Relationship nearly breaking down

[sleepy222]

Hi, sorry for long post.
I have a 3m old now and my partner and I's relationship is on its last legs. It was so great before & during pregnancy but now it is awful. I feel he cannot be relied upon to do anything, he doesn't seem interested in how i am doing and i am still financially keeping us going even though am now on maternity pay and he is on a (good) full time wage.

We now have terrible, terrible rows which I hate having anywhere near baby and I think we have said a lot of things that we can't take back. I love my weeks with baby & friends and hate the weekends when we have to spend time together as it just reminds me how much our relationship has bombed.

I feel I have nowhere to turn to - family is abroad and friends all busy with own probs - and feel so guilty for my baby if we split up. I just want a normal happy relationship. Everything else is great in my life, I feel in control and capable & know don't have PND.

Has anyone else been here? Any help on what to do next?

my relationship was terrible after birth of baby too

we got so wrapped up in our own feelings forgot about each others

i was very much me me me im the one who had baby and forgot he was finding it hard

he didnt know how to relate to a baby and i took to it naturally

do you sit and talk or do you expect him to know how your feeling

could you get baby settled put nice dress on cook nice meal and tell him you feelm its been ages since you had quality time and just have an evenimng of cuddles and small talk but no big issues until you feel your closeness is coming back

my ds is now 3 and we have much more of an understanding of each other can still fight alot but we now make time for each other

the first fe months is tough in the strongest of relationships

we tend to be more for the baby than the men when time does need to be devided when possible

we seem to think they should know what to do but it comes easier for women than some men so asking them nicely goes down well

as most men feel like spare parts

and when they have dc no pulling them up on thats not how you do it babies come to no harm for both parents to do things differently

if things were good before and during your maybe not spending the quality time together could be just holding hands on sofa a cuddle when passing them good luck

I have a five month old and we have also been fighting like cat and dog.

It's making me incredibly low - I feel unsupported by my DP and as though he just comes home looking for things I haven't managed to do. He doesn't recognise the hours and hours I have put into looking after our baby and and doesn't appreciated that the fact that managing to keep the house tidy and clean is actually quite an achievement!

Financially, DP pays the mortgage - I pay everything else. And he resents paying the mortgage on his own. He just doesn't seem to be on the same planet as I am at the moment, it's awful.

I have a five month old and we have also been fighting like cat and dog.

It's making me incredibly low - I feel unsupported by my DP and as though he just comes home looking for things I haven't managed to do. He doesn't recognise the hours and hours I have put into looking after our baby and and doesn't appreciated that the fact that managing to keep the house tidy and clean is actually quite an achievement!

Financially, DP pays the mortgage - I pay everything else. And he resents paying the mortgage on his own. He just doesn't seem to be on the same planet as I am at the moment, it's awful.

oops

it is good to keep communicating instead of fighting with each other

we did a five min uninterupted talk so frustrating you have to restrain yourself to not clump them

but it helps you listen for 5 mins withiout interupting as frustrating as it is when you want to back your corner

then you speak it really clears the air

its amazing how having a baby can change two people we grow up instantly men go back to being babies or maybe they dont change but we mature more and they bug us lol

it really is good to have cuddly nights and make time for one another

dynamics change my dp is now bread winner i feel useless there he feels pressure there

i am with ds all the time and feel like i need a break but they couldnt possibly just know how we feel

once we created time for each other and we wrere feeling close again much easier to tell each other how you feel

but again dont expect them to know what you want them to do if you dont ask respect each other appreciate that both are working hard and pull together

we still have to work hard on this but we do make time and we do appreciate each other so much more

resentment is a horrible thing

Message withdrawn

NOTHING can prepare you for the changes a new baby will make to your life. Neither of you could possibly have known, and both of you are experiencing this massive shock together.

It would be bad enough if it was just one of you, and the other was not being supportive, but it is both of you who are experiencing this life-changing experience and it looks like you might both be focusing on how it has affected you, but not allowing the other partner to have feelings about it perhaps?

Try to remember the good old days and your happy memories. These days are blippy. They are bound to be. But fight through them if you can. Baby needs mum and dad. This is a hellish time, but you can work to make it better by being thoughtful and kind to each other... and talk, as bubblagirl said.

i spoke to my dp and asked what changed us when ds was born and it was time together

it all became dont do this you'll wake baby

no intamacy as too tired not in the mood and might wake baby

he felt pushed aside as i was just with ds all the time had no time for him bickered he felt like a spare part i was nagging all the time

he didnt know what to do as it was always wrong

we become different when having a child so not only do you throw a new baby into the equasion but they get a new partner as well

and i did change we no longer had time to cuddle let alone anything else we didnt talk and i was no longer the fun loving care free person no longer spontanious in my actions where as in preganacy you still are

they feel pressure to do things right and were there saying its not enough

ytalk talk talk thats all i can say be there for him and in return he will be there for you

they feel pushed out so our job to bring them back in now when i think back i think god i was terrible but didnt think so at time of course but we are over that and can see it now

try and keep the old you in there yes your a mum but when baby asleep you ca be you again with dp thats the main thing to keep some of the old fun alive were nutters now but i was too serious then to even think of acting silly

Thanks Bubbagirl. Good advice. I'm in same situation only DD is 14 mths so have let situation fester too long. Not sure how to resolve but cuddle night might be a good start.