Children’s birthdays and in-laws post separation

[RainbowLlamas]

Separating from my husband and currently in the awkward still living together phase. It’s our youngest’s birthday soon and I’m trying to figure out what on earth to do. We are both off so ideally we will have a little celebration in the marital home (I’m moving out) but the issue is my parents who have refused to come up and “pretend everything is okay” and that they will be on edge knowing that it is my stbex’s house. They have also stated how they will be heartbroken and that birthdays won’t be the same ever again.

Do we all celebrate together?
Should I have a separate party a day later for my parents in my own place?

We have agreed that ex and I if we both have the day off that we will always celebrate the children’s birthdays together. I know not everyone does that.

Also in the awkward phase-my parents are used to visiting every weekend to see the children. Do I kick stbex out of the house?! Should he stay and see them. It’s a nightmare!

What does everyone do?

Unless your STBX has been abusive to you, can they not suck it up whilst you still live with him. This is your child’s birthday, it is not about them.

Your parents sound like kids to be honest. Unless they actually think you ex is controlling and abusive to you and the kids and you are to afraid to say you don't want to celebrate your child's birthday with your ex there, they can suck it up and be there for their child and grandchildren.

Surely your parents can just suck it up and attend your child's birthday celebration for your child's sake? Who else will be there? Will your ex-in laws be there? Is that why your parents feel embarrassed?

They seem to be making it all about them and their feelings, not about their grandchild.

Your parents need to grow up and put the kids first, they shouldn’t be making life harder for you when you already have so much on your plate.

My ex in laws tend not to attend the children’s birthday parties, they just usually drop off a present and say a quick hello. My parents keep saying how they will be afraid to move as it’s not my house anymore, I would prefer to celebrate in the marital home and do what we normally do as it’s early days.

I am in a very similar position to you, separated but still in marital home. Kids are 3 and 6, they don't know anything yet and I'm planning on keeping it that way till be have to put the house on the market. Currently stuck waiting on financial paperwork before we can proceed with that. Its not fun tbh.

I would invite your parents but remind them that it is still your home for the time being and your children want to celebrate at home so that's what's happening. It's up to them if thy can be civil to your Ex

They’re making a simple thing very difficult for you, I would say if you’ll be too uncomfortable, don’t come, DC doesn’t need that crap.

Think it’s time for your parents to grow up.

You and STBExH seem to be putting the DC first , and that’s great. Your parents could try following your lead.

Certainly no reason to throw a birthday celebration for them later. Sorry, they are making me angry on your behalf.

It would be nice if your parents can come, maybe explain to them that don’t need to pretend everything is ok, they just need to make a fuss of the birthday child and any other grandchildren. But you can’t force them. It is an awkward situation, effectively separated but still living together. I can understand why they might feel awkward.

FWIW,
“we have agreed that if we both have the day off that we will always celebrate the children’s birthdays together”
You do you, but I would have hated this as a child, even though my parents got on ok. You might think it’s a good idea now as you are newly separated and still living together. But once you separate properly and one or both of you move on, this can be really awkward.

You need to point out to your DPs that this is not about them.

Everyone's priority should be the DC and sounds like you & STBX get that.

Sounds like they would be very difficult if they did come and might be best if they didn't.

Hi OP, I found your thread as I’m going through a similar situation as in I’m separated but still living with husband (not divorced). Did you manage to work things out with parents.

We have 2 DC, and birthdays coming up. DC will be having a birthday at home with us, as well as party with friends that I’ve organised. I’m in the opposite situation where I can’t bring myself to go to his families for an additional birthday celebration (it’ll be DC and in laws birthday) and play happy family.

i do the majority of childcare on a weekly basis, around working full time. Ex is already dating and out on weeknights and weekend evenings. I’m still healing and my main focus is always around the kids and work. Am I being selfish to not go to in-laws for another birthday celebration?

Sorry I have slightly hijacked your thread but just looking for solidarity

You just tell you parents what the plan is, what you and STBX are doing, and it's up to them whether they come or not.

They are making it all about them. Unless there is some huge backstory which means that they can't bear to be near him.

Do what you want and do it once

Your parents are being a bit silly tbh. Just tell them X’s party is at whatever time and date in the marital home. They can then decide to go or not. If they don’t I’d welcome them to call for a visit the following day at your place but I wouldn’t throw another party for their sake

Your parents should be taking their lead from you and supporting you and your DC. This is their problem to navigate around, not yours.

I’m sorry they are making things difficult, could you explain this to them. Say it’s difficult and if they could just go along with it to make things smooth.

When my son and his partner first split up, it was very acrimonious and it was separate bday celebrations although they would both go to anything done with my grandsons school friends. But from about the age of 10 they were able to let the hurt go and do joint activities. My grandson is now late teens and they go with his wishes which is normally a meal with his parents and step parents ( just the 4 of them) plus his girlfriend and then out with his mates. We catch up a few days later with a meal with my son, his wife grandson and his girlfriend.

Your parents being used to visiting every weekend is understandable, but it’s okay to create new boundaries. You're in transition, and routines will naturally shift.
You don’t have to "kick out" your stbex, but you do get to define who is around during your time with the kids. If it’s your time and you’d prefer not to have him there while your parents visit, that’s fair. Just communicate clearly with him and maybe even come up with a schedule that reflects the new reality.