Merging finances, post baby

[RosieRibbons]

I have been trying to initiate a conversation with my partner about merging finances but they keep avoiding it. I’m 7 months postpartum and going back to work part time in 3 weeks. I am the primary carer for our baby. I’m struggling to understand why they are avoiding talking about finances and feel we should have spoken before the baby arrived, how do I get through to them and why are they making this so difficult? Any advice welcome, I’m at a loss as to how to move forward 😞

You sit down with details of your salaries, all bills and household expenses, other joint costs - ie anything to do with the baby, estimate of what you will spend as a household on foods, contingency for repairs, new appliances. Holiday and general savings.

Look at how much you will each need to contribute from your salary on an apportionment basis and ensure you both have an equal amount of personal money.

It's a bit late now, you should have put this in place before having a baby?!

You'll have to pull up your big girl pants and sit down together and go through it

if you are planning on everything joint then fair dos, if you are splitting stuff, remember that if you do more childcare you will have to entertain your child and it’s not always free. Even a coffee with friends is £5 a week. Pop a baby group on and that’s £10.

i know too many people who scrimp for their day to day activities with their children and when dad does a 1 day outing can splash all the cash.

Once we had children, we completely merged finances, everything went into and out of one account. Otherwise as a part time worker, you’ll be scrabbling around on next to nothing while he’s swimming in spare cash!
Do you think he’s avoiding the discussion as he’s hoping you’ll put up with that unfair distribution?
If he wants to keep things separate, I would gather all info on income and bills and work out a percentage whereby you both end up with a fair amount of money ie 80/20 or 70/30. If he won’t agree, you’ll either be skint or you’ll need to go back to work and he can suck up paying 50% of childcare costs….

He's likely avoiding talking about it because he doesn't want to merge finances.

If getting him to sit down and talk about it isn't working email him your cost estimates and budget and then print it off and have it waiting to discuss with him.

If you're not married and hes avoiding the topic, then it looks like he may well not want to share finances. I would keep that in mind when you're planning to only work part time.

This but also, the brutal truth, is he doesn’t have to merge finances if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t have to engage, agree or pay anything, at that point you have to decide whether to stay for £0 or leave and claim CMS.

Might be worth finding out what you would receive if you split from your partner, for comparison, before he or she makes you any offers.

My exh turned out to have different expectations to me once the children were there, despite lots of vague, generous statements previously about how he would take care of us. He'd just assumed it would work somehow, and didn't like it when money for nappies and clothes actually started coming out of his account. He started to see me as a freeloader, throwing his money out of the window (this was far from true), so was grim-faced every time I bought the kids new shoes etc., and squirreled money away into his own secret account. It continued that way even after I was back at work full-time. We split more than 10 years ago and I still feel guilty spending money on myself.

How have you managed so far financially?

He is doing it because he can, and because it benefits him. (guessing here, but it sounds like a typical male behaviour)
You chose to have a child with a man who is not fully committed to you - as his behaviour clearly shows. Now - you are going to work part-time, only making yourself more financially vulnerable, as you'll be dependant on him. And, you will be sacrificing your career progression, with nothing to show for it.
If you also live in his house, with you not being on the deeds - the picture will be complete.

In a few years time you'll be back on MN saying - relationship broke down, he wants me to move out, I only work part time and can't support myself - what do I do....

Personally - I'd start planning for financial independence. Do not go part time, do not provide household/wife services to him. Save money and start thinking about how to support yourself on your own. Claim CMS from him. Etc

Do they want to merge finances and are avoiding the conversation for some reason, or do they not wish to merge? Some couples never do.

If it leaves you short you should consider returning to work full time and splitting the childcare cost with your partner. Don’t let yourself fall into a situation where you don’t have income to support yourself if they aren’t willing to do it, or if they use it to control you.