Friends

[WhatcomesafteraRainbow]

I've never had many friends. At school I found girls bitchy, jealous and not very loyal. I got on better with boys as I found them more honest & down to earth. This led to gossip that I fancied them or sometimes they would think I fancied them.
I still feel the same way about boys & girls but I’m married so don’t have male friends. Female friends just don’t seem interested. I’ve been to hen parties and enjoyed them, plenty of people there, travelled to different locations, spent heaps of money and took lots of photos.
At my hen do it wasn’t far away as people didn’t want to travel too far or spend too much. It was calmer, not too much excitement and I didn’t think much chat about me considering usually there might be a game that revolves around memories with the bride. How you know her etc.. none of that. I was the only one who took photos. Did people not want to be there?
I’ve since had miscarriages & I have only 1 friend left- she’s amazing!
loneliness isn’t a nice feeling. I’ve got so many hobbies so I think I’m an interesting person, I don’t understand it.

Well you don’t like women and think that men are better and you are cooler than all the other girls

At school I found girls bitchy, jealous and not very loyal.

Every girl in the school?

Except you of course?

This could be the problem. Women may be picking up on your sense of superiority.

If you dismiss 50% of the population because of bullying from school, you're going to find it difficult. Obviously you can still have male friends, and they're more honest and down to earth so I'm sure your husband won't see them as a threat.

If this stems from bullying at school does it make me a bad person?
girls at school would say im ugly, fat but i never was. I thought i was ugly and fat at the time but i was actually pretty. Does that make me seem superior to think that I wasn’t fat & ugly?

You've put two halves of the population into boxes, which makes you prejudiced.

Boys/men = Honest and down to earth.

Girls/women = Bitchy, jealous and not very loyal.

People are people and when you get to know them, you discover how different we all are.

You say..... loneliness isn’t a nice feeling. I’ve got so many hobbies so I think I’m an interesting person, I don’t understand it.

This is possibly the reason why.

Thank you for your comment,
what is wrong with my statement?

I've already explained what's wrong with the statement.

There aren't really any other words I can use?

With having hobbies?
maybe I misunderstood.

You don’t like women - so why would you expect people you don’t like to like you?

That’s not true, I do like women. I’d like to have female friends but there’s trouble maintaining the relationship.

Yeah, just scroll back and read it (and what others are saying) again.

That will hopefully clear up the confusion.

A lot of people experience bad behaviour but they manage to see it as particular to those people rather than blame a whole demographic.

It’s not about you having hobbies or being interesting, not fat or ugly. You don’t seem very interested in other people for who they are. I have friendships with people who are utterly different from me. They have different opinions interests and experiences. That’s what makes the friendship work. Try and stop centring yourself and focus on them.

I understand how you feel but you won’t get much sympathy and support on here if you admit to not having female friends. I was extremely pretty at school and before anyone tells me I’m a big head I really wasn’t aware of this because I had and extremely unpleasant home life with abuse from my mother and her boyfriend. There were girls who openly bullied me by ignoring and pushing me out of the way, thanking me for giving them something to talk about and always being left me out which has caused a lasting effect. I now have 3 brilliant friends male and female. It takes time and patience to find your people but it will happen. There are some wonderful women out there and when you find a good person you can trust it leads to the most valuable and enjoyable relationship. It’s hard when you have little confidence and don’t enjoy small talk and socialising but hang in there.

I feel exactly the same same as you poppet, there just doesn’t seem to be any loyalty anymore!!!! I recently lost my best friend due to gossip from a gay ex friend of mine too it was so upsetting…. But hey you come into this world alone and you’ll go out alone so sod them!!!!

At school I found girls bitchy, jealous and not very loyal - All of them? Really?? I am a girl and I am none of those things and neither are my friends.

I’m married so don’t have male friends - The two are not mutually exclusive. I have some male friends and I am married.

Thank you for your comments.
sorry to read about your experiences, nasty comments make adult life hard.
I reflect a lot so I’d like to understand how I am as a person. It’s difficult when I can’t watch myself. I’d like to learn how to become a more interested person in others. Some people are very good at remembering what everyone else has been up to, is that good memory? I think I’m better at deep conversations than remembering that someone got a new front door, for example.

wow, mumsnet isn't a very compassionate place. Unbelievable!

@WhatcomesafteraRainbow I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult time at school, and yes loneliness is hard. I don't know if it brings you any solace but even those with loads of friends feel lonely.

It’s not good memory, it’s genuine interest. When someone is telling you about their new front door, don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say next, listen to what makes them happy about their door, or why they’re a bit worried they painted it the wrong colour, or whatever they’re communicating.

This is just not my experience with girls / women at all. Of course there are always a handful of unpleasant characters - but that applies to males and females, although their 'style' of unpleasantness can vary, agree in girls / women this can be being 'bitchy' / unkind.

I feel like saying women are jealous is something that has been used to put women down. In my real life, my friends have always been my biggest champion and when good things have happened they celebrate me and they are always forthcoming with praise and compliments. So again, my experience is the opposite - my friends have a positive impact on my confidence and self esteem.

I'm wondering if because you have a negative blanket view of women as a whole, that somehow comes across in your interactions and is a barrier for you forming deeper connections? A bit like someone who doesn't really like kids, might just fake 'making nice' with them to keep up appearances? If that's the case, women may be able to pick up on it.

Not sure what advice I can give, other than to maybe try and reframe how you view women as a whole. If you're anticipating the negative, that's what you'll likely to manifest. Try and anticipating the positive when it comes to forming friendships with other women. Imagine they all have the same potential to be as lovely and supportive as your one special friend that you have in your life now.

@WhatcomesafteraRainbow I would also just add that listening is a skill. I had to do a work thing once which involved listening skills and we were all like 'oh I don't think I've been listening properly' lol. I probably still don't!

Yes I guess that is true, anyone can feel lonely.
it could be that I attract unkind women?
i make friends with the same kind of women?
I have had male friends but it’s turned to them flirting before or when they get a girlfriend or marry it all stops, I think understandably. Even a female friend I had at work once- was a lesbian & told me she loved me so that friendship stopped.
I'm misunderstood a lot in life.

I really enjoy the company of women and have a lot of female friends. I went to a girls school, had a sister and was raised by my grandmother and mother. My dad left in my teens. As a result, I have an immediate connection with women and I feel I'm hardwired that way, although my most favourite person is my DH and he has been so for the last 26 years. Where I identify with you is that I don't seem to be able to connect to men but I don't really want to either bar for a handful and even then only on a superficial level.

I think it's OK to feel more 'at home' with men or women but I think we have to take responsibility for the disconnect rather than place it at others people's door. I know my relationship with my dad has influenced how I feel about men but rationally I know not all men are the same (like my dH) and not all women are like the bullies you encountered at school

Feels like some of the posters here could have been your school bullies. Being bullied at school can impact you for life. You’re lucky if you (or your kids) never experienced it. Feel for you OP.

I don’t think OP said anywhere she doesn’t like women as a demographic.

And I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages OP (been there myself) and can say from personal experience that a lot of my female and male friends disappeared during my infertile years. When DH and I adopted, a few tried to reappear but we decided on a new chapter and relocated!