New parents and DH seems unhappy

[sensecheckmama]

We have a 6 month old DS who is the light of our lives, married for 2 years and together 6. Very much wanted and wished for after a couple of previous losses. I was anxious through pregnancy and this translated to postpartum anxiety. I was fine for the first three months or so but from there (so past few months now) I have been steadily getting more anxious and I suppose not addressing it through being so busy, putting it to one side and fear of the stigma. My main worries relate to cleanliness, sterilising bottles enough and now making sure food is safely served now we have just begun weaning. I understand that if I don’t address it my baby will start to notice and that’s why I am so keen to sort it out. I am so busy all the day with our baby and love every minute but do feel overwhelmed and touched out by the end of the day. Sometimes this means I might be short with DH without meaning to be, e.g. if he calls me while on a break at work and I’m trying to wrangle baby into his pram or fly round the kitchen cleaning up plates from lunch whilst stopping baby rolling across the lounge and simultaneously being desperate for the loo… I know all of you will understand the pace of that and how it can be a lot.

DH helps A LOT and has done the majority of the housework and chores since I had the baby. This is because my baby won’t go down in the cot in the day, I’ve tried and tried, so there is limited I can do when I’m on my own with baby other than basic things like dishwasher and getting through some laundry sometimes.

He seems fed up, anyway. He has started a conversation and said he feels disconnected and withdrawn because I am regularly stressed, and he thinks it should be getting easier now rather than like this. He is worried about how much extra strain it will put on us when I return to work (very part time) in a few months, as I have a high stress job. He feels like nothing he does is good enough and I scrutinise everything and don’t just leave him to it when he’s trying with the baby — very guilty, I think a lot of this is me thinking I know best when I know I definitely don’t. I do also sometimes express resentment if sleep has been unequal and I think resentment is coming out a lot. He’s saying a lot of generalised stuff like ‘I don’t see any of it changing’ and ‘this isn’t anything new, you’ve always been anxious at times’ and ‘I’m not sure how we move on from this’

It all seems really drastic but maybe it is genuinely just that I have been blind to the impact of my anxiety and the way that is presenting on him, the toll of constantly listening to me be worried about stuff must be quite great?

I listened when he first brought it up and told him I recognised what he said. I have also referred myself to talking therapy now so that should help. I am trying to make small changes and appreciate things louder than I resent others. He keeps repeating ‘I can’t see any of it changing’ and just seems really blank about it all. On the third time of him saying something similar I did react and tell him although I recognise my anxiety having an impact on him is massively unfair, I am also a fairly new mum and dealing with a huge hormonal and emotional change which he doesn’t seem to acknowledge in these situations. His argument is that he does see that and that’s why he’s left it so long without saying anything but he feels like he can’t do anything right and all I do is resent him.

I really don’t know what to do. I should’ve addressed the anxiety sooner but we are where we are. We’ve both acknowledged that our identities have totally changed now we are parents and he says that change doesn’t always align well… whatever that means!!

Feeling really stressed. I know this is probably common.

Hopeful bump

Request therapy and speak to someone who can help with your anxiety. Should be swift response as still in trenches of post partum. Good luck 🍀

This is very common, parenting is hard work and adjusting from zero kids to parenting a baby is a HUGE undertaking.

Often, these kind of conversations is the new dad saying (in a roundabout way) “I miss my old life of less stress, more sleep, more sex, more free time and very few responsibilities.”

And my god, don’t we all?

But he signed up for this parenting lark, just as much as you did.

Men also tend to get the bulk of their emotional care from their partner, where women often get this from other areas; female friendships, family members etc. And when a new baby comes along, demanding emotional care and draining all that from the mum so there’s none left over to give to their spouse, it hits them hard, and they feel bereft, whilst most women are thinking “Dad’s stopped being the sole focus of mum? No shit Sherlock, what did you think would happen?”

In short, whilst you shouldn’t ignore cries for connection from your spouse, he also needs to woman-up a bit and realise you both have other priorities right now.

As an experiment, I’d wonder if shagging him a few times would make him happier, but you would have to want to do that obviously 🤷‍♀️

In reality you do need to make time for yourself as a couple if you want your marriage to be a happy and a good one; is that possible? Date nights? Time together with the telly off, the baby asleep and just talking and cuddling and ignoring the To Do list for a bit? Those kind of things would probably help.

But honestly, he should have been expecting this and prepared himself for a bit of emotional distance with a new baby in the house and adjust his expectations accordingly.

Thank you xx

DH and I argued so much in the first year and were constantly irritated with each other. We both really struggled with the loss of sleep, free time and couple time.

It does get easier as baby gets older and especially when you get your evenings back and you can at least watch something together and cuddle on the sofa.

When you are back at work and DS is in nursery I would recommend booking occasional annual leave days to spend with DH. Made a massive difference to DH and I as we have no family support.

Definitely get therapy for the anxiety and best of luck :)

Things will get better OP, it's good that you have booked in for some talking therapy to address your anxiety especially around the hygiene issues where it sound like you are over vigilant and could do with some advice and reassurance so you don't get overwhelmed. Both you and your husband are adjusting to the new normal so try to relax a bit at home and not worry too much about tidyness etc. It's really not a priority.
Good luck with the therapy, l sure that will help you. Things do change, despite what your DH says and soon your baby will be sleeping through so you have a bit more time to relax together.

OP, have you shown him your post? Reason I am asking is its very insightful into how you are feeling and the honesty of it all. He might need to read it rather than hear it.

I am sure he was as excited as you were with your DS arrival, but the reality for a lot of men too is that they feel left out of it all, it becomes team mum and baby and dad looks on in, and with your DH taking on the practical stuff like cleaning.

You do need to speak to someone. Snapping and snarling is never going to bode well long term with anyone. It will grind the most resilient of people down and put a damper on things at home, even on good days.
Make him feel important, , and no it does not mean sex per say, but perhaps something the two of you liked before the baby, like his fave food? the child needs to learn to wait as well, and staying on high alert of anxiety will wear you both down, so perhaps seeing you are aware of it, do something about it, not just mention you are aware, intentionally do something, talking to your GP is a good start, or middwife? Nurse? Make time for each other. Get to know one another again as both of you have gone through life changing chapter as individuals, as having a baby is an intrusion into what you both knew prior to DS. So make time for each other.

This is, to a certain extent, pretty normal, but your dh certainly isn’t helping things much, is he?

I found 6-12 months the hardest bit. I also had PPD with my 2nd and yes, it did just magically go away one day, but closer to a year. If you are looking into therapy, I’d look to CBT or solution focused hypnotherapy rather than traditional talking therapy.

What it sounds like your Dh is saying is that HE finds it hard, not you, actually. You will get better. Parenting will get easier. But it won’t go away and he is grappling with this being his life now. And it’s a bit rubbish to put that on you.

I actually found with both of mine that things DID get easier when I went back to work. I got a break. I got to think again. I had to hand over control in a way. I got to be me again and eat meals and drink coffee and use the toilet alone. It was great. But your dh will have to be a full partner in carrying the load, which he isn’t used to yet.

Your OH sounds concerned about you. As you recognise that your anxiety is central to this it would make sense to seek help for this.
All new first time parents have anxieties but it does sound as though yours are having a really bad impact on your lives.
One way in which this can undermine a relationship is the temptation to impose those anxieties on a partner so that, however hard they are trying to help with the baby, whatever they do does not come up to the standards you impose on yourself ... he can start to feel there is nothing he can do right. So he will be feeling frustrated with it all.
If you can begin to relax a bit and let him join in the parenting it would be a good thing.

Dad's often do things a bit differently but that does not mean they are doing it wrong!

Start by talking to your GP. There will be a way forward but you need to take that first step.

My wife went back to work and our DD went to nursery from 7 months (we tried at 4 months).

We both needed normality alongside our new normal.

I think you would definitely benefit from some support with your anxiety. You and your baby and your husband will all benefit. Dealing with all of the changes of being a new mother is exhausting and it is very common for parents to get overwhelmed by it all but you are describing a level of anxiety that probably goes beyond that which is very treatable these days and dealing with that will help everything else.

Keep talking. Make sure you let him know how much you appreciate him as it sounds like he’s a good man. We all need positive feedback.
On the practical side. I couldn’t put my firstborn down as I couldn’t bear her crying. Things got a lot easier when I tried controlled crying at about 6 months and managed to convince myself I wasn’t scarring her for life by letting her settle herself in her cot or pram. Then I could sort myself and the house and feel a bit more human. It must have been more pleasant for DH to come home to a tidy home and dinner sorted. I don’t mean 1950s housewife. Just a sense that you will both be OK.

It sounds like you are being made the problem, OP, but your husband should be supporting you to feel less anxious not adding to your worries. There's a risk that he makes you into "the problem" and you take on that role of someone who needs fixing in some way, while he gets to ignore his part in it all.

Yes have some therapy but it could also help you work out what you need from your husband to feel more supported and less stressed. He might need to grow up a bit and accept the changes that come parenthood, and stop sulking about not having all your attention and emotional energy.