Biting my tongue on what I know

[Changingplace]

So I told soon to be Ex ‘D’ H I wanted a divorce a couple of weeks ago, stating I’m not happy, we need to separate, there’s loads of reasons for divorcing, he’s been a complete dick for far too long and I’ve let things slide for a long time for various reasons but now I’m done.

However, I know categorically there’s an OW, but I haven’t told him I know this because I feel like it’ll make him more difficult over dividing assets etc.

Edit, I did confront him pre telling him I wanted a divorce saying I wanted to know who he was constantly messaging, he denied everything, refused to show me his phone (but I guessed his work phone password so now I know - not proud of snooping but I was 100% right and I was already wanting to leave him, but if he knew I’d snooped it’ll give him leverage).

Do people who’ve been in this situation think this is the right approach?? I’m so mad at them both but I have no desire in him thinking I want to fight for him or ‘win’ him back, I just think me throwing this in will backfire on me, am I right or not? I can’t decide!!

I have plenty of evidence, I’m keeping sane by picturing telling him ‘Ha, I knew everything all along’ once everything is finalised??

No kids involved, just us, house to sell and be divided 50/50.

Love and respect quickly turns to hate and spitefulness. Only you know what your husband is capable of and if you think it’s the best approach to keep this under wraps, then I would say do that. Unless you need leverage. Right now he probably feels guilty about the other woman so is playing it nice but once he knows you know and the initial feeling of shame as well off he might turn into full monster mode.

Exactly, I’ve just added an edit but hands up I only know for sure because I snooped his work phone and if he knows that it just gives him something to throw back at me

Would be interested to hear from people who have played it both ways and what they’d do given hindsight

Bump, anyone?

I don’t think either of you will gain leverage when it comes to dividing assets - but it may well affect how amicably you can agree. And of course if it becomes a fight then there will be legal costs all round…. You will know best how to play it with him, but I’d try to get full asset and pension etc disclosure asap and you then decide how you want to split it. If he’s less than forthcoming about details or unwilling to play it your way, that’s the time to use infidelity as the reason for divorce and go full lawyer.

I don’t think asking on here will help, you need legal advice specific to your situation. For what it’s worth, I would keep quiet until divorce finalised and say “hope you are happy with (name of OW)”

I think to a certain extent it's best if you make him realise you're divorcing him because he's a dick and not because he's been unfaithful. You could embellish with things like, you never satisfied me, you're boring etc. Have yourself a bit of fun.

I wouldn't tell him because what would be the point? It would achieve nothing except rile you both up and cause untold hurt. You want a divorce for multiple reasons and as it's no fault divorce now the solicitors or judge doesn't even have to know why. Just stick with "you've had enough, it's time" line.

Telling him now serves no purpose. It will not affect the asset division in the slightest - but it'll make things more tense, as will bring up emotions on both sides.

Clearly, the relationship broke down a while ago already, and the divorce is for the best. Not sure what you'll achieve by telling him at all.

My understanding is if he plans to live with someone that can affect division of financial assets. That would be the only reason I can think of for discussing- but I suppose ideally he might admit to plans without admitting to guilt.

As PP have said, if what you want is the quickest, cleanest break possible, there's no point bringing the OW up as a 'gotcha'.

If you really want him to know that you know, wait until the ink is dry on everything.

There was another thread recently where OP found out her DH was having an affair but was keeping it all under wraps. I can’t remember the title of the thread, but someone else might. It had a lot of advice on.

Personally, I'd keep it up my sleeve for when he inevitably plays victim. 'Changingplace kicked me out for no reason blah blah' then produce the evidence to his family and friends.

This is what I’m thinking, I have plenty of reasons without this but think if he knows I know he’ll just make things more difficult.

And as it can be no fault now anyway I don’t want to make life harder for myself than it’s going to be anyway.

I do want him to know eventually, once everything is finalised and there’s nothing he can do I have plenty of evidence to throw at him, tbh I can just throw her name out if it doesn’t all come out before, and if he tries to say she’s a new girlfriend I’ll take pleasure in making sure his friends and family know the truth.

Thank you, this is what I’m thinking but wasn’t sure if I was overthinking it all, this is a good point.

He’ll love the fact he can play victim and say it’s all my fault (even though the other big reasons are indisputable too) but I’ll keep it to myself for now.

Well when I found out my now ex husband was cheating on me I texted her to tell her as we were still living in the same house i was planning on staying with him and getting him into bed. She asked him to move in with her then and did not at the time tell him i contacted her and as soon as he was out the door i changed the locks. The way i saw it at the time was I had nothing to lose either way and I played on her insecurities. May not work with anyone else but sure as shit worked for me. That was almost 20 years ago and i have never looked back.