Continuous cycle of toxic communication

[SuzieCinnamon]

This cycle of conflict in my relationship has went on for so long now that I’ve shut down.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. He wants a baby. I’m pushing 40, have a busy working life employed and self employed, navigating co-parenting, all the business that comes with kids, aging parents, have all of the mental load, pay for most things around the house and despite earning less. He gets offended when I bring up my concerns about how I would manage a baby when he is happy to come home after work and spend hours gaming. Claims he does his share and is involved.

I feel he is passive in our life and has been unhappy for years because he wants to be a dad and this has taken over his whole thoughts. I told him he needs to be happy and it’s his responsibility to work on this and a baby will not magically cure his unhappiness. Again he’s outrageously offended at this.

Im paying more each month towards our bills these past few months. He again got majorly offended when I suggested he needs to look at his finances and said it’s something we need to talk about together to sort out.

I feel he just wants me to agree with him on everything, if I disagree he tells me I’m wrong or I need to stop thinking like that etc. He feels I don’t listen to him. I’ve therefore found it easier this past few weeks to keep my distance from him and just get on with my life. It’s actually much easier to sort everything myself and there’s much less resentment. I really enjoy my life despite it being busy.

Our most recent conversation ended with me asking for space, him refusing and following me around, me telling him I don’t want a baby with him anymore and him telling me I’m trying to start arguments. Back to not talking again. Im drained with this. Please be gentle as I’m trying to navigate this carefully without affecting my children but I’m just looking some support from anyone who has been through or is going through similar. Thanks

I’m sorry this sounds rough for you.
But you know what would happen if you did have a baby with this man… If he’s not pulling his weight now, it would only be worse with a baby.
You would be resentful, miserable and trapped.

You don’t have to be any of those things! You already your babies. Enjoy them and enjoy finding your independence again! Don’t tie yourself down to a man child.

Here I am wondering, with all that you are saying OP, why are you two together?

He clearly has very little respect for you and this shows up in how he feels he can override your needs, money, alone time, etc.

What is it about your situation that is making you feel you need to put up and shut off?

My children, how it would affect them. My family love him

Great reason to stay. What would you like to happen? Is he likely to suddenly change? Is he self aware?

You children are likely going to resent you staying learning later on that you stayed due to them, that is a huge burden to carry.

And having a baby with someone like this, as I am sure he is awfully nice most of the time, you will be left with the load of everything, that is never going to change, and have you thought about the fact he might want a baby to trap you? And ones the baby is there, he will not like it as the focus is not on him anymore?

If he is now claiming he is doing his share, he is unlikely to be generous with further load and the complications they bring.

have you previously told him you may have children with him? If you have, then I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable that he is asking about it. He clearly wants to be a dad, and you’re done with having kids so it’s time to end the relationship and he can find someone who does want kids. He does sound like he’s got a lot of growing up to do, though guess as he isn’t a parent, he can game in his spare time if he likes. Having another baby at 40 and back to the start is definitely not something i’d want to do, so I don’t blame you one bit.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He does not do his share and he is not involved. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

Do not have a child by him under any circumstances. He’d be a terrible father too.

It will affect your kids far more and markedly so if you stay with him for what are really your own reasons. And your family do not live with him, you do and you know the truth re him. He targeted you along with your terribly poor boundaries.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Be tired of being the last person who matters. Rebuild your life and those of your children without him in it. Better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied.

Of course he wants you to agree with him on everything, he wants everything his own way. He's coasting and has no shame about dumping everything on you and gaming. I've no idea what his baby fetish is about, just something else he wants you to provide. He won't be an involved dad so you'll be on your own with a baby ontop of everything else.

Does this man bring anything positive into your life?

Are you married to him? Who owns the house / lead name on the tenancy? Could you afford to manage on your own?

Hello OP, your description of your partner reminded me of my exh. I spent twenty five years with him and had three kids. Eventually, I just could not take it any more and I left him. I am so much happier, calmer and content now that I am alone with my kids. However, that amazing, happy and cheerful woman I was when I met him, she is lost to me forever, and I can never get her back.

Please leave asap. People like him are like leeches, they will suck you dry. They feed off other people's love, laughter, happiness, sure, money too. If you stay with him, you will loose it all, your life energy, your hopes and dreams, your money, it will all be gone.