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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner in the wrong or me?

25 replies

ChandlerJ354 · 18/06/2025 22:16

Will try to make this as short as I can, looking for some advice, partner thinks he’s constantly in the right,
Currently in a 6 year relationship. No commitment, don’t live together but I do spend a lot of time at his place. He wanted me to move in but I don’t feel confident not having my own home as he is not offering any commitment. (He owns quite a lot of properly and his own business so think it’s down to hearing horror stories) He also has custody of his Son who doesn’t see his Mother. When I am at his house, he cooks generally, does the food shopping, I clean the house, do the laundry and wash up after all meals, parent his child who is really left to his own devices if it was down to his Dad. As soon as your back is turned he’s upto no good. He says that I don’t contribute enough to the relationship?! This absolutely infuriates me. He just cannot see that I feel I do more than my fair share for the situation we are in. I feel he is expecting me be a wife and Mother to him and his child for very little in return for me. Currently staying at my own place because I’ve simply had enough. We fall out constantly because of his lax attitude to parenting and the Son playing up. Makes constant excuses for his sons bad behaviour Partner is also a workaholic, Too add, he also is a dismissive avoident. Very emotionally unavailable and unable to communicate well in a relationship, good at gaslighting me into believing that I am the problem due to me constantly going off at him about Sons behaviour, or bringing up any issues we have. I think I already know the answer. But would appreciate other peoples views and input. The option I think is to just walk away. I’m fed up of having the same arguments over and over again. Wearing me down.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 18/06/2025 22:20

In your position I would finish it. He just wants a silent maid.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2025 22:21

You and he need to be apart permanently. Do not waste another 6 days, let alone 6 years, on such a rubbish relationship. Value yourself more and read Women who love too
much by Dr Robin Norwood.

OneFineDay13 · 18/06/2025 22:37

and your with him why?...

ChandlerJ354 · 18/06/2025 22:41

OneFineDay13 · 18/06/2025 22:37

and your with him why?...

I do love him. He is a good man generally, but has his issues, as I do. Just want him to realise sometimes that he’s the one in the wrong.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 18/06/2025 23:00

So you are cleaning your own home and then going round to clean his? What does he do for you apart from cooking? He is onto a good thing isn't he but still looking for more !

ItsMutinyontheBunty · 18/06/2025 23:04

It’s him. He sounds extremely critical and makes you miserable.

Imanonymoushere · 19/06/2025 02:26

He is a good man generally, but has his issues
Well there certainly doesnt sound anything positive about him in what you said about him OP.

Apart from.anything else his DS is always going to be in his life. So the fact he is one of the main issues you argue about then this conflict isn't going to be resolved.

And really OP it doesn't sound an equal relationship. It sounds as though you would be much better ending it.

mondaytosunday · 19/06/2025 03:14

If he’s over at yours does he do laundry and house clean? No? Then why in the world do you do that at his?
He’s not ‘a good man generally’. He doesn’t parent his child and treats you like a housekeeper. Consider your options.

outerspacepotato · 19/06/2025 03:24

He wants a bangmaidnanny to work for free and no commitment. Being his cleaning lady and having sex with him isn't enough for this guy, you're supposed to be raising his kid too.

What a shithead. He's a shitty dad and a shitty partner. Stop lying to yourself that he's generally good, he isn't. He wants a livein gf to do everything domestic he doesn't want to including parent and if you moved in, he'd probably have you paying him money while you do the work and raise his kid.

Hell no.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 19/06/2025 03:39

This doesn’t sound like a relationship that benefits you. It sounds like a relationship where he uses you for your service and then has the audacity to suggest you’re not doing enough despite you playing the role of cleaner and nanny etc. If I were you I would end it as soon as possible. If you’re not there yet though have you tried just stopping doing it all? I’m sure he’d realise how much you were doing for him when it suddenly wasn’t available.

Lettuceleafy · 19/06/2025 03:49

ChandlerJ354 · 18/06/2025 22:41

I do love him. He is a good man generally, but has his issues, as I do. Just want him to realise sometimes that he’s the one in the wrong.

Your issue is being with a twat. Run for the hills.

Steph4ne · 19/06/2025 03:50

A quote I live by…”If he wanted to, he would”

If he wanted to marry you, respect you, listen to you, value you… he would

You deserve better than him and what he is offering. Expecting anything different is not going to happen. You can’t change someone else, please don’t get stuck any longer hoping for change because it’s not going to happen (even if he tries to keep you by pretending for a while).

He’s shown you what he is like. Are you happy living like that for the rest of your life? Because if the answer is no, then move on.

Newnamehiwhodis · 19/06/2025 05:42

Do not stay with a dismissive avoidant. They will never change- they only get worse. Run while you can.
he says you’re not doing enough? My God, that would be it for me- that’s so incredibly stingy of him.

he can fuck right off, wanting to offload parenting onto you.

bin the creep

SparklyGlitterballs · 19/06/2025 06:08

So what exactly is he wanting more of from you in this relationship? He's already got a housekeeper/nanny that he can sleep with.

He really isn't a "good man generally" from what you've said. You're wasting your time with this one and after 6 years I doubt he will change. Time to move on.

Daffodilsarefading · 19/06/2025 06:12

He is using you. Leave.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 19/06/2025 06:18

Why the feck are you cleaning his house and doing his laundry? What exactly do you get from this relationship? Why don’t think he wants there full time - to do it more?

you know being with no one is better than being with someone who treats you badly.

nothing about him from your description suggests “good man”

whynotmereally · 19/06/2025 06:19

Just because he can be nice to you at times doesn’t mean he is a good man. He won’t change, people do not change for other people. He wants you to be a mother to HIS kid, clean HIS house , have sex with him and don’t complain.
Understandably this doesn’t work for you. If you want you can sit him down and tell him it’s unacceptable and to stop. Give him a chance to change his ways, but it’s highly unlikely it will work. In that case you have 3 options-
1, continue as you are
2, be what he’s asking you to be
3, end the relationship and move on

Guavafish1 · 19/06/2025 06:40

It’s ok to love someone….But it’s not the right relationship.

I agree with all comments, your partner will not change…. He will not commit or become a better parent.

I think you’ve tired you’re best… it’s nows the time to let it go with no hard feelings and love present. It’s just not for you. You want and deserve more.

GreyCarpet · 19/06/2025 06:56

ChandlerJ354 · 18/06/2025 22:41

I do love him. He is a good man generally, but has his issues, as I do. Just want him to realise sometimes that he’s the one in the wrong.

But is he a good partner? It doesn't sound like.it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Neemie · 19/06/2025 07:00

If you want to be treated with respect don’t slip into being an unpaid skivvy. The relationship doesn’t sound much fun for you.

Bittenonce · 19/06/2025 15:54

Of course he wants you to move in - childcare, cleaning, laundry and sex all then available 24/7. Then you’d lose your independence and he still wouldn’t commit.
If he is so avoidant- ask yourself if this relationship is really going to develop and last? If it isn’t, dont waste more of your best years on it.

fionagrace · 23/11/2025 12:19

ChandlerJ354 · 18/06/2025 22:16

Will try to make this as short as I can, looking for some advice, partner thinks he’s constantly in the right,
Currently in a 6 year relationship. No commitment, don’t live together but I do spend a lot of time at his place. He wanted me to move in but I don’t feel confident not having my own home as he is not offering any commitment. (He owns quite a lot of properly and his own business so think it’s down to hearing horror stories) He also has custody of his Son who doesn’t see his Mother. When I am at his house, he cooks generally, does the food shopping, I clean the house, do the laundry and wash up after all meals, parent his child who is really left to his own devices if it was down to his Dad. As soon as your back is turned he’s upto no good. He says that I don’t contribute enough to the relationship?! This absolutely infuriates me. He just cannot see that I feel I do more than my fair share for the situation we are in. I feel he is expecting me be a wife and Mother to him and his child for very little in return for me. Currently staying at my own place because I’ve simply had enough. We fall out constantly because of his lax attitude to parenting and the Son playing up. Makes constant excuses for his sons bad behaviour Partner is also a workaholic, Too add, he also is a dismissive avoident. Very emotionally unavailable and unable to communicate well in a relationship, good at gaslighting me into believing that I am the problem due to me constantly going off at him about Sons behaviour, or bringing up any issues we have. I think I already know the answer. But would appreciate other peoples views and input. The option I think is to just walk away. I’m fed up of having the same arguments over and over again. Wearing me down.

What exactly are you getting from this relationship? It sounds like you’re a maid and substitute parent. It’s his child not yours. I think you need to end this and move on.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/11/2025 12:24

GreyCarpet · 19/06/2025 06:56

But is he a good partner? It doesn't sound like.it 🤷🏻‍♀️

We hear this a lot on these threads about awful men - "He's a good man/partner/Dad" when all the evidence is that he's nothing of the kind.

What makes him "good", OP? Because I'm failing to see it from all that you've said. He's a complete user - no wonder he wants you to move in!

Bananalanacake · 23/11/2025 12:37

Set some new ground rules,,,suggest you meet for a date once a week and stay at his once a fortnight, while you are there you will not be looking after his son,
see how quickly he's on the lookout for a new live in nanny and housekeeper.

Cherrysoup · 23/11/2025 14:29

He’s not a good man, I am amazed that you think this. He expects you to clean up after him, physically and metaphorically. You are not his child’s mum or his maid.

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