you to come along with him so he can play the part of Mr Nice in front of his friends. Again image is all important to such types.

At least he agrees (for now at least, he may well change his mind when he realises you are serious) to separate so I would take him at his word. He has broken up the family by his actions and also says you expect too much from him!. The very cheek!.

You do not mention children here but if you are parents the effects of all this on them are incalculable. Do not let this further become their model of a relationship.

Thank you. The words of strangers are really helping me today. He’s off with his friends and I have no plans (he did invite me along - like you say playing a part in front of everyone).

Obviously there’s a part of me thinking I’m crazy and an unpopular social failure.

I just want to say I’m in exactly the same position at the moment and I’m three weeks into therapy which is helping massively. In my case DH is bending over backwards to change, but I don’t trust it will last. If your DH isn’t, I’d suggest your counselling may show you that it’s ok to put yourself first and it’s ok to leave. Good luck, it’s really hard, I’m 52, also live in an area I didn’t grow up in so day to day friends are thin on the ground.

I think you’re me @Kickingasssince72!!

Though I couldn’t say he’s bending over backwards to make an effort towards me, he’s in a good mood.

My counsellor keeps asking me why my feelings aren’t enough for me to act on. And I don’t have a good answer.