Adult grandson has moved in

[Kaylasmum59]

I have a grandson aged 19, he has autism and adhd. About 6 weeks he had to leave his family home because of his aggressive and disrespectful behaviour towards his mum (my daughter) His attitude over the last few years has been extremely difficult to deal with and eventually it all came to a head. My daughter and her partner have had to call the police on a number of occasions and the last time it was thought that my grandson would either have to go to a homeless shelter or be assessed by his psychiatrist and possibly sectioned. They didn’t feel that he warranted being sectioned and I didn’t want to see him in a shelter so I agreed to have him stay with myself and my 18 year old son who is also autistic.

my daughters parent refuses to him back in the house at all, they have a daughter aged 8 and her brothers behaviour has caused her a great deal of trauma. My grandson hasn’t had any big outbursts here but he is very hard work and doesn’t always respect my rules. I have had episodes of anxiety and depression over the years which has been mostly under control after 2 years of therapy. I told my daughter that it could’nt be a permanent situation as my son has a very crucial year ahead of him as he will be transitioning from the autism support group that he’s been involved with for the last 5 years. He will be starting college in September after having no in school education since 2019 due to anxiety. Our routine has been changed and we’re both struggling.

i can’t even get any respite because my daughter won’t have back home at all. I’m 59 and have raised 5 children and I finally thought I was going to be able to have time to myself but I can’t see where this will end up. I have been experiencing anxiety attacks in the morning and randomly throughout the day, I’m scared my mental health will get really bad again.

Does anyone have any words of advice?

I know you had the best of intentions OP but you can't have him stay with you. You need to be your best for your son.

You are going to have to say you cannot manage him.

I would see your Dr about the panic attacks and ask about beta blockers. Get some magnesium and B vitamins.

Can you phone the Autistic Society helpline for advice? Can he live independently or does he need assistance? Scope may also have advice on housing options. Family Lives may also have useful information.

You absolutely can decline him staying with you.

So sorry to hear this OP. the best long term solution might be to try to get him into supported accommodation - try social services, CAB or one of the autism charities (though they never reply when I try to contact them). Good luck.

Well the simple answer is, as he's 19, you make him homeless and he presents to the council for help. Does he function in everyday life? Is there a social worker involved at all that could help?

You can't force your daughter to have him back, and I can understand why she refuses with the younger sibling there.

I have no intention of trying to force my daughter to have him back.

There is social work involvement and supported living is what they are looking at but there’s nothing available just now. I don’t want to see him in a homeless place but I know that my mental health is at risk.

I'm with the others. He can't stay. You've got yourself and your own son to worry about.

You’re experiencing anxiety attacks because you know you’ve took on too much, you took in your grandson out of love but it’s not possible to have two adults with autism/adhd and cater to both their needs.

If he presents as homeless , social will find something far quicker than if they think he can with you. You must do right by your own child.

There will be nothing available soon until you push SS or put him out.
Others that become homeless will jump in front of him in the list.

You have tried. His mum is at the end of her wits. You are experiencing it yourself full on now. He doesn't respect your rules, time for him to move on.

Give the SW a date in 4/6 weeks time saying you want him gone. Then put him out. He's family it won't be easy.
You don't have to give notice to put him out so its up to you if you do or not. If you do give notice remind the SW after 2 weeks, then inform them when he is on his way to present as homeless.

It's not for you to fix you and your son need your routine.

I wish you all of you all.the best. Grandson will be fine.

You took him in for all the right reasons. However he needs to go back home and with them find some options. Whatever the circumstances it is not okay for them to unload all these issues on you. Just one thing to be careful about MN - the advice is often 'supported living' - but it's just not that easy - we have been wanting supported living for our son and 3 years later it is nearly achieved. True we could make him homeless but God knows where he would end up. Your grandson might have autism but SS do not have a magic wand, capacity, determination or access to housing.

I am kinda in the same boat. Except his girlfriend who has verbally abused me dictates how he should treat me. He is 32, my grandson will not leave, further has his girlfriend living in his bedroom. She constantly hides from me because she said she doesn't want to look at me or she will get upset. I have cried myself to sleep often enough. I'm nearly 70 and fed up of his making me feel guilty. I clean, wash and do their dishes. They stay up late waking me up with banging doors , cooking and screaming. So I mention this because it's not an isolated situation for the hundreds, maybe thousands of older women and men who go through similar episodes.The old saying goes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I believe everything happens for a reason and time will sort out these problems. I've learn to push myself to have more gratitude, and by golly it has worked. Time goes quickly find your peace in moments you can grab. Organisations can try to help get this sorted but you still have damaged emotions even after when they finally leave. Mine is still here! Lol. Go with the flow and find a spot to breathe without anyone around. just know, we all care about you and don't want you to suffer. God bless you!