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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU in thinking this isn't normal?

4 replies

CoffeexChocolate · 18/06/2025 18:12

I have been married for 4 years and have a son who is nearly 1.5. I feel like this may be the end of the road as our marriage doesn't feel like a marriage anymore. I feel burnt out, exhausted, under appreciated and under valued. I do everything round the house from cooking and cleaning to the food shopping and taking my son to nursery and different activities and going to work.

My husband works 5 days a week and two days from home, he will watch our son on a weekend either sat or sun when I pick up extra shifts at work but that's about it. I do the nappies, putting him down for naps amongst everything I noted above. Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to show me some appreciation. There is nothing there in terms of affection, love, care just nothing. He's not mean as such but just cold and distant. Im getting tired of it and want out. I've approached him about it more than 10 times over the past few months but everything I get "oh that's what happens when you get married after a while it all dies down" or "this is me I dont show my emotions to people" or "oh all you do is moan about this and moan about that you're never happy". All I want is a hug someday and that's too much to ask. I used to initiate the affection random cuddles here and there and stuff but when its not reciprocated I feel like im throwing myself at him which makes me sick. He's never complimented me, ever, apparently that's not something he does, however he's so quick to point out when someone's wrong with the way i look or what im wearing etc.

I look back at my life before I got married, I was a fun loving bubbly person. I no longer know that person. I'm down all the time feeling insecure feeling like im not worthy of someone to be "nice" to me. We dont even sleep in the same room since his scoring got so bad, but I told him there's things he can do about it not just take his things and sleep on the sofa.

I want to take a break and go away somewhere for a week or so over summer to my sisters abroad or my brothers in wales, but even that will be a show and dance since I can't take our son away for too long as he "gets down on his own" and "he gets into his own head"

Am I exaggerating or is this the way it becomes when you get too comfortable in your roles in a marriage?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 18/06/2025 21:25

Noooo not normal and don't stand for it or you've got a lifetime of misery ahead of you. Yes, parents of young kids are shattered and burnt out, but that doesn't mean they can't be kind to eachother and have a cuddle while washing up even if you're both too tired for sex.

Pollqueen · 18/06/2025 21:44

No, not normal at all. Good relationships take constant work from both sides. Your "D"P obviously thinks that once he's got a partner the job is done and he can sit back and you should appreciate him just being there

If he's not pulling his weight, not bringing anything to the table and not meeting your needs then he's redundant and there's no point to him. Don't waste the best years of your life on someone who doesn't deserve you or appreciate what he has

Emilysmum90 · 18/06/2025 22:07

He sounds quite depressed. Was he this withdrawn before you got married? Has he ever shown his emotions or talked openly about his feelings to you? Anything else that might be playing on his mind constantly, ie debt, addiction, threat of job loss, having an affair?

I couldn't deal with this from my DH. I'd ask a relative or someone to babysit DC for an afternoon then have it out with him. If he won't open up and tell you what's wrong, and what he's prepared to do to make it better (with your support) then I'd tell him it's over and you'll immediately be making plans to separate. And he doesn't get to turn it all around and blame you. That's shitty behaviour.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/06/2025 22:11

He's got you now and he plans on sucking you dry, if you keep complaining he will likely try to get you pregnant again, don't.
Get away now whilst you can see what he's really like.

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