Tell me about your successful hetero relationships- please!

[icameonholidaybyaccident]

TLDNR:
Thinking about giving up on finding a good male partner in my early 50s because I’m not sure they exist. But I’d like one and am trying to decide whether it’s still worth being open or just to give up and enjoy my single life (which I’m doing anyway). If you have a great relationship with your man and he has demonstrated (towards you) maturity, kindness, loyalty, collaboration and emotional availability when you need it, please share your experience and describe what that looks like.
PLEASE DON’T share negative comments - I’ve lived the crap experience and am well aware.

The wider picture:
I recently ended it with a man I thought would be my partner for life because despite him wanting it to work he just wasn’t able to be emotionally available to me and was too self-centered, defensive and masking a lot of resentment and insecurities.

I am in my early 50s and have had 3 major relationships with men. The first I adored like a child and him not emotionally available to me so we grew out of each other. The 2nd and longest is probably narcissistic/AUD but I had to stay a long time for various reasons before divorcing him several years ago. I thought the last one would be my forever partner as we were very compatible in many ways but he didn’t have the capacity for our relationship to be balanced.

I’ve worked on myself for about 8 yrs or so and am still doing that. I am comfortable on my own but I know enough about myself to know I am someone who would love to have a good partner. Right now I am not sure that what we’re all told we should have in a good male partner is actually realistic at all - I can’t say I’ve ever met a man in any way who I would call emotionally available (and not selfish, childish and defensive when it comes down to it). I have never met a friend’s male partner and thought ‘oh he seems lovely’. My own father was a totally selfish sod.

If the partner I would like is a myth, I’d like to just accept I’m never going to have that and stop thinking about it. But if there honestly are some successful relationships out there with decent, kind, collaborative, mature men, please tell me and describe how he demonstrates that. Thank you.

He’s not a myth, but unfortunately I’m increasingly realising from speaking to friends that they are few & far between. Nobody is perfect but I honestly believe DH sees us as genuine partners and that is reflected in his words and his actions. He out earns me considerably but he was the one to suggest combining finances & have same ‘spending money’ after bills etc. He does his fair share around the house & garden. I do most of the mental load for DCs but that was my choosing & made sense on mat leave & working part time. Not for a second has he ever made me doubt his commitment to our relationship & now we have them, our DCs. Neither of us are perfect, we of course get it wrong sometimes but we talk it through and come to a resolution. No walking out, no threatening to leave, no drama. Just time to cool off if we need it then a proper conversation. He’s my best friend, I enjoy his company more than I ever have anyone’s and we laugh together every day. Yes, he does get defensive, but he knows this is an issue & is working on it. That’s the biggest thing for me - we are both open to learning & changing bad habits. I’m not sure how helpful any of that is but just wanted to say they are out there. I hope you find what you’re looking for OP.

My sisters husband has genuinely turned the dial down on his career for a bit and picked up more home stuff, so that my sis can ramp her up career following 10yrs of being stay-at-home mum.

I thinks that's pretty outstanding.

We complement each other - value each others strengths and forgive each other's weaknesses.

I’m particularly interested to hear how your partner showed up for you in a time of genuine crisis. I haven’t heard of a male partner being able to do this when it first suit them to do so. Thanks

I’ve been with my husband for 27 years. He isn’t perfect by any means and we’ve had our ups and downs, but we have never ever doubted our love and commitment to one another. I trust him implicitly and we make each other laugh every day. He’s been there for me like a rock during a very difficult period of my life over the last few years, with health problems, professional burnout, mental health struggles and so on. If anything, our relationship has become even stronger and our closeness has grown over the years, aided by couples therapy that we did for awhile to help us communicate more effectively. He’s a fantastic father and partner, has boundless energy, is very affectionate and perceptive, and just fun to be around, an eternal optimist. He’s a good egg and I know how lucky I am to have him in my life.

The closest to this for us is how he has been during the pp period with both DCs and he was absolutely brilliant. Did as much as he could, up at every night feed with me doing changed/fetching snacks etc, helped with settling them. Even with a high pressure job he knew that me getting sleep was key too & did his best to support that. We’re an equal partnership & he showed up to match that.

I had pretty severe birth trauma which manifested as depression and anxiety - DH stepped in and did everything for me and DC, taking on all the mental and as much of the physical load as possible, giving me time and space to heal. I firmly believe he kept me from going ‘over the edge’

Last year I had a consultation meeting at work, scheduled 1130-12, which I was fairly certain would be bad news. They only took 20 minutes to tell me my job was being deleted and when I texted DH to see if he had time to talk he was already on his way to my office so he would be there for when it was scheduled to finish. I ended up in a new job which has fewer hours, and he's made it quite clear that it doesn't matter that I now earn significantly less money.

My dad has dementia and my parents live at the opposite end of the country to us, DH has: met me at the airport when I'd been up briefly visiting my parents; spent an afternoon looking after my dad while I took my mum out; come up at short notice with me when Dad was in hospital. Today he's away with work, something sad has happened and he stepped out of his meeting to call me to try to make me feel better.

Basically, I've had a shitty year and he's bloody wonderful. I am incredibly lucky to have him.

My husband is lovely. Not sure what to say about him, tbh. He’s warm, intelligent, kind and supportive. He’s an equal partner in terms of domestic labour, an excellent provider (this is frowned upon on MN, but important to me), a fantastic father, and just generally excellent.

He’s the love of my life and we laugh every day. I know I’m supposed to go ‘he’s not perfect’, but I'm not entirely sure what I’d change!

When my dad was in hospital dying, my sister, mother and I were pretty useless (for various reasons – I tried not to be, but was overwhelmed and devastated, my sister's husband had just left her and her two kids, and my mum simply had a breakdown). My dad's was a very complex case – my DH attended all the meetings with the consultants with my mother, chased test results, advocated for his comfort and care with the nurses, made regular contact with the palliative care team. He went completely above and beyond – letting his own work commitments slip and taking time off.

Now my mum is on her own, he does all DIY for her and drives her wherever she needs to go. I don't even have to ask – he offers.

He took 6 months parental leave to care for our twins. He did every night feed with at least one twin. He does all school drop offs. Manages all their doctors and dental appointments. He's an outstanding human being – much better than I am!

What I will say that will sound slightly depressing is that women are not letting outstanding men go easily. And what is left from mid 30s onwards is a pretty dry pool. I didn't used to think that was the case, and would dismiss the idea that there wasn't 'plenty of fish in the sea' at any age – but now having gotten older and seen the dating pool into 40s and 50s second hand, I can see it is the case. Not hopeless, but rare.

I had some health scares a year or two ago. My partner asked for time off work so he could join me at all the appointments and he also nursed me, sometimes intensively (like when I had to get up literally every hour for a few days to take a medication).

He is not my child's father, but he shows up for both my child, and for me in childcare responsibilities, 100%. When my child's biological father assaulted my child, he went ahead and supervised visits during the period of the investigation. (Side note: authorities do not give the slightest shit about child abuse, as long as the abusive dad blames the mum.).

He will also handle all dropoffs with my abusive ex because he knows that the ex is likely to do or say something mean to me, and he wants to be a buffer.

Separately, he does everything he can to contribute equally to chores and tasks at home. He's always happy to help. It would never even cross his mind not to offer to do everything possible to make my life better.

I've been with DH for 20 years. We're in our early 40s.

We've had a couple of serious bad patches, but overall we're best friends and we laugh together a lot - theres noone I'd rather sit in a pub with and talk nonsense.

He has always supported my career (including supporting me to take an overseas secondment). He tells people how "clever" I am (his words) when he's talking about me.

I can tell him anything. I have anxiety and I can literally be as weird as I like around him and it's like water off a ducks back - he's so patient.

He pulls his weight at home. I have to delegate more than I'd like, but if I ask him to do something, he does it without complaint.

I'm his favourite person in the world and I know that without question, and he sees us as a team. He would never cheat on me (unless something goes drastically wrong of course), and I trust him 100%.

He's not classically romantic, but he thinks of nice things we can do together at the weekend- even if it's just suggesting going for a pint. And he buys very thoughtful Christmas and birthday presents (I'm not materialistic, but I like that he puts the thought in).

He works hard in his latest career - he didn't always - but he's now beasting himself to make as much as he can for us.

I find him very hot and sexy too, and he's good in bed and up for doing anything I want.

BUT men like him either aren't single at all or arent single for long, are they? If you date, OP, is this the type of man that is out there?

I haven’t been tested on this, but he did say early on about being with someone “And if she was sick I could bring her chicken soup”. Which was such a shock to me because my ex would say “And if she was sick, she should be in her own place so that I don’t get infected “

How do you define "emotionally available" ?

Dh and I have been together way over 30 years, and we aren't big on having deep, meaningful conversations about how we love one another, but it is clear from actions, and, as pps have said, that is shown more during the difficult times. But we don't analyse it or particularly talk about feelings. We notice when one is struggling and step up and do more. We respect each other and see each other as equal partners. Of course he isn't perfect, as none of us are, but we both appreciate what we have.

Of course, in you 50s, statistically, 'the good ones' will have stayed together with their wives / partners I'd have thought and the 'not so good ones' are the ones that are likely to have been thrown back.
Yes, I know people can be single after being badly treated themselves, or being widowed and so forth. I'm just talking about it being less likely that there are loads of good men in the 50s who haven't been snapped up and kept by their first loves, than there are men that other people didn't want to spend the rest of their loves with.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 40 years - married for all but three of them.

He’s not perfect.
Pros:
Has always worked, earned ok, happy for me to work/ stay at home as I wish
Fully supportive of anything I want to do
Tall and as handsome as you can be at 60
I respect his moral compass
I know he totally loves me - feel very secure
On an important, practical, logistical situation he can be insightful and give good guidance

Cons:
Not emotional. No use to me at all for day-to-day flaps so I don’t even bother telling him which means I’m not as close to him as I could be. So I’m very close with my girlfriends and daughters and that’s my outlet and support instead
Sport-obsessed - watching it, talking about it (I couldn’t care less)
Loud. Loud music, loud voice, loud coughing/ sneezing. He bursts through doors, he slams out again. Not nastily - he’s just so NOISY and it goes right through me.

If I was single in my fifties I would not be looking for a man. By this age I think they’re probably all a bit set in their (own, uniquely odd) ways. I’d let that ship sail and focus on wonderful friendships with amazing women and enriching my life with interesting projects - volunteering or whatever.

Mine is wonderful. Easy to forgive my faults, generous, good relationship with his parents but more so with me, cooks and shared the mental load, generous in bed as well as easy to please, a loving and interested dad, a self-motivated person, good hygiene and self-discipline, interested in the world, not too concerned with money but responsible all right, and he smells nice too.

I haven't had any real medical crisis but I remember the first time I was sick when we were dating him carefully splitting mandarin parts for me. And he never hesitates to get up in the middle of the night if I need a painkiller. And he is very very caring with the children too when they are sick, full of ooh sweetie and general tenderness.

I’ve got one too, we met when we were fairly young and he has been with me through every challenge of raising a young family, family and health worries, money worries, a drastic career change at one point. He is the most unselfish person I have ever met.

I had an awful abusive relationship and swore when i divorced i would never marry again yet here i am nearly 16 years later married to a fantastic man. He would sell his soul if i asked for huge diamond ring and a first class world cruise for my birthday.
Even when recovering form cancer he looked after me when i had a heart attack and was really poorly for months. He drove a 100 mile round trip every day i was in hospital and stayed for 10 hours every day. He sat with me, he read to me, nothing was too much trouble even though he was so tired and he was in pain. When i got home He cooked, he cleaned, he showered me, washed my hair and even blow dried it.
He will sit through theatre shows he doesn't have any interest in or go and see a band that he isn't keen on if i ask him to go with me. He drags himself abroad once every 2 years because i love heat and lying on the beach, it is idea of hell but he does it for me.
We support each other with love humour and patience, we share the load and we share the happiness. We share the lows and the grief. We just hold each other up.