Family Betrayal

[betrayalboo]

Hello everyone,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1.5 years, we are 23 & 23.

We have had it very smooth sailing the first year (no arguments, probably just honeymoon phase)

He hurt his arm in february during football, limiting him to playing meaning the wednesdays and thursdays we spent apart, we have spent together. We 100% slipped into a pattern of being together daily, realising now that we massively got on top of each other causing bickering over silly things.

He rents a house with his brother (31) who is very immature for his age, almost “girl” like with the way he gossips to others and insecure about his current state in life (partying all the time)

We recently found out his brother has been feeding back all our bickers and arguments to their other siblings who have then fed this back to their parents (all discussing our bickers and arguments) probably out of care but this was never brought up to us? they have also been massively exaggerated and twisted (probably for a bit of gossip as he loves to talk and unwind others lives) - i feel betrayed as does my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend had had an argument on the friday night which led to him going to his parents for the night for some space, which is then when his dad confronted my boyfriend about the last couple of months of bickering and voiced his concerns.

I now feel incredibly awkward to be around his family and go to his place as his brother is there. They are an incredibly close family and all up in each other’s business a lot.

I feel as though i’m going crazy, bickering is normal in a relationship i thought? especially when spending so much time together, this goes for anyone you spend too much time with to be fair.

We have decided to have some space this week and not see one another until the weekend, i haven’t seen him since our argument that night.

I worry that things have changed now and won’t be the same for a while or ever again? i will be more mindful of what i say as i don’t want to feel judged or be gossiped about, leading me to feel fake.

Help.

It sounds a pretty miserable relationship. Are you sure you want to continue with it? That lack of privacy would do my head in!

It’s really not normal to bicker all the time OP. Also his family sound a bit much have a good think while you are apart if this is right.

Just don’t hang out with his brother so much.

We have only began bickering since being incredibly on top of eachother in the last 2 months, which is partially to do with me too. I can be hot headed but only because i care. This week i have really missed him and come to terms with factors about myself i don’t think i realised before hand. However, these are teething problems that i think we will address. It is just his family i now worry about and his dependence on them.

Difficult when they live together, our bickering is down to things like what to have for tea and it’s been massively exaggerated by his brother to their siblings/parents. Clearly because he is slightly miserable with his own life, it makes him feel better.

Kindly OP, why are you pinning all of this blame on the brother. It's not like he's making this stuff up out of thin air, is it? I get you say some of it is exaggerated but your DP is obviously airing things to his DB, who is then going on to share a version of that with the wider family. It could be for drama or it could actually be out of concern.

I personally think its your DP you need to be talking to about what he is or isn't saying. Also this regular bickering isn't really healthy behaviour.

Or maybe you're making him miserable with the bickering? It must be really tiresome to have to be around a couple who argue over every little thing like what to have for tea. And it sounds like it's constant enough for him to be worried about his brother being in a relationship with you.

Bickering isn’t normal. I always think that if you wouldn’t talk to someone else like that (a friend, a work colleague, a member of the public) then you shouldn’t talk to your partner like that. My DB and SIL used to regularly bicker. I didn’t notice it so much until they moved in with us. Constant sniping and eye-rolling and tutting and puffing. I used to wonder why they’d got married, they obviously didn’t have much respect for each other. It really is abnormal and I’m not surprised that his family are concerned.

“I can be hot headed but only because I care”

If this was a man saying this he would probably be labelled as abusive.
Bickering isn’t normal, if you can’t spend an extended amount of time together then how do you plan to live together in the future? If the arguments are getting to the point where he is leaving to cool off then I don’t think that’s a good sign at all.

Maybe if you describe the figuring more we can get an idea of what sort of level of discord you are talking about

It really shouldn't be this hard work 18 months into a relationship, especially when you don't even live together. Imagine how you'd be after 5 years of being together, if you were living together, maybe even had kids? You should still be in the honeymoon phase, not arguing to the extent he needs to leave and go home, or have a week apart from one another to cool off. Either you're just not compatible with each other, or one (possibly both) of you aren't mature enough for a serious relationship.

You are bickering a lot. And it must sometimes be more than bickering if it leads to him leaving his home to get away.

His DB is sharing his concerns with other family members out of concern.

I think that a week apart is a good idea. You both need to cool off, decide if this is the right relationship for you, and then learn how to communicate without bickering.

I agree that couples need time apart, but constant bickering and arguments are not normal, at all. Many long-term couples never argue.
To be honest, OP, it all sounds a bit miserable - wouldn't you be happier if the two of you just split up?