Last year my husband developed a crush on someone he met through work. I don't believe it progressed beyond some over familiar messages and a couple of flirty evenings drinking together with other colleagues. I found out because he mentioned her too often afterwards and he told me he was cross because someone accused him of liking her on a night out. I discovered their flirty exchanges by retrieving some deleted messages on his phone... yes I shouldn't have looked!
Prior to this I admit I probably had been a bit distant with him and we were arguing more... he was travelling a lot for work and very stressed about an ill parent, whilst I was juggling the kids, also a stressful full time job and basically all of our home life admin. I had also gradually been gaining weight since my children were born and had crept up to over 12.5 stone, so wasn't feeling attractive and my libido was non existent. He had complained about the lack of sex but I just couldn't seem to face it more than once a month and even then i always needed to be pretty drunk to do it . So I guess it was only a matter of time before he started noticing pretty, slim, smart, younger women who flirted and flattered his ego.
I decided to work through it with him for the sake of the children and because he stopped all contact with her, but I have found it very hard to forgive and forget. He would get so angry with me if I mentioned it, and swore blindly he had done nothing wrong and I should not be checking his phone and accusing him of being inappropriate with this woman when he had never given me any reason not to trust him. The most he would admit to was that she probably fancied him and he had been a bit foolish because he had been flattered by the attention she gave him... and I understand that it's natural for us to cross paths with people we find attractive over a long marriage.
Anyway since the autumn I have lost over 3.5 stone. What i hadn't realised when I gained weight over the last few years, was just how invisible I had become. I thought I looked better than I did, that having a nice face and always dressing well despite the extra weight, meant I still looked ok. I foolishly thought that I still had some charm! I also didnt care that men no longer flirted with me, as I was focused on my family and trying to be a good mother.
But now I feel I am treated very differently by both men and women, and it has given me a real lift and i do feel more confident about myself. My husband however barely seems to have noticed or appreciated the effort it took to slim down. Which leads me to something that happened a couple of weeks ago... I was introduced to someone at work and honestly for the first time in many many years I felt immediate chemistry with another man. I said something that made him laugh when we were introduced and i can't remember the last time someone looked at me that way. I admit it felt thrilling! I then bumped into him at another event a few weeks later, and the way he looks at me and the chemistry between us makes me feel like a teenager again. It's utterly ridiculous and I'm ashamed of myself for craving the attention.
I have no intention of acting on this crush and will keep my distance. But I think craving male attention and developing a crush is a reflection of the poor state of my marriage more than anything else... and whilst I was probably responsible for my husband's initial crush on another woman, his lack of attention has made me experience something similar. Can we get things back on track as a couple? Is it possible to get the sexual chemistry back in a 20 year relationship like ours? I will not break up our family but it's clear we need to do something about our relationship. I would really appreciate some advice from anyone who had been in a similar situation. Thank you!