I don't want another child

[Cos100]

Has anyone else been in the situation where you don't want a second child but your partner does? It's a very touchy subject so I try to avoid it. Now and again someone brings it up in front of DP and I and it feels a bit tense. He's always wanted 2 kids. I always thought 1 or 2 but I struggled so much during pregnancy, child birth and motherhood in general that I couldn't even contemplate having another child. I'm pretty certain I won't ever change my mind either. DP said he accepts that but it doesn't mean he has to be happy about it. However, I worry that he could grow to resent me and in my moments of awful low self esteem I worry he could leave me years down the line to have another child (he's already reassured me that won't happen). It's a difficult situation because obviously we want different things, but imo it's not worth splitting up over, so what to do?

I think really the “what to do” is up to him & how he feels more than how you feel. You’re happy and content with the family you have, you have no desire to change it, so you’re happy with life as is. He’s the one who isn’t happy and would like to add another child, so it’s up to him to think & decide whether his want for another child is great enough that he would walk away from your family/relationship to try and have that other child.

Unfortunately there’s no guarantee he won’t, but then there is never that guarantee. All you can do is keep talking to each other, and give time to think.

Can you put it off? Like, not now but not necessarily never?

In the case of other people asking if be non-committal, give a 'maybe' kind of response or a 'dc is keeping us busy/lot going on bla di bla'.

I absolutely wasn't ready for/didn't want another child when dc1 was small. Was definitely going to be an only. Then after maybe 4 years, I guess as school was approaching I thought another would probably be ok. Took another couple of years of not trying but not preventing, what will be will be kind of thing for dc2 to show up, and honestly at that point either way would have been fine.

That was all quite some time ago but I remember dh being reassuring that it was really up to me, as the one who'd have to go through pregnancy and birth. He'd always assumed we'd have 2, being one of 2 himself and his cousins all being pairs or more, but a home with me and one child was preferable to multiple children.

I'm not really sure from your post if you've ever talked to him about this. Are you stringing him along? You need to tell him how you feel.

No I've said multiple times that I don't want another child. He knows this, he is just upset about the decision and when it's brought up, it's a touchy topic. I'm not sure if there's something that I can do. But as the first poster said, I suppose this is up to him to decide what he wants to do. Hopefully he is content enough with both of us even in years to come.

This has come up on this site several times from the other side i.e. the person who does want another child. Generally the consensus is that the person saying no has every right to and it should be respected however sad that may be as no one should have a child they don't want. The person who says no is only the asshole if they string the other person along or is non committal and gives the other person baseless hope. Be clear that you do not want another child and it won't happen with you. Umming, ahhing and prolonging is cruel. (Not saying you are doing that).

It is then up to the other person to decide what they want to do. For example I love my husband but if he had said no to any kids, I would have ended the relationship. We now have 2 and want a third. If he turned around and said no, I would be disappointed but would respect it and not end the relationship. That would be my choice. I would only be the asshole if I held onto that resentment and let it fester and took it out on him.

It's difficult when you want different things. I'm not going to try to convince you to have another child if you don't want one, but is it that you don't want another child or is it more the pregnancy/childbirth/baby stage upheaval of becoming a mother that's a problem? I would say that every pregnancy and childbirth is different (my second was definitely much better than my first) and you've already done the big adjustment to having a child so having a second one isn't the same at all.

There are advantages and disadvantages to being an only child and to having a sibling too.

I think perhaps what I'm saying is don't have a child you don't want and definitely don't have a child to keep someone from leaving you, but consider whether it's the bad experiences you had that's actually stopping you.